Pillars of the Eternal
by kasviel
Summary: My third "Amnesia" fan fiction. Please read "Broken: After the Fall" and "After the Fall: Sol Invictus Mithras" first! Daniel and Henry find themselves sharing an adventure searching for Irem, but can their relationship survive the journey? Or will the destination prove their undoing?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's** **Notes**

This is a direct sequel to my previous two "Amnesia: The Dark Descent" fan fictions, 1. Broken: After the Fall, and 2. After the Fall: Sol Invictus Mithras. Please read those two stories first! The story of Daniel and Henry Bedloe, his former bully, continues. This story opens up the Lovecraftian mythology of the "Amnesia" series and takes the story in a new direction: the direction I always imagined Daniel's life going in (if he does survive Brennenburg). It is also the most nihilistic of the stories and cements exactly how selfish those seeking power or love (or anything) can be. That said, this story also deals with some brutal themes (a sexual situation without explicit consent, violent death) so be warned. I want to mention that I also quoted "Casilda's Song" concerning Carcosa from "The King in Yellow" by Robert W. Chambers, it's definitely not my poem! This story also leans more into the fan theory that Daniel is Oswald Mandus's great-uncle; I establish once and for all here that Hazel IS the one through which that connection is forged. I never liked the "third sibling" theory, I always saw Daniel and Hazel as the only children of that troubled little family. I intend to trace that connection all the way to "A Machine for Pigs", if I ever get to finishing this series of fan stories someday. I really enjoy writing for this series and particularly Daniel. This story moves the plot along further into the arcane. I hope you enjoy it! Thank you for reading!

* * *

**1**

May 8, 1840

Hazel awoke before the sunrise. Her weary lungs and weak heart gave their usual pangs as she slowly sat up. She squinted her eyes against the light. The sunshine dappled her stark white skin and illuminated the delicate blue veins traced beneath it. She sat breathing laboriously, eyes half-closed beneath long lashes, a smile on her pale thin lips. At last she was able to catch her breath and she beamed into the daylight. Life was so very difficult to grasp, but that made it all the more precious.

Hazel's lady's maid soon came to her bedside. Hazel was unused to having another person wait upon her but her betrothed had insisted upon it. Hazel thanked the woman as she helped her out of bed, although she knew it was improper to thank the help simply for doing their duty. Her maid was a stately older woman and while she could not acknowledge the gratitude directly, she did smile gently at the girl. She helped Hazel go about her morning routine and then into a hot bath.

The warm water soothed Hazel's lungs and calmed her heart. She sighed deeply in pleasure and shut her eyes. She used to wish she could float away from her body while bathing but now she cherished her physicality. She clasped her hands together, remembering the feel of her love's strong hands caressing them. She ran her palms over her thin body, thinking of his promises to cherish it, to cherish her. A flutter of nerves flew through her belly but it was not an unwelcome sensation. She trusted Xavier Mandus. She loved him and trusted that he loved her. Her desire for him soothed away her virgin's fears and she let eagerness overtake her.

After the bath, Hazel's maid attended to her grooming and dressing. Hazel gasped at the sight of the wedding dress and veil. Her child-sized hands traced the patterns in the handmade lace and caressed the white silk. Her maid dressed her reverently and Hazel blushed from the attention, though grateful for the care the woman took with the gown. The morning hours slipped by as Hazel was readied for the ceremony.

Hazel had chosen not to eat before the wedding because she was of delicate constitution and would not risk falling ill during the ceremony. She was a touch lightheaded but last night's large meal kept her fortified still. She could think only of the wedding she had never dreamed she would have and of her beloved.

Hazel had not been expected to live past thirteen yet now she was nearing her seventeenth birthday. Xavier Mandus was fourteen years her senior at thirty but he was a gentle man. Although he was the owner of the famed Mandus Meat Processing Company, Xavier confessed to Hazel that he had never enjoyed overseeing the business. He was sensitive about death, even that of livestock, and all suffering made him sorrowful. Xavier favored the arts, particularly poetry. Once he was comfortable in their friendship, Xavier had read his poetry to Hazel. Although he could never share his true passion with his family or even friends, he opened his heart to Hazel. In turn, Hazel had let all her repressed sorrows pour forth—No, they had been torn out of her by his beautiful words. Xavier shared her pain and understood it as no one other than her brother Daniel ever had. He had comforted her and talked through her pain, and when their friendship had turned to courtship he had held her in his arms. Friendship became affection and affection blossomed into love. Hazel felt their separate hearts had somehow fused, two beating as one. The very thought seemed to strengthen her weak heartbeat, made her heart beat for love.

Hazel stared at herself in the mirror for a long time. There was no vanity in her gaze, only childish wonder. A part of her felt like a little girl dressing up in her mother's few gowns, which she had done only once and had been spanked thoroughly for. Her mother had told her that an ill girl could never grow to be a woman. She had told her not to long for such things as God did not intend her to have.

_But God must have found a purpose for me after all, _Hazel thought. She shut her eyes in silent prayer. _Thank you, Lord, thank you so very much for finding a use for this pathetic body. Thank you for bringing Xavier to me, my dear Xavier. If I am overstepping my place, then strike me dead, but I beg you, not before I bring my dear Xavier some joy. I ask only for his joy, Lord, never for my own. Oh let me please my beloved, Lord, let me please him well._

Xavier Mandus stood before his own looking glass as his valet fussed around him. He was a plain but pleasant-looking man. He hid the weakness of his jaw and sorrowful tilt of his mouth behind bushy brown whiskers. He could never hide his soulful brown eyes, however. His eyes were the sort of brown that had reddish tints, and he had always felt the blood of butchery had seeped into his family's very souls like poison.

Not that he was ungrateful for his heritage. The Mandus Meat Processing Co. had elevated his bloodline from the working class to true wealth. They would always be looked down upon by those of finer breeding but no one could deny the family's status. He knew that in the future the family would come to be accepted into society, whether society liked it or not.

_'Blood is money and money is blood,' _Xavier's father used to say. _'We butcher animals, and what of it? The nobility send their soldiers to butcher nations and plunder their wealth. Is that more glorious? Aye, 'tis, you can make pretty stories and sing songs about that sort of butchery. But ou__r__ butchery is honest. We've no songs to sing or perfumed water to wash our hands lily white in, but we have honesty. __O__ur sovereign lords and ladies __all__ sup upon the meat we butcher__, aye, and the soldiers, too__. 'Tis nothing more honest than eating, boy. We are all of us beasts when we deign to consume other beasts.'_

Xavier shuddered and shook the memories from his head. He barely ate meat. If he could, he would subsist upon greens alone. His childhood had been stained by too many tours of the butcher shops, too many visits to the abattoirs. He had acted indifferent to the gore to please his father, but inwardly he had never lost his initial sense of horror.

Xavier had split himself into two different people. He presented a face of good-natured callousness to the world, as best an impersonation of his deceased father as he could manage. As the only heir to the Mandus fortune, he had no other choice. During his private hours, Xavier sank into a world of literature, music, and theater. He roamed the world of the arts like a starved animal, feeding his soul as voraciously as his father used to feed his appetite. Though he cherished those hours of anonymous indulgence, they were very lonely hours. He never dared share his true persona with anyone in his social circles, lest they ridicule him as his father would have.

Then the illness came. At the time, Xavier had believed it was a just end to his disingenuous, lonely life. Just as he sank into his most miserable period yet, he met his salvation. They had been taking air outside the hospital and informally began to converse in the way only the ill were allowed to. Freed from the expectations of society and the ration of well minds, Xavier and Hazel had lapsed into friendship. In their normal lives such a thing would have stricken them both as wildly improper. Xavier still thanked God for the fever that had let his normal reality slip for just a moment. A moment was all he needed to fall in love with Hazel.

Xavier still remembered the girl as he first saw her: in a chair in the hospital's courtyard, white as porcelain, eyes closed beneath long-lashed lids. He had failed to see her breathing and had shuffled over in alarm. A beautiful corpse, he hated to admit it but that was how he had first perceived her. But a miracle! Upon touching his fingertips to her neck, he had detected the most delicate of pulses. She had stirred and opened luminous eyes upon him. Though her face was young, those eyes were suffered, wise, and benevolent. Surely they were the eyes of a Madonna, but more alive than any of the paintings Xavier loved. He was held to her side in rapture and the fever had loosened his inhibitions. He introduced himself, she had done the same, and then he sat on the grass beside her chair. She had been too weak to do more than laugh at the strangeness. They rambled on about anything, jumping from subject to subject like bees dart from flower to flower.

Xavier drew a deep breath and could almost smell the summer grass again. Soon he would have Hazel by his side forever and always. She was as refreshing as the first breath he would draw outside the abattoirs, more beautiful than any prose could describe. How fortunate he was! He would have been content to die of fever and let the Mandus line end, but he had been pulled from bloody darkness by an angel. _His _angel. For she would soon be his, as he would be hers.

They would belong to one another forever.


	2. Chapter 2

**2**

The sounds of London jangled and shouted and laughed outside the carriage. For once the sooty sky was defeated by blueness and sunshine. Even the sound of the horseshoes clopping down the street sounded jovial. Daniel sat gazing out the window, face resting on a hand that obscured his thin lips. His brown hair was combed back sharply, his fair skin scrubbed rosy, and his eyes were bright. His formal attire was tailored to perfectly suit his slim figure, all rich black and crisp white. He had never looked so handsome, Henry Bedloe thought.

"This is nonsense."

Henry sighed as the image was tainted by the whine of the man's complaint. Daniel turned to face him and his sullen scowl marred his handsomeness. He started wringing his hands anxiously and his murky hazel eyes were dark. It was unnerving the way Daniel's entire visage could change depending on the shadows.

"Nonsense, is it?" Henry chuckled. He took Daniel's hand into his own and ran his finger along the plain gold band on Daniel's right-hand ring finger. "I seem to remember you and I making a few informal vows of our own."

Daniel's eyes fell upon the matching gold band on Henry's left-hand middle finger. He was conflicted between feeling silly and appreciating the gesture. They had agreed to wear the things as symbols of their love but they had to avoid wearing them on their proper ring fingers, lest the public assume them married to women. Daniel frowned more deeply.

"These are only tokens, we did not need to stand in the church of a false god and spew meaningless words," Daniel said. "Why make such an ordeal of it? So the public can be appeased? And so very early in the morning."

Daniel removed a flask from his jacket pocket. Despite Henry's loud clearing of the throat, Daniel drank deeply from it. Now it was Henry's turn to frown, and his bushy brows made his expression the more fearsome. Daniel caught the look and sheepishly returned the flask to his pocket.

"Weddings are supposed to be early," Henry said. "Heavy drinking is normally reserved for later hours, is it not?"

"I would have had a dose of laudanum, if you had not forbidden me to take it," Daniel said. "You're the one who would rather I become a drunkard than take medicine."

"You're not a drunkard, Daniel," Henry said. "I won't allow you to be one. As for laudanum, you are better off without anything concocted from that vile substance opium."

"But my nerves!"

Henry closed the carriage windows' curtains. Then he leaned forward and took Daniel's face into both hands. He kissed his forehead and then his lips. Daniel blew out a frustrated sigh that grazed Henry's mouth but returned the kiss. Henry pulled him across the small space to sit beside him. Daniel leaned his head on the man's shoulder.

"I am working on a medicine that may ease your nerves, dear Daniel," Henry said. "For now a few drinks would be preferable to that laudanum. I will not punish you for a little excess today. I know how you feel about your sister's marriage."

"I hope with all my heart that she will be happy," Daniel said. "Our parents were cruel to us. Our father wished to destroy me and our mother insisted upon caging Hazel as if she were a shameful little broken bird. I was never man enough and Hazel was never woman enough. They wished us to forever remain cowed, frightened children. Perhaps we always will be children in some ways because of them. I do not blame her for trying to claim her womanhood as I have been trying to claim manhood. But I worry so much for her. It would devastate me to lose her."

"You've reflected much upon it."

"I've reflected much upon everything," Daniel said. "Since we started afresh, you and I, I have been thinking about the past. The pain is now far away enough for me to analyze it, as we archaeologists coldly analyze the lives of dead people that once lived and breathed and loved and sorrowed. It all becomes so very clear in retrospect. Don't you agree?"

"Good God, man, you almost sound like an alienist," Henry chuckled. "I'm impressed, Daniel. As for your fear for her, that is nothing you can control. I grew up with only a bitter mother that I could not love, but I know how it feels to love family since I've fallen in love with you. Even if you broke my heart and left me, I would never stop caring for you, fearing for you, _loving _you. It is a heavy burden to bear, love."

"I suppose you're right," Daniel said. "Love … Well, I am glad that Hazel has found love. It is the one thread that has tied everything together, really. Hazel and Mandus, you and I, Alexander and his love … so many sacrifices in the name of love … "

"Alexander?" Henry noted. "Why would you mention him?"

"Hm? Oh, only that that was the way he always excused himself," Daniel said lightly. "I told you before, didn't I? He was exiled from his home world and thus separated from his lover. He always said that all he did was for the purpose of returning to that love. Although I did not comprehend romantic love at the time, I do now. I believe he was telling the truth."

Henry opened his mouth to disparage Alexander von Brennenburg, but he thought better of it. His love for Daniel had driven him nearly mad this past year. It was love that had caused him to batter the poor young man mercilessly in March. He could not say that in similar circumstances he would not go to the lengths Alexander had. Still, he disliked the way Daniel excused the alien monster that had nearly killed him.

"Well here is the church," Daniel said. "The church that will let an ill child like my sister marry but would condemn us for sinners. One more drink, Henry? Please?"

"Oh go on." Henry paused. "And pass that flask to me when you're done, Daniel."

Daniel paid little attention to the service. Even as a child, he had had his doubts about God, though he suppressed them back then. He had not been able to reconcile a God that claimed to love all yet allowed men like his father to torture their own children. He could not forgive a God that would let wonderful souls like Hazel be chained to failing bodies. He was pleased that his occult knowledge allowed him to see the shallow falseness of the Church for what it was. He found that he no longer feared the mundane promise of Hell, having tasted stranger torments than any found in the Bible.

Daniel focused on his sister. He was prepared to put an end to the entire ceremony if he saw a glimpse of sorrow in her eyes. Fortunately, Hazel was more radiant than he had ever seen. Even veiled, she floated down the aisle as lightly as a cloud. Her voice had never been stronger than when she said her vows, and Mandus returned them with no less passion. Daniel stifled his fears and jealousies, let himself be swept away by the purity of their commitment. Without realizing it, he gripped Henry's hand in his own. Henry glanced down in surprise and smiled to himself in pleased amusement.

The reception was normally held in the bride's home, but Hazel had no home to return to. After their father's death, Daniel and Hazel's mother had sealed herself away in the family's apartments. She had not even attended the wedding. Hazel insisted their mother's isolation was due to poor health but Daniel suspected she had not forgiven her inadequate children for her husband's death. Perhaps she was even jealous of Hazel, the girl she had never expected to become a woman. Whatever the reason, Hazel had been brought to live in Xavier's home even before the wedding. It was to the Mandus estate that the wedding party traveled for the reception.

Once he had a chance, Daniel embraced his sister tightly. As the scent of her hair reached his nose, he recalled all the times he had protected her from their parents and the cruel children in the city. Those were the only instances in childhood that Daniel had ever felt like a man, when he would take any punishment upon himself to protect his younger sister. She still felt as small and fragile as she had in girlhood. She could scarcely have grown more than a few inches since. Daniel wished he never had to let her go but he did. Her dreamy loving smile brought tears to his eyes.

"I am so very happy for you, Hazel," Daniel said. "You do love him, don't you? You are happy?"

"Yes, Daniel!" Hazel laughed. "Yes, I am happier than I have ever been in my life! Oh my dear brother, do not frown so. It is all more than I ever dared wish for. I am happy. I am so very happy!"

Daniel kissed her cheek and squeezed her hands in his own. Their eyes met and their smiles sobered a moment. _Survived, _they each seemed to agree. _We have survived._

Henry and Xavier and friends and strangers swarmed them soon enough. Company and food fueled the flames of mirth. Daniel and Henry ended up emptying Daniel's flask together and imbibed with the other guests as well. Time was lost in a blur of joy. Daniel noted that no stuffy old church could perform as fitting a ritual to celebrate love as this.


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

After the guests had gone and dinner had been eaten, the family gathered in the parlor of the Mandus mansion. Henry and Xavier sat in comfortable armchairs smoking cigars and conversing over their evening newspapers. Daniel and Hazel sat on a bench in front of the fire talking animatedly with the easy intimacy of siblings. They spoke of times both new and old. They spoke of love and life. For the first time in their young lives, they indulged in hope.

"But I will miss you terribly when you go on your expedition," Hazel said. "When are you departing?"

"Late June," Daniel said. "But I will be able to attend your birthday celebration before I go, Hazel."

"You always loved those stories of explorers and adventures," Hazel smiled. "It is wonderful that you are creating your own stories now."

"I am frightened," Daniel admitted. "There is darkness in the world beyond what we ever faced at home, Hazel. I apologize, darling, I should not speak of such things today."

"Speak of whatever you must, Daniel," Hazel said. "We are no strangers to darkness, you and I. Please speak to me."

"I told you that I found evil things in Africa, things beyond the scope of mankind," Daniel said. "I shall not sully your mind with more detail than that. But I am afraid of facing such horrors again. I thought that I was ready but as the time for our departure nears, I find myself cowering. You have never judged me for cowardice, dear sister. But I judge myself."

"Oh my dear brother." Hazel leaned her forehead against Daniel's for a long pause. She pulled back and pushed a curled tendril of hair behind her ear. "I am only a woman and I have little experience in the ways of the world. However I know what fear is. I feared mother's sharp words more than I ever feared her hand. I feared father's beatings although you took as many of them for me as you could. I feared most of all for you, Daniel, for all the pain I could never shield _you_ from. Selfishly, I feared and still fear my own body. Though I am only another sinful soul undeserving of any consideration, I do fear this body. I fear every breath I fight to draw will be my last. I fear this unfaithful heart will betray me. I fear death but more than that, I fear how my death will hurt those that love me. I was terribly frightened to allow Xavier to love me, and I tried to warn him off many times. But Xavier was meant to be a part of my life. Who am I to go against fate, even if I fear it? Women are allowed their fears and men are not, and that is an injustice. I do not think myself a coward for my fear, and neither should you, Daniel. How could anyone that loves another not fear?"

Daniel stared at his sister with a drawn look. Hazel frowned quizzically and dropped her gaze to her hands.

"Oh dear, I've rambled on so," she whispered. "I have never eaten and drank so much. Yet I do not feel ill. Perhaps my illness is a needed temperance."

"You are wise, my sister," Daniel said. "Not even seventeen, but you are so much wiser than I ever was. I am not shocked, Hazel, I am in awe."

"Oh Daniel!" Hazel giggled. "Surely not! Do not indulge me!"

The siblings broke down into uncontrollable laughter. Henry and Xavier paused to watch their loves a moment.

"She is a pure and gentle soul," Henry remarked. "You are blessed to have found such a bride, Mandus."

"Thank you, I wholeheartedly agree," Xavier smiled. "And may I say that I believe you seem quite happy with your, er, _friend_ as well, Bedloe."

Henry's eyes narrowed. Xavier merely chuckled and refilled their glasses.

"Hazel says that I have a poet's eye, and she may be right," Xavier said. "I have spent so much time watching life that I have come to be rather shrewd in my analysis of it. I mean no harm, I make no judgments, but I cannot help observing."

"As a psychiatrist, I do understand," Henry allowed. "So what have you observed, Mandus?"

"The matching gold bands that you each wear on fingers other than your ring fingers," Xavier said. "But even before that, it was fairly obvious to anyone that has spent so much time watching love rather than living it. That dreadful day when we first met and Daniel and Hazel's father died, I saw the way you watched him. Your eyes only left him when you were forced to divert your attention. Your hands twitched towards him as if yearning to hold him. I found it quite lovely."

"Lovely?" Henry laughed his booming laugh. "Most would call us 'degenerate' at best."

"Most see nothing but the platitudes jailing them inside their tiny worlds," Xavier said. "My father was a good man. No, he was a great man. But I was forced to imitate him to please him and the world. If anyone knew my true soul, they would damn me for an unmanly degenerate as well. Do not start so, Bedloe, I am sorry. I did not mean to say I believe in those claims or terms, I cannot help echoing society's opinions sometimes. I had no voice for so long that I often could only take the voice of the majority. I find it all disgusting, personally, the shameful and cruel judgments. The law catering to the church even in this age of discovery. Purely, utterly disgusting."

Xavier extinguished his cigar in the ashtray with such fervor that Henry believed him. They refreshed their drinks.

"Do not get me wrong, I believe in God and Christ," Mandus said. "I simply do not believe in the ways mankind has used their sacred names to hold judgment over one another. Mankind too often invokes the name of God and uses such power to enslave their peers. We lead pigs to slaughter without a second thought because God intended it to be so. Yet I have gazed into the eyes of pigs and felt their sorrow. Yes, sorrow! I swear that I have seen sorrow and love and all the emotions they claim are the sole property of man in a pig's eye."

Henry fell back into his own observational habits. Xavier's genial face had hardened with alcohol-fueled passion. He had a righteous streak but it was subversive. Henry decided he liked the man.

"Yet the pigs are led to slaughter and men who do not fit the rules are made into pigs," Xavier said. "So be it. Only know, Bedloe, know that I despise it all. I am as happy for you and Daniel as I am sure you are for Hazel and I."

"I thank you, good man," Henry said. "It is a rare occasion to meet someone one is able to confide in freely with."

"Don't I know," Xavier said. "Sorry, I must not know how difficult it is for you. I only meant that I know that it is difficult to not … not fit the mold you are expected to. Oh dear, and I am supposed to be proficient with words. Forgive me, sir, drink always muddles me so."

"I understand what you mean," Henry said. "It always is difficult to fail to meet expectations. I think all of us here in this room understand that more than anyone."

"Quite right, quite right." Xavier gazed around the room and raised his glass. "To all of us, all we outcasts."

"Here, here."

Henry and Xavier clinked their glasses. Intrigued, Daniel and Hazel joined them. Daniel was the last to trust Xavier with the truth. He glared at Henry when he held his hand lovingly, and shot Hazel a worried glance.

"Daniel, I already knew," Hazel said gently. "It worried me, your being in love with—well—with—him."

"With his childhood bully," Henry offered.

"W-well, yes," Hazel admitted. She shrank behind Xavier. "You were awfully cruel. Daniel screamed your name so many times during the night. I was worried. Daniel, you understand? You worried the same for me."

"We have gotten very caught up in worrying, haven't we?" Daniel mused. He laughed drunkenly. "I suppose we worried too much, dear sister. You have never been more radiant and I must thank Mr. Mandus for that. As for me, well, I am truly happy."

"With me," Henry said.

Daniel blushed. Mandus nodded at him with an accepting smile and Hazel squeezed is hand. Daniel drew a breath.

"Yes," he admitted. "Yes, I am happy with … with you, Henry."

Daniel looked at Hazel sharply, expecting some disappointment from her. He was her older brother, the man of the house other than their tyrant father. Wouldn't she see him as less than a man now? But Hazel only grinned happily, and even nodded courteously at Henry. Daniel relaxed and let the last of his insecurities go.

_But are we too happy? _Daniel wondered hours later. _Has this day been too perfect? I cannot remember such a beautiful day. I almost wish I could die tonight and not let time degrade this memory. _


	4. Chapter 4

**4**

**June 28, 1840**

The docks smelled of fish and humanity. The pungent aroma of the ocean brought back memories both pleasant and unpleasant. It smelled of semen and sex, fish and seaweed, but also of the promises his first journey had not kept. Daniel remembered being shut up in his cabin, delirious with fever and enraptured by the power of the Orb. How could he face this endless blue globe again? How dare he?

Henry squeezed Daniel's hand and flashed him a quick smile. Daniel tried to draw from his strength. Then he was torn away from Henry by Hazel. Daniel held her close.

"Take care of yourself, dear sister," Daniel murmured into her ear. He drew back and kissed her cheek. "Do take care. I shall write as often as I can, I promise."

"So shall I," Hazel said. "Dear brother, I wish you all the luck in the world!"

"I wish you love and happiness, Hazel. Do take care, though. Please do."

"I shall, Daniel, I shall," Hazel assured him. "You know that I have more reasons to live than I ever have before."

"Yes. Yes, I suppose you do."

"Til we meet again, Daniel."

"Yes. Til we meet again, Hazel."

The siblings had never used the words "goodbye" or "farewell", it was something they had become superstitious of. Daniel had started it, being reluctant to ever use a parting phrase that could be permanent with his ill sister. Hazel never knew this, but she always followed her elder brother's lead. They embraced and shared kisses on the cheeks again. So many things had conspired to end the two of them, yet here they stood ready to face their own destinies. They clasped hands and then let go.

Daniel made his way through the crowd, snatching glimpses of partings both tearful and solitary. Here, a family hugged their eldest son goodbye, knowing he may never return. There, a young man strode alone onto the ship to join the crew. Daniel forged ahead, not wanting to spark his own emotions.

On deck, Charles Ledford was waving goodbye to his people with all the grandeur of a king. His wavy golden hair was barely constrained by its ribbon, his tan had returned, and he was lean and strong as ever. Since he and Daniel had faced down the strange reptile and proven it mortal, Charles's vigor had been restored. It was good to see him recovered. By now Daniel's jealousy of the man was tempered by his own superior arcane knowledge. Joining the cult Sol Invictus Mithras had restored Daniel's own vigor.

Daniel meant to pass Charles by but he was spotted by Charles's keen brown eyes. Charles slung an arm around his shoulders and pulled him to his side. Daniel searched the deck for Henry but could not find him.

"There you are, my good man," Charles said affably. "I had started to worry that my good luck charm had abandoned me."

"I am no token of good fortune," Daniel said. "I wish you would stop saying that."

"I apologize, modest Daniel," Charles said. "What is that face? Are you not excited? I seem to recall how exuberant you were before Africa. You talked about it until Professor Herbert—er, well. We all appreciated how excited you were."

"No need to lie to me, Charles," Daniel sighed. "Professor Herbert thought me a naive and overly talkative child, did he not?"

"I never did," Charles assured him. "No, Daniel. I always admired your passion. How very bright and inquisitive you were. You still are, I daresay, but braver. I truly am grateful to have you here, my friend."

Daniel began to feel uncomfortable in Charles' half-embrace. He diverted his eyes from the man's leonine face and tried not to inhale his pleasantly masculine smell. He found Hazel in the crowd and waved to her. His arm tired but he continued waving until the ship began to disembark.

Daniel was finally pulled away from Charles. He looked up and met Henry's pale blue gaze. He never wanted to kiss him so much, but it was impossible in public. Henry squeezed his shoulder tight and gave him a smile. Daniel waved one last time at Hazel—then seasickness overtook him.

The crew laughed when Daniel vomited over the side of the ship. He was not the only one but it seemed all the jeering was directed towards him. He scowled at his weakness. Henry laughed without malice and helped him to the cabin they would be sharing. It was a small space but Daniel was grateful they could travel in relative privacy together.

"What an admirable start to my new adventure," Daniel grumbled in his cot. "I've sailed often enough by now. Why am I seasick? It is your cook's fault, Henry! I told her not to prepare such a rich meal last night!"

"Oh hush, man, hush," Henry chided. "You've never had a pleasant experience at sea, have you? It is nothing to be ashamed of and it will pass. And let me remind you that your copious indulgence in brandy has not done you any favors."

Daniel grumbled incoherently. Henry laughed and Daniel felt the cot heave as Henry sat upon it. Henry stroked his hair and kissed his forehead.

"Hush, Daniel," he said soothingly. "This is what you wanted, after all. A purpose, an ambition. Aren't you pleased?"

"My mind is pleased, my body is—" Daniel almost vomited again but swallowed it down. "Not very pleased."

"Rest now. Here."

Henry produced a small vial and Daniel snatched it immediately. He unplugged the stopper and gulped down the contents greedily.

"I had missed laudanum," Daniel murmured. "How much did you bring?"

"Not very much," Henry said sternly. "I only thought you may need something to ease your nerves in the early days. Sleep, Daniel. Sleep now."

Daniel wanted more but the effect of the laudanum was enhanced by his long withdrawal. Henry kissed his lips and caressed his arm until he fell into a peaceful slumber.

Once Daniel was settled, Henry set about making the cabin livable. He stacked their trunks in opposite corners of the room and unpacked necessities. He decided to work while Daniel slept, setting down his journal, documents, and books just so on the small desk between their cots. He removed his jacket and sat down to write. Fortunately the chair was sturdy enough to hold him. He was as burly as Daniel was svelte. Then again, Daniel had put on some weight in the year since he returned from his dark journey. His bottom was nicely round, particularly, Henry mused.

Daniel murmured in his sleep and rolled over. Henry glanced at him affectionately and tried to refocus on his work. He sobered as he became engrossed in his notes. Since his loss of temper and the severe beating he had given Daniel last spring, Henry had grown obsessed with further taming the cruel side of his nature. Ironically, his new reticence towards violence had hindered his experiments; he no longer felt able to experiment on anyone but the most evil specimens of mankind. He decided to focus solely on these villains, figuring that if he could redeem even one through his treatments then he would be able to finally defeat his own bestial nature. Thus far he had been disappointed. Not only had he failed to cure any of the men, not a single subject had survived.

_There will be a fresh supply of criminals in the East, _Henry thought as he read through his notes. _The Sol Invictus Mithras foreign branches will supply me. But I must admit that my current methods will not work. I cannot tell if it is the procedure, the compound, or both. I will have to reformulate both. I am being too stringent, trying to use substances that will not make one a drunkard or an opium-eater. Either one is better than being a beast. I shall not set so many limits in future. I cannot. There is too much at stake._

Henry set out a fresh sheet of parchment, dipped his pen in the inkwell, and began writing. He drew up two columns, one detailing the successful aspects of his treatments and the other describing the failings. As he wrote, he could not help but think of his personal failings. He kept glancing at Daniel, softened by sleep, and his heart twisted. He loved him more than anything, but there was a dark part of his soul that wished to hurt him. Even now, he could become lost in memories of punishing the other man if he only allowed himself to. By turning his cruelty towards discipline and erotic play, Henry had thought he had mastered his sadistic impulses. But love had inflamed his temper, and he found himself torn between the need to protect and the need to destroy. It was no different than when he was a dumb bullying brute of a child. He had to find a way to change, for his own sake and for Daniel's.

* * *

That evening, Henry and Daniel were invited to take supper with Captain Albright, his First Mate James Harrington, and Charles Ledford in the captain's cabin. Daniel was pale but another dose of laudanum helped him stay steady. The cabin was warm and the food was excellent. Daniel revived enough to be his usual inquisitive self. Henry could not help but feel a twinge of jealousy at Daniel's admiration for the other accomplished men. The young man had a weakness for explorers.

Henry was forced to lie about his work, claiming he was making a study of foreign phrenology and psychology. It took much to convince the other men foreigners _had _any complicated psychology, which irritated Henry. Having been seen as a lesser species himself as a child, Henry never believed the myths of cultural, financial, or racial superiority. After all, if pre-destiny were real, would Henry not have been hanged for a murderer by now, instead of having bettered himself? Whenever the conversation grew too infuriating, Henry spoke in the most complex terms that he could, and enjoyed the glaze of ignorance that overtook the other men. Whatever anyone said about his own phrenology, no one could ever deny Henry's intelligence.

During one of these interludes, Henry caught Daniel's eye. Daniel understood what he was doing and shot him a wry grin. Henry was pleased to see his lover was impressed by him. He wondered how much they could get away with in their cabin. Noise traveled damnably far on a ship but perhaps if Daniel bit down on something …

"I must say it is an honor to sail with you again, Ledford," James Harrington, the first mate, said. He was a jovial man, made much more jovial for his copious indulgence in every alcoholic beverage served. He had a smooth pleasant face, shaven, and very distinct ears. These ears, sticking out from either side of his head like small flags, were now red as his cheeks and nose. "I had the chance to visit the display the British Museum hosted from your last expedition and it was marvelous! Ghastly, but marvelous! I do say a shiver went all up and down my spine. I would daresay you came very close, dashed close indeed, to uncovering Irem!"

"Now, now, none of that occult nonsense," Captain Albright scolded. "These men are scholars, not gypsies. They do not want to hear of your devilish myths."

Charles and Daniel shared a look. They had to look away to keep from bursting into laughter. Had they not shot down a being from the blackest myths together? The leader of the subversive occult group, Sol Invictus Mithras_, _Winslow Octavio Paternoster, had the thing preserved by taxidermy and it rested in his curio collection currently. What would the good captain think about that?

Henry did his best not to be jealous of the sly secret look Daniel and Charles shared. Daniel had been besotted with Charles Ledford ever since his jealousy of him had ebbed. Henry had used his connections with the Sol Invictus Mithrasto investigate Charles and he was comforted by the fact that there was no evidence the man was or had ever been a sodomite. Still, their friendship stirred the ugly beast within Henry's breast.

"It is more than myth," Harrington insisted. He was too drunk to notice the murderous glare his captain shot him. "There is evidence, Captain, evidence that, I say, has been very promising. And it is not only the Arabs that speak of Irem, white men have told tales of those shifting sands and night-blasted deserts ever since we set foot there."

"No sane white man has ever given credence to the idea of a vanishing city," Captain Albright scowled. "And no sane man at all has ever given credence to that blasted Necronomicon, either. Don't give me that boggle-eyed look, Harrington, I've read the damned thing. It is nonsense. Even the Arabs know Alhazred was mad! Why you are so taken with an ancient text penned by some foreign prophet is beyond me."

"The Bible is an ancient text penned by foreign prophets," Harrington said. "We are all still quite taken with that, aren't we?"

"You watch your tongue or I'll have you flogged for blasphemy," Captain Albright said mildly. He stood from the table. "Gentlemen, let us chase these dark shadows away with a brandy and some cigars, hm?"

The drinks were poured and the cigars were lit. Henry found the sight of Daniel with a cigar ridiculous, he still saw the twenty-four-year-old as a boy and always would. Daniel had taken the habit up from Charles and would not give it up. Despite his disapproval, Henry found his eyes wandering to the way Daniel's mouth wrapped around the cigar, sucking and exhaling. He wanted him desperately. They would have to be careful about it, but surely they could have some intimacy.

"Who can say what is myth and what is life?" Harrington pontificated, rings of smoke trailing from his mouth. "Even if the old Arab was mad, who is to say his works were solely fictitious? It may be that Irem has existed as a mundane ruin rather than the nightmare Alhazred hinted at. Finding anything so ancient would be a prize, would it not?"

"Indeed it would," Charles said. "I seek only the truth of the ancient world, as sane _or _as mad as that turns out to be. We shall see."

"I have had quite enough madness for one lifetime," Henry said. He shot Daniel a look. "There is nothing romantic about madness, it is as blind and dumb as any other kind of suffering."

"Henry has a point," Daniel said, sobering. He stared into his glass. "While I admit finding something of Irem would be exciting, I could do without Alhazred's monsters."

"How very fortunate that monsters do not exist," Captain Albright said dryly. "Don't argue, Harrington, I've had enough fiction from you for the night. Bad enough the real dangers of the East, savage damned place. Not as bad as Africa, mind you, but I admit that I loath the desert."

"Africa is horrible," Daniel agreed.

"It's not so bad," Charles said. "But then, I do love the sun! I can't get enough of it, I must say. And there is no finer hunting in the world than in Africa. Where else can you stalk all the great cats and bring down beasts tall as buildings? In fact, I intend to return there to add to my trophy collection just after this trip. I am in dire need of spilling blood."

"You'll stay brown as a nut if you go from the East to Africa just like that," laughed Captain Albright. "But it suits you, Ledford. What do you say of that, Bedloe? Is there something of the savage to be found even in white men?"

"There is something of the savage to be found in all men," Henry said. "I can't say I haven't seen the same in women, either."

"I'll give you that!" Harrington howled with laughter. "My old lady's more of a savage than a cannibal when she's mad, I'll tell you!"

"That's no way to talk about a lady," Albright snapped. "Although I must concur."

The men roared with laughter and fell to bawdier subjects. Henry was bored and his eyes were itchy from all the cigar smoke. Naturally Daniel had nothing to say about women but he watched the men talk curiously. Henry moved his chair around the table to be beside him.

"That cigar is going to make you sicker," he said. "You know that, don't you?"

"Oh, I'll be sick anyway," Daniel said. "Might as well enjoy myself before I am."

The men burst into a loud chorus of laughter. Henry took the opportunity to lean closer and murmur into his lover's ear, "You're a reckless indulgent brat, Daniel."

"Mm too bad you won't be able to discipline me for a while yet, Henry," Daniel murmured back.

Neither of them noticed Charles's sharp eyes watching them as he laughed with the other two. Nor would they have guessed his finely-tuned ears had picked up some of their words. The man's brow creased slightly and then he turned fully back to the captain and his drunken first mate.

* * *

Daniel regretted not taking Henry's advice soon after they left the captain's cabin. He dashed across the deck to lean over the side and heave into the sea. He leaned so far over the rail that Henry had to grab the back of his jacket to keep him from going over.

"D-damn," the man said shakily. "God, I feel like I'll die!"

"You won't die," Henry said patiently. "Judging by all you've told me, you've proven remarkably difficult to kill."

"Not at sea. You watch, one day the sea will do for me."

"Don't be so dramatic."

They were alone and Henry dared give the man a swat on the bottom. Daniel straightened up indignantly but could only remain so for a moment before leaning over to throw up again. Henry had foreseen this and had brought a cup of rum along. He had Daniel swish some in his mouth and spit it out, then let him drink the rest down. That finally settled the man's stomach, though he remained deathly pale and sweaty. Henry brushed his lank brown hair off his face.

"Breathe, lad, breathe," he said. "You'll get over it in a few days if you put your mind to it."

Daniel nodded and inhaled deeply. The night was cool and breezy. He looked overhead and saw an ocean of stars winking down from the void. Henry gripped his hand and tilted his face down to his own. He kissed Daniel's forehead and stroked his cheek.

"Ah, Daniel, it won't be easy not being able to take you in hand," Henry said. "The first thing I do when we return home shall be to take you over my knees and slap your arse scarlet."

His arm encircled Daniel's waist and he drew him close. Daniel shivered as Henry murmured more obscenely detailed plans in his ear. He squirmed uncomfortably but could not escape the larger man.

"Henry!" Daniel exclaimed in a whisper. "Please, someone may hear! Or-or see!"

"It's a promise." Henry pinched Daniel's bottom and then released him. "All right. But for tonight, I think it's best you get your sleep. I'm rather exhausted myself."

"Can I have a minute?" Daniel asked. "I think the air is doing me good."

"Fine but don't be too long. I'll go on ahead."

Henry left him. Daniel sighed and leaned on the rail. The undulating surface below his feet and the endless sky above made him feel weightless. It was a queer feeling but one he had felt before. Through the power of the Orb, he had been thrust into dreams and visions where he went careening through space effortlessly. He shut his eyes and remembered the feeling, let it take him away from his physical discomfort.

Unbeknownst to Henry, the Sol Invictus Mithras' leader, Winslow Paternoster, had been tutoring Daniel in using the power of the Orbs. Those that had been touched by that power and survived had the ability to master the Orbs. It was through this connection that Paternoster had gained his nigh-immortality and cosmic knowledge. On his world, Alexander von Brennenburg had been a similar type of sorcerer. Those strange spheres could connect people across time, space, and dimension. The knowledge was mind-numbing, terrifying, nearly incomprehensible. Though he was afraid of the power, Daniel also craved it.

_'You are Void-touched, Daniel,' _Alexander had told him. _'You shall never be able to close those eyes of yours to the truth of the universe again.'_

Daniel sat down on the deck, back against the railing. The constant rocking of the ship lulled him into a meditative state. He kept his eyes shut and took stock of himself and the journey ahead.

_Paternoster has entrusted me with an important mission and I dare not fail him. I wish that I could tell Henry but … Oh, I know we've started over. I know he's promised several times that he would never beat me so horribly again. But if he knew what I was doing … I can't take that chance. It's not fear of a beating, really. I can take pain. I just don't want to hurt him again. I don't want him to worry about me. _

_Oh, who am I kidding? I don't want him to interfere! Paternoster trusted _**_me_**_! We agreed to keep our business with the Sol Invictus Mithras separate, to regard it as we do our professions and never let it interfere with our personal lives. That's all I'm doing, keeping it separate. And if I succeed, Paternoster promised me even more knowledge and power. I can't help it, I'm drawn to these subjects. This is my true calling. If Henry loves me, he'll understand. _

A loud clap brought Daniel out of his thoughts. He blinked up dazedly to find Charles smiling down at him. Charles sat on a crate in front of him.

"Good God, man, sleeping rough up here?" Charles said. "It's a beautiful night, I grant you, but your back will never forgive you. I would know."

"I was just thinking," Daniel said. "Well, and recovering. I was sick again after dinner. Henry warned me not to have that cigar but I didn't listen. I should have known. He's always right."

"Is he?" Charles's affable smile faded. "Bedloe is quite a close friend of yours, isn't he? You even live in his apartments."

"I rent rooms from him, that's all," Daniel said cautiously. "It isn't my fault he owns one of the best buildings in London."

"Quite an expensive building, at that," Charles remarked. "You're a lucky man to be able to afford it on our museum salaries. Your father must have left you off quite well."

"Hardly."

Daniel had blurted out the bitter retort without thinking. Too late he realized that he was left with no explanation as to how he could afford to live in Henry's building. Charles was too polite to inquire but Daniel saw the confused furrowing of his brow. _Damn it all, I talk too much._

"I had a long conversation with Mr. Paternoster before we set off," Charles said. "He told me the principals of his secret society, the Sol Invictus Mithras. I believe that should this journey prove successful, he would like to induct me into the group."

Daniel's eyebrows raised. What could he say? On the one hand, he liked being a part of something Charles was left out of. On the other, they had become fast friends since their short monster hunt in the British Museum. Daniel also knew that the famed explorer would be an invaluable asset to the group.

"I am only telling you this because Mr. Paternoster informed me that you and Henry are members," Charles said. "He entrusted me with that information so that I could look out for you. I think he plans to make a kind of team of us."

"O-oh."

"I know that Mr. Paternoster especially wishes for me to look after you, Daniel," Charles said. "He told me that more happened to you in Africa, and afterwards, than most people know. Oh, goodness, don't get so excited! He didn't tell me what happened to you, but I assume it's the reason you were able to be so brave facing down that thing in the museum."

"I wasn't brave at all," Daniel said. "If I was at all adequate, it was only because _you _were there. On my own, I'm not anything special. In fact, I'm a coward."

"Don't berate yourself so," Charles said. "I believe Mr. Paternoster when he says that you are far more courageous than you know. Still, no one does it all alone, do they?"

"You seem to manage."

"Hardly," Charles said. "I may be the face of these expeditions but I always make certain to travel with good, strong men. I depend upon my men, discipline, and the bravery of others as much as anyone. I know how important it is to trust your partners and that is why I want to let you know that you can trust me, Daniel."

"Thank you, Charles. I appreciate it."

"That said, I have a confession to make," Charles said. "I have suspected your romantic affair with Bedloe for some months now. Please, don't be offended if I'm wrong. But I don't think I am, am I?"

"Of course you are!" Daniel exclaimed. "I would never, he would never, we are _not_⸻"

Charles hushed him. He climbed off the crate and sat directly beside Daniel. He put a hand on the younger man's shoulder. Although his expression was kind, Daniel saw consternation in his gaze, and he felt discomfort in his touch. Daniel's cheeks grew hot and he stared at his hands, wringing them. He felt shame more than anything, shame and humiliation.

"I don't understand it personally, but to each their own," Charles said. His words sounded rehearsed. "I have traveled this whole wide world over, Daniel. I've eaten things that should be blasphemies of themselves, sat in on ridiculous traditions, even danced queer dances with half-naked savages. Piety is always tempered by travel, I find."

"You're comparing Henry and I to _savages_?"

"N-no, no! I hadn't finished," Charles said. "I was going to say that I have bedded women outside of matrimony, women of all kinds. I'm no saint myself, Daniel. I am also made of weak flesh and I have sinned because of it. So much as I repent my sins, I know I'll always repeat them. It's human nature, isn't it? To take pleasure from the shameful, the wicked … I don't blame or condemn you for it, Daniel."

"That is a relief," Daniel said. "We could be hanged for it, you know."

"I'd never do anything to see you harmed," Charles said earnestly. "You are my friend, Daniel. Believe that."

"I do. I'm glad for it."

"Good," Charles said. "Good. Right. But I do take issue with one thing."

"What?"

"Bedloe, he seems rather bullish with you sometimes," Charles said. "Are you happy to be with a man like that? I told you once before, there are certain rumors about him, the way he treats his paramours."

"I'm happy with Henry," Daniel said. "That's all anyone needs to know."

Charles nodded. Daniel gripped the railing and pulled himself to his feet. Charles got up, stretching languidly and yawning.

"I'd better go down below before Henry worries," Daniel said. "He's protective, that's all. He's a kind man deep down."

"If you say so."

"I do. Goodnight, Charles."

"Goodnight, Daniel."

Daniel left Charles staring out at the ocean. He was anxious about his friend's knowledge of his relationship, despite Charles's words. _Does he think me less of a man now? Surely he wouldn't be talking about protecting me if he didn't know. I hate to be seen as some sort of freak by him. We should have been more careful. It's not my fault that I'm … whatever it is I am. I've never wanted a woman, not ever. The only female I've ever loved at all is Hazel, the rest bore or annoy me._

Daniel was disappointed to find Henry asleep in their cabin. He had wanted to talk about Charles but then decided this was better. If Henry knew that Charles knew about them, he might get confrontational. Daniel made a mental note to tell Charles to keep it to himself tomorrow.

Daniel undressed and stretched his tired limbs. He hated the cramped quarters. At least it wasn't so very dark tonight; the moonlight shone in brightly through the small singular window. Daniel leaned down and kissed Henry's lips briefly before climbing into his own cot.

Despite his tiredness, Daniel could not sleep. He tossed and turned, hot in the small space. Thoughts of Charles and Paternoster crashed through his mind like storm waves. More secrets. More lies. He raised his hand and touched the gold band on his finger. This wasn't right. He was going to ruin everything again. Why did he keep doing these things?

_'You are Void-touched, Daniel …' _

Why did he keep hearing Alexander's voice in his head?

_I know very well why._

Daniel sighed and rolled onto his side, facing the wall. He held his arms over his head, trying not to think. This only made the thoughts roll faster through his brain: _I let Alexander back in, that's why I keep hearing his words. Not even Paternoster knows that I can still communicate with him through the Memory Capsule where his soul resides. He is my secret alone. My dark secret … _

Daniel had continued to sneak into the room at Paternoster's manor where Alexander's Memory Capsule was stored whenever he had the chance. Alexander had become his confessor and his confidant. Daniel told him about Henry, his dreams, his ambitions, and his fears. Alexander had fallen back into the persona that had first greeted Daniel at Brennenburg nearly a year ago: congenial, understanding, patient, and sympathetic. This time, though, Daniel felt Alexander was sincere. Without his own desperate plans to fulfill, Alexander had no more need for betrayal and cruelty. They were almost becoming friends.

_But I must be careful, _Daniel thought. _It's good to get away from him for a while. I shouldn't talk to him anymore when we get back home. Who knows what he might ask of me eventually? I'm not even certain that I would refuse him. In a way, I … I always have been and always will be drawn to him. It's not love or infatuation, it's something more. I can't even say what and that's the most frightening thing._

Daniel finally climbed out of bed. He drew the curtain over the window, flooding the cabin in darkness. He crossed the space in two strides and then squeezed himself in beside Henry. Henry grumbled as he was pushed up against the wall but his arm instinctively fell over Daniel. Daniel burrowed his face into his strong chest and wrapped his arms around him.

"Henry, Henry, I love you," he whispered. "I do love you. I promise I won't disappoint you again. I promise. We'll talk tomorrow. Please always love me, Henry."

Henry was silent save for his soft snores. Daniel curled up in his arms. Eventually he was able to sleep. By the next day, he had forgotten his late-night promises.


	5. Chapter 5

**5**

August 4, 1840

The voyage was plagued with problems and ran behind schedule. Once his seasickness cleared, Daniel did not mind. This was nothing like his expedition to Africa with the sardonic Professor Herbert. Henry was by his side to hold him at night, and Charles filled his days with wonderful stories about his adventures. The captain and first mate were also entertaining with their never-ending banter. Daniel took to strolling the deck morning and evening to keep up his strength. He would admire the lean, muscular crewmen, listen to snatches of conversation, and generally enjoy the bustle of life at sea. It was like living in one of the exploration journals he loved reading so much. At long last, he had claimed his lifelong dream.

Not that being bent over a cot with his mouth full of pillow had ever been part of that dream. Daniel lifted his face for air and gave a short cry as his lover jerked into him. Henry's hand immediately covered his mouth. Daniel, always a loud lover, hated being hushed so harshly. He bit into the man's palm. Henry grunted but did not let go. Daniel's mouth was bright red by the time they parted, and Henry's palm was bleeding.

"Nasty little bugger," he said, giving Daniel's bottom a hard pinch. "I can't wait to have you over my knees again."

Daniel climbed onto the cot and lay panting. Henry wilted beside him, pulling him onto his chest. They had locked their cabin door and stripped stark naked due to the heat. Sex had not been intended but they had started arguing over some nonsense. Henry seemed to be using sex as a substitute for disciplinary subjugation so he had kissed Daniel quiet. One thing had led to another and by now neither remembered what the argument had been about.

The two men dozed for a while. It was too hot to do anything else. The daylight was dim when they awoke. They cleaned up and got dressed, then opened the cabin's window. Cool salt-scented air blew in.

"Oh, that's much better," Daniel moaned in relief. "Lovely."

"Looks like storm weather."

"Mm, I don't care, so long as it's cool."

"Strange, we should be in calm, warm seas by now," Henry said. "But yes, at least it's not stifling. It has been fun but I will be glad to reach dry land."

"Me too." Daniel rolled onto his stomach and reached out to tug Henry's hand. "Henry. Before we land, we need to talk about something."

"Oh? What?"

Henry sat back on the cot beside Daniel, squeezing his bottom casually. Daniel shifted and leaned his head on the man's lap. He fidgeted with his sleeve for a moment before finally speaking. He confessed that Charles knew of their relationship, explaining that he had figured it out through no fault of theirs. Henry was unnervingly placid about the matter.

"Aren't you angry?" Daniel asked. "Or concerned?"

"No. In fact, I expected it," Henry said. "I know that Paternoster has wanted Ledford in the Sol Invictus for a while now. If he is grooming him to be inducted, Ledford probably would have had more frank discussions with the other members. Besides, there have always been rumors about me. I'm only sorry that you have to be embarrassed by all this."

"It's worth it," Daniel said. "People can think whatever they like. I wouldn't give you up for anything."

"No?"

"No."

"I hope that's true," Henry said. "I truly do. I never want to lose you, Daniel. I can't imagine living my life without you."

"Nor I without you."

They sat in comfortable silence a while. Then a crack of thunder made Daniel jump. Lightning flashed. The sunlight was swallowed by clouds and the air smelled of rain. Henry shut the window and the cabin fell dark.

"Light the lamp," Daniel shuddered. "You know I still don't like the dark very much."

Henry did so and the room was illuminated by a warm glow. When he sat down again, Daniel sat on his lap. He normally pretended to dislike being treated like a child but when he was anxious he unconsciously regressed.

A knock at the door disrupted the tender moment. Charles announced himself. Daniel moved to get off Henry's lap but Henry held him in place. They were out of view of the open door. He leaned over to unlock the door and told Charles to enter. Daniel struggled but he was never a match for Henry. He glowered up at him helplessly.

"There's a freak storm come in and—oh."

Charles gaped at the sight of Daniel on Henry's lap. He stammered and turned away. Then he turned back. Then he averted his eyes. Finally he cleared his throat and got ahold of himself.

"Daniel told me that you know about us," Henry said. "I'm glad you're not disapproving."

_He's enjoying tormenting Charles, and me, _Daniel thought. _I should have known he would do something like this._

"No of course not," Charles said too briskly. "Er, anyway, there is a storm moving in fast. No one knows where it came from. It should have been easy sailing from here. I just came to warn you that it's going to get rough."

Henry kissed Daniel's forehead and Charles sucked in a breath. Despite himself, Daniel took a perverse kind of pleasure from Charles's disquiet. He had only ever seen the man this nervous when he was in the grip of the strange artifacts of the reptilian race.

The ship rocked violently and Charles was thrown across the room. The three men ended up in a tangle on the cot. Charles was blushing furiously as he tried to get upright. The ship crashed down and he lost his balance again. Daniel's head knocked against the wall hard and he cried out.

"All right?"

Henry and Charles asked the question simultaneously. Henry's temper was finally riled and he scowled at the interloper. Charles held up his hands as if to say he was only being polite. Before he could speak they were tossed about again.

"Oh for heaven's sake!"

Daniel was smirking wickedly. It was quite pleasant, being thrown into these two handsome men so violently. He used the chaos to grip Charles's arm tightly. He was trimmer than Henry but his arms were also hard with muscle. He noticed and his golden brown eyes met Daniel's. Daniel almost laughed at how terrified he looked.

_Has he thought about it? _Daniel wondered. _Has he really thought about what it means for me to be with Henry? I wonder if he's imagined it. He has been a bit distant from me since we talked about it. He won't put an arm around my shoulders or touch me at all. Is he disgusted by what I am? Or is he afraid of being curious about it?_

Henry pushed Charles away. Charles fell onto the cot opposite them. They all found the nearest piece of furniture and held on fast. The door banged open and Henry staggered across the small space to close it. Before he could a tremendous _CRACK! _caused them all to jump back. Daniel and Charles made their way over to Henry and looked out at the ship past him.

"Oh my God," Daniel breathed.

The ship was on fire. There were shouts and screams everywhere. Men ran to and fro as passengers scrambled for safety. They could see Captain Albright screaming orders into the pouring rain. Great waves towered above the ship and crashed against its sides. They saw men flung off the ropes and deck into the sea. The sky was mottled with dark green clouds swirling overhead and alive with electric flashes. The storm seemed to have settled directly over the ship.

"This … This isn't natural," Charles said. "I've never seen anything like it."

Daniel turned and scrambled back into the cabin. He fell to his knees hard but kept going. He began tearing through his luggage like a madman, letting clothes and supplies fly out across the floor.

"Daniel, what on earth are you doing?" Henry shouted at him. "Charles, get inside. We have to secure the door and hope the fire doesn't reach us."

The men shut themselves in. Charles kept an eye out the porthole while Henry knelt beside Daniel. Daniel didn't even notice him as he tore the room apart.

"Stop that! Have you gone mad? Daniel? Daniel!"

Daniel shook him off and continued his search. Finally he pulled out a circular case that Henry had not seen before. He yanked out a key that had been chained inside his jacket and unlocked the case. He pulled out padded clothes and then retrieved the object of his search.

"Aha!"

Henry went white as a grin spread across Daniel's face. In his hands he held a stone sphere, perfectly round and smooth, as if molded by a factory. But Henry knew no earthly hands had crafted this object. The thing was no less than one of the Orbs of Power that had wrecked Daniel's life last year.

"What … Where did that come from? Why do you … "

Daniel got to his feet and headed for the cabin door. Henry grabbed for him but he was too slow. He cursed and clumsily followed. His mind was whirling and his heart was sick. Only moments ago they had been happy. How could everything have turned so fast? He felt dumb and angry, a mean-spirited boy again. The beast inside turned over and opened an eye.

"This will save us!" Daniel was shouting. "Charles, move! I can help us!"

"What are you talking about?" Charles asked. "What is that? Hey! What are you doing?"

Daniel pushed Charles aside and burst out of the cabin. Charles shouted after him and Henry joined him in the doorframe. Both their yells were stopped when they saw Daniel walk steadily out into the chaos. In his hands, the Orb glowed with a strange green light. Though the ship tilted up and down, he walked perfectly steady. It was as if reality were being warped to suit him.

"What the hell is going on here?" Charles asked Henry. "What is he doing? _How _is he doing that?"

"Never mind," Henry growled. "We have to go get him. That thing is dangerous and that foolish brat has no right using it!"

Indeed, the strain of using the Orb was beginning to show. Daniel's face was a tight grimace and his body began to tremble. His knuckles were white as he gripped the Orb. His eyes kept leaving the stone to take in the chaos he was shielded from. His hazel eyes were green in the Orb's glow and the panic in them was growing. If the power escaped him, he could be killed—they could _all _be killed. His mouth parted and he gasped for breath.

Henry reached him and grabbed his shoulder. In the Orb's glow, everything became steady. He turned Daniel to face him and raised a hand. The fear on Daniel's face stayed his hand. Now was not the time.

"What the hell are you doing?" Henry asked. "Did Paternoster give you that?"

"Y-yes," Daniel panted. "He said it could … get us to … Irem. B-but, but, Henry, something isn't … Gah! Something isn't right! It hurts! Oh, Henry, it burns!"

Henry grabbed the Orb, meaning to take it from Daniel. The glow intensified and his hands felt as if they were on fire. Lightning exploded in the sky or perhaps just across his vision. His fury burned through him into the Orb and something from the Orb flowed into him. He saw his whole life in an instant, and that was not all. He could feel the brutal cycles of Nature itself, aeons of survival's violent dance. It was horrible and beautiful. All across time and space, that dance was the same.

Charles reached them finally. He shouted questions but neither man responded. The turmoil of the storm was muted in the Orb's glow and it was growing fainter. He felt that all of reality was draining away. His inhibitions defeated by terror, Charles clung tightly to Daniel's arm.

"Daniel, what—"

But it was too late. Everything vanished at once. A wave came crashing down upon the ship. When the ship surfaced again, the men were gone.


	6. Chapter 6

**6**

The first thing Daniel felt was blazing heat. He remembered the fire and struggled to come to consciousness. His eyes were glued shut and his mouth was gummy, tasting of salt. There was a gentle pressure beneath his shoulders and head, lifting him up. Water trickled into his mouth and he drank gratefully. A damp cloth wiped his face and he gathered the strength to scrub his eyes.

When he opened them, Daniel found himself in Charles's grasp. The man's wavy blond hair was loose around his face like a mane and he had days' old stubble. His golden brown eyes were grave and he was frowning deeply.

Daniel looked past Charles into the sky. He winced and turned his face from the blazing sun. There was no motion beneath them and his free hand sank into thick sand. He looked around and saw wreckage scattered about them. Charles helped him to sit up, not saying a word.

"What happened?" Daniel asked hoarsely. He cleared his throat. "Did we make it to land?"

"In a manner of speaking."

"Where are we? Did it save us?" Daniel asked. "The Orb! Where's the Orb? Is it safe? Where is it?"

"Daniel … "

"I can't have lost it! Help me, Charles!"

Daniel's strength returned much too quickly. He got on hand and knee and began digging around the sand. He wore only breeches and his shirt, the fabric of both torn at sleeve and knee. His brown hair was also loose and fell in stringy, sandy tangles to his shoulders.

"Daniel, please," Charles begged. "Not now."

"I have to find the Orb!"

"Daniel, please!"

"DAMN IT!"

Daniel and Charles raised their heads at the booming voice. Charles jumped to his feet as Henry came barreling at them. Even Daniel had the sense to cringe back as his shadow fell on him. Henry grabbed Daniel by the shoulders and hoisted him to his feet. Before Daniel had the chance to finish stammering his explanation, Henry had slapped him full across the face. He cried out piteously but it did nothing to stay Henry's temper. He was roaring words Daniel was too stunned to make out at him, shaking him violently. He managed to get another slap in before Charles grabbed his arm.

"That's enough!" he growled. "Bedloe, unhand him! Can't you see the man's weak as a kitten? Let him alone!"

Henry snarled for Charles to stay out of it. Charles tried to pry his hands off Daniel but one mighty shove sent him to the ground. Henry cuffed Daniel about the ear and shook him.

"Of all the fucking things, you bring an Orb with us?" Henry yelled. "_An Orb_? You endanger the lives of every soul on board that ship without even telling us? Without even telling _me_? You damned bastard! You thoughtless, worthless, selfish man! Damn you! Damn you to hell!"

A click made Henry finally stop his assault. His wild blue eyes looked askance to find the barrel of a pistol pointed directly at his temple.

"Leave him be," Charles said, "or I will shoot you down like the rabid dog you are."

Daniel held his breath as silence fell between them. He had never heard such a silence, not even a hint of wind stirred the sand. He expected Henry to charge Charles. He was too dehydrated to cry but his heart twisted painfully within his chest. He braced himself for the gunshot.

The sound never came. Henry released Daniel and sighed deeply. He ran his hands through his ink-black hair and slowly regained his composure. Charles lowered the gun but did not holster it. He positioned himself firmly at Daniel's side.

"Is that the way of it, then?" Henry scoffed. "You want to be his great defender, Ledford? Well go ahead! You have no idea, _no idea _who that man is."

"Henry, please," Daniel begged.

"Shut up!" Henry snapped. "You know if your precious Charles had any idea of who you are, of _what _you are, he would turn that pistol in your direction rather than mine."

"Stop! Stop it!" Daniel screamed. "Stop talking, Henry!"

"I will not!" Henry yelled. "What, do you think your old colleague and friend is some tragic figure, Ledford? The sole survivor of a doomed expedition? Poor Daniel? Ha! 'Poor Daniel', indeed!"

Daniel was clutching his head in both hands. The weak seams holding his sanity together began to loosen. When Charles glanced at him, there was doubt in his eyes, suspicion. _No! No, no, no, don't look at me that way! Not you! _

"Henry, please, stop!"

"No," Henry said coldly. "Do you think this is all an unfortunate accident, Charles? He knew what might befall us if he brought that damned stone with us. He knew perfectly well because he's seen what one of those things can do. He simply did not care."

"It was a different one than Alexander's!" Daniel blurted out. "It was far weaker! I-I thought I could control it! Paternoster said that I could if I tried! And I did! Didn't I?"

Daniel laughed a deranged laugh, gesturing about them. Charles holstered his pistol, no longer certain whose side to take. All this talk of magic stones was madness.

"I saved us!" Daniel said. "Didn't I? We escaped the storm through the power of the Orb! We would be dead if it weren't for me! You should be grateful!"

Henry came over and grabbed Daniel by the arm. Charles made no move to stop him. Henry dragged Daniel through the wreckage. Daniel realized that there was an entire section of the ship sticking out of the sand, what looked like several cabins. Henry kicked open the door to one and shoved Daniel inside. He forced his head down roughly.

"Should they be grateful too, Daniel?" Henry asked. "You killed them just as surely as you 'saved' us."

Several charred skeletons were fused together at the back of the cabin. There was no stench but that of ozone. Not a strand of flesh remained on the bones. One of the skulls was smaller than the others. Daniel trembled but had little time to react. Henry flung him out of the cabin and into the sand. Daniel crawled back from him.

"But what happened? Why would that—What happened? Where are we?"

"The Orb took us God knows where," Henry explained. "It brought us to the desert, along with part of the ship itself. We were the only ones in its light. I gather that's why we were the only ones to survive the trip. We survived the storm because of the Orb, aye, but there would have _been no storm _had you not brought that damned stone with us!"

"N-no, no, that's not what happened! That's not how it was supposed to happen!"

"But it is what happened!" Henry said. "Just like what happened last year. I'm sure your dear friend Charles read all about it in the papers, didn't you, Charles? Sir William Smith, Professor Taylor, Doctor Tate? Do those names sound very familiar?"

"NO!" Daniel shrieked. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop talking!"

"Those were … murders," Charles said. "Gruesome, bloody business. What are you saying? That couldn't have been … Daniel couldn't have done something like that. Look at him! He isn't capable!"

"Oh, he is more than capable," Henry said. "No, that was not him directly, but he caused all those deaths. Then he fled to Prussia and decided to get more hands on, isn't that right, Daniel?"

Daniel was screaming for him to stop. He fell to his knees, holding his head in his hands and rocking. Charles reached for him but his hand stopped short. Henry was not the kind of man to tell wild tales, and Daniel's reaction … Could it be?

"To save himself, he killed," Henry said. "Didn't you, Daniel? He's told me all about it, you see. Men, women, _children_. Yes, he's confessed all his sins to me. Poor, guilty Daniel begging to be punished. But neither confession nor guilt nor punishment stopped you from bringing that Orb with us and dooming us all, did it? Nothing ever will stop you, will it?"

Henry swiftly crossed the space between them. Charles put a hand on his holstered gun as he reached for Daniel. But the fury had drained from Henry, replaced by cold, sorrowful pain. He lifted Daniel to his feet and stared down at him. He could feel the young man shivering despite the heat.

"And I am helpless to do anything about it," Henry explained to Charles, "because I love him. Do rabid dogs love, Charles? I think not."

"Henry, I'm sorry," Daniel cried. "Please, please. I didn't mean for this to happen. I thought I could control it. I thought I was stronger. I only wanted to … to … "

"You wanted power," Henry said. "You always have, you always will. And now more people are dead because of it."

"No," Daniel whispered. "No."

"Yes!" Henry spat at him, shaking him a little. "Yes. And all I can do is … "

Henry dragged Daniel a little ways from Charles and propped one leg up on a piece of a barrel. With the weary expression of a disappointed father, he bent Daniel over his knee and pushed his shirt off his buttocks. He unlaced the man's breeches and tugged them down, exposing him.

"Henry, no," Daniel whined. "Not in front of Charles! Please!"

"Bedloe," Charles started.

"Stay out of this, Ledford," Henry said. "This is a lover's quarrel and you have no place in it. Unless you think a spanking is too harsh for a man that's just killed who knows how many people with his selfishness?"

Charles could not argue with Henry's dry remark. He fell silent as Henry lifted a hand and slapped his palm across Daniel's bared bottom. For such a large man, his arm moved swiftly, smacking Daniel's plump exposed flesh vigorously. He put all his strength into it and Daniel's backside was scarlet before long. All the while, Daniel kicked and protested and squirmed like a small child.

"Hand me that board just there, would you, Ledford?"

Charles picked up the sea-smoothed plank of wood and handed it to Charles. He came around the pair and stooped to meet Daniel's face. Daniel was blushing and his face was streaked with tears. He gave Charles a hurt look. Charles took one of his hands in both his own.

"You too, Charles?"

"I'm sorry, Daniel, but people have died," he said. "I don't know about all this magic business, but … Anyway, it isn't my place. A man has a right to discipline his partner. You could at the very least try to take it like a man."

Henry cracked the plank of wood across Daniel's backside and he yowled. Charles let his hand go. He gazed out into the desert.

"Right. Well, I'll leave you to it, then," he said. "There's an oasis nearby. I'm going to salvage what I can from the cabins and see how we'll do for water."

Charles doubted either of them heard him. Henry was paddling Daniel in earnest and Daniel was carrying on hysterically. _He treats him as one would a wife, _Charles thought as he left them. _I don't know which is more disturbing: that Daniel is a murderer or that a man can love another man so fiercely. But I suppose he does love him in his way. I had best stay out of it._

Charles began exploring the wreckage. Daniel's cries echoed through the still desert around him for a while to come. When he left for the oasis, the steady rhythm of whacks had yet to slow.

* * *

By the time Charles returned, Daniel was lying face-down on a pile of blankets someone had spread over the sand. His breeches had not been laced up and sagged below one cheek. Charles hissed at the angry dark red marks. He set his bags down and sat beside Daniel. He had his face buried in his arms and was sobbing softly. Henry was digging through the wreckage some ways away.

"Now, now, you'll dehydrate yourself with all that crying," Charles scolded. "Keep a stiff upper lip. Here. Drink this."

Daniel raised his red sullen face enough to drink some water. He scrubbed his eyes with a fist and drew a shuddering breath. Finally, he began to calm. Charles was reticent to touch him, not wanting to give the man any ideas, but Daniel looked so pitiful that he rubbed his shoulder.

"You must think so poorly of me now," Daniel sniffed. "I told you, I-I'm not brave. I'm not anything. I'm pathetic."

"I don't know what you've done in the past," Charles admitted. "I hate to think that our friends, my colleagues, were slaughtered because of something you did. I hate even more to think you've murdered innocent people. Honestly, I simply cannot fathom it."

"It is true," Daniel admitted. "God help me, it is all true."

Charles mulled this over. Daniel watched him closely, wondering what he was thinking. His physical pain paled in comparison to his shame. He was stunned that Henry had betrayed all his secrets to his admirable friend. How could he disparage him so? Daniel almost wished Charles would shoot him and end all of it.

"Tell me."

"What?"

"Tell me all of it," Charles requested. "If I am to remain your friend, I need to know exactly who you are, Daniel. I think it is also important to know more about Henry, Paternoster, and all this magic business."

Daniel's eyes moistened and he wiped them on his shirtsleeve. Faltering at first, he began to tell his story. By the time he explained the Orb's reign of terror in London, he was pouring the truth forth without restraint. He could not meet Charles's eyes as he spoke.

Charles was amazed. It was difficult to reconcile this shattered young man who could not even take a spanking with the crazed torturer Daniel confessed to have been. Charles thought he may go mad himself when Daniel described murdering the young girl that had tried to escape Castle Brennenburg. How could a man have two such different sides?

Charles had been raised by upstanding, godly parents. Although he had fallen to temptation many times, it had always been harmless enough: indulgence in pleasurable sins. He took most of his peers to be much like himself. Certainly he had seen cruelty, but often it was justified: religious zeal, the necessity of discipline, the ardor of combat. What Daniel spoke of was nothing Charles had ever witnessed: cold, deliberate, agonizing murder. Yet the murderer himself lay there sobbing in guilty shame, looking little more than a boy. Charles felt sorry for him! He actually pitied him! He should be indignant, should do what Henry said and turn his pistol on him. This boy upon whose shoulder his hand still laid should have been hanged and rotting in hell.

_So why can't I hate him? _Charles wondered. _I still remember when I first saw him: a wide-eyed young graduate always trailing after Professor Herbert, asking question after question. I remember Herbert complaining to me about his precocious new assistant. He harassed and humiliated him all the time, but Daniel went on admiring him. He was so mild, so respectful. I thought he was a good, God-fearing man. Had I not been so busy traveling, I would have taken him under my own wing. How can evil look like this? How can this be the face of sin?_

"You're mad." Charles laughed humorlessly. "Oh, of course, of course that's it. This magic Orb you found in Africa, its powers drove you mad. Poor man, you should be in an asylum being taken care of."

Daniel winced at the words. They were not accusatory, merely factual, and that made it worse. Henry had once made the same observation. As if summoned by the memory, Henry's shadow fell upon them.

"Oh no," he said. "Don't excuse it away as mere madness. I made the same mistake for the longest time myself. He has been mad at times, but not always. In fact, I daresay his worst decisions have been made when he's been most rational. Do you really think that Paternoster would have entrusted that Orb to a raving madman?"

"No. No, he wouldn't have," Charles conceded. "But this strange being you spoke of, this Alexander von Brennenburg; did he hurt you, Daniel? He must have tortured you as well, forced your hand."

"No," Daniel admitted. "No, he was very kind to me at first. He was … perfectly paternal. At least, he was what I believed a father should be. He was persuasive but he never forced my hand. I was frightened and I chose to survive—no matter the cost. Not only that, the-the enjoyment …. the excitement of it all … that was mine alone. _I _ruined Alexander's plans by … by enjoying it so much. I was enamoured by the power of it all."

Daniel sat up painfully, rubbing his bottom. He fastened his breeches and then stood.

"But must I suffer for it forever?" he appealed to Henry. "Is that why you wanted to know my story, to torment me with it? To shame and humiliate me? How could you tell him? How _could you_, Henry?"

"You don't think I have a right to know that I've been friends with a bloody murderer?" Charles broke in. "Bedloe owes me nothing, but you? Has this all been some grand jest to you, Daniel? Has my friendship amused you so? God! You let me support you and compliment you and help you! You let me bring you on my expedition, for God's sake! And look how that's turned out!"

Daniel stepped back but found no comfort from Henry. Trapped between the two furious men, he shriveled inside. Visions of his youth swirled before him: frantically trying to escape abuse from Henry, from his father, from the other children. The desert was darkening with nightfall. They were going to lock him in one of the cabins with the dead bodies, he just knew it. He was going to be shut away in the dark, alone with all the monsters in the shadows.

"Please, please don't."

"If Henry weren't here, I would probably shoot you!" Charles went on. "_I _am not your lover! _I _will not forgive you! In all likelihood, we'll perish out here in this godforsaken desert! You used me! You used me, my name, my career, and for what? I thought you just wanted an adventure, but oho no! No, that wasn't it, was it? Professor Herbert warned me all the way back then, did you know that? He said you were jealous of me. But I was too stupid to believe him! I believed you, Daniel! I thought you were sincere!"

"I was!" Daniel protested. "I was sincere! I have always admired you, Charles!"

"That isn't what you've told me," Henry said.

The wounded look Daniel gave him almost made Henry feel sorry for him.

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen!" Daniel insisted. "I love you, Henry! You know that I do! And Charles, you have been my friend! I swear you have! I was stupid, so utterly, utterly stupid! Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I want to kill myself for shedding more innocent blood? I know what I am! I know … I know … But please, don't … don't shout so! Please … don't … don't leave me … it's getting so dark. Please! Henry, please! Pl-please …. "

Daniel's breathing was raspy and irregular. He staggered towards Henry and then passed out. Henry caught him in his arms. He shook him, expecting it to be a pretense, but Daniel had fainted dead away.

"How can you love him?" Charles asked bitterly. "Never mind it's a sin, but knowing the things he's done … How can you?"

"I have always loved him," Henry said. "I used to bully him when we were children because of it. He nearly killed me with a rock one day because of it. I should have known he would be my downfall."

Nevertheless Henry picked Daniel up in his arms. Charles found his tenderness exceedingly strange to behold. He had seen men less affectionate with women. He shook his head but said nothing. He was acutely aware of how precarious his situation was, stranded out here with two monsters. For only a monster could love another monster so dearly.

"Well what's done is done, I suppose," Charles said. "All we can do is deal with this mess. My cabin was one of the ones that was … transported. I have my maps and navigation devices, so I can chart where we are once the stars come out. We should gather more supplies and think of how to make the journey away from here tonight. We can rest during the day tomorrow and then set out tomorrow night. The oasis has plenty of water so that won't be a problem while we're camped here. Normally animals are a problem around drinking holes but I didn't see anything alive out there. Not a single thing. It's damned uncanny."

"I'm going to put Daniel in our cabin," Henry said. "He needs his sleep. We'll go out to the oasis and fill as many canteens as we found. The desert gets cold at night so we should also see if we find a blade to cut some wood for a fire. You can chart where we are on the way."

"Right," Charles said. "All we can do is keep moving now. I don't think Daniel left either of us with any other choice."

"I know what I said about him, but understand that I do love him," Henry said. "I may discipline him but that's my responsibility. If we are all to get along then you should know that if you ever move to hurt him, I will kill you."

"Yes, I gathered as much," Charles said dryly. "Don't worry, Bedloe. I have no taste for murder. Let God deal with him. I won't touch him."

"Good man."

_The only good man of this lot, _Charles thought. _I'll have to watch myself. Neither of these two speak of killing frivolously. I'll be damned if my end comes at the hands of either of them!_

* * *

Daniel awoke in total darkness. He knew immediately that his fear had come true: he was locked in a cabin with the dead. He lay on the cot paralyzed by fear, barely able to breathe. The shadows writhed in his vision and he felt the presence of a beast nearby. He would be consumed in moments. How could he have been so foolish? He had used another Orb and summoned another Shadow! He could feel the weight of it upon his chest, its breath brushing his cheek, and he could not even scream.

_'Dan … iel … '_

Daniel opened his eyes. A very dim glow illuminated a corner of the room. Control returned to him and he managed to sit up. There was no beast, no Shadow. He tentatively made his way across the cabin. The Orb lay beneath the broken, bent writing desk. Its green glow filled Daniel's eyes. Despite his fear, he reached for it. Any light at all would be better than darkness.

_'Daniel?'_

"A-Alexander?" Daniel whispered. "Is that you?"

Daniel desired to speak to his former antagonist. As if granting his wish, the Orb glowed more brightly. Alexander's voice came to his mind clearly.

_'Daniel? How are you speaking to me? Aren't you abroad by now?'_

"Yes," Daniel spoke to the Orb. "I-I am. There was a storm, and I used the Orb, and now we've been-been transported somehow to some awful desert and they've left me alone! They've left me all alone in the dark! They've abandoned me!"

_'Calm yourself, Daniel,' _Alexander's deep voice soothed him. _'Calm yourself and open your mind to me. Let me see what happened. No, do not speak. Show me. Show me your mind.'_

Daniel closed his eyes and let the memories play behind them. His heart throbbed all over again as he saw flashes of Charles and Henry's angry faces. He hugged his knees and the Orb to his chest and rocked himself.

_'Oh dear. You've had quite a bad time of it, haven't you?'_

"Mm hmph," Daniel managed. He was crying again. "I never should have used this Orb. I wasn't strong enough. I'll never be strong enough. I'm worthless. I should have just stayed home with Henry and Hazel, working in the museum. I don't know why I pushed for this. Why did you encourage me? You should have warned me this would happen!"

_'For all that I see, Daniel, I do not see the future,' _Alexander said. _'Don't try to put this on me. I only wanted you to pursue _**_your _**_ambitions. And I do not think you have totally failed yet. In fact, discounting the deaths, I hesitate to say that you've failed at all.'_

"How can you say that?"

_'You sought Irem, did you not?'_

"I did."

_'And Irem is in the desert, isn't it?'_

"Well, yes."

_'And you are all in the desert?'_

"Yes." Daniel's eyes widened. "Oh. _Ohhh_! The Orb! It did do what I wanted! Well, in a way. It saved us from that storm and it's brought us here to find Irem!"

_'Now you're catching on,' _Alexander said, a bit patronizing. _'You are not lost, friend. What you must do is continue using that Orb. Do not fight its power and do not be distracted the way you were on the ship. Do not let fear master you, Daniel! That is the key to dealing with the Orbs: never to let fear overcome you! They create from all strong emotions, you see. If fear is your strongest emotion, then the Orbs will bring those fears to life. Pure creation, Daniel, that is the power the Orbs hold, remember? They are creation itself!'_

"I remember," Daniel said. "Yes, that's right. I remember now. You said my fear is what formed the Shadow."

_'That's right. Fortunately this Orb is easier to master, its power is very weak,' _Alexander said. _'On the ship, your desire to escape and your desire to succeed overcame your fears just enough. You did master the Orb for a moment, Daniel. It was not perfect, but you did well.'_

After all the insults and blame, the praise was a balm to Daniel's torn ego. He nodded desperately at the words, wiping away his tears. Still he rocked a little, back and forth.

"Yes, yes, that's right," he said. "I can do it. I can master the Orb. I can. I saved us. I knew it! I saved us!"

_'Yes you did,' _Alexander said. _'Now you must pick yourself up. Find the others, I doubt they truly have left you. Or don't, if you don't want their company.'_

"No, I do," Daniel said. "They have a right to be angry with me. I did lie to them both. I always lie and ruin everything."

Alexander's voice was silent. Apparently, even he could not argue with that. Daniel wasn't surprised. After all, he had ruined Alexander's plans to use the Orb to return to his world last year at Brennenburg.

"What should I do?" Daniel asked. "With the Orb, I mean?"

_'Simply feed it your desires,' _Alexander said. _'How do you think you are talking to me right now? You wished more than anything to communicate with me and so the Orb linked us. Do you see? Do you see the power you may wield? But you must control yourself, Daniel. You must master yourself. And you won't do that sitting here in the dark like a frightened child. Go, Daniel. Find Irem!'_

"Yes. Yes, I will. I will."

Daniel shakily got to his feet. He dried his eyes at last. They shone green from the light, hard with determination.

_'Good,' _Alexander murmured. _'Very good. You must use all the Orb's power to find Irem, so we will not be able to speak. I wish you luck, my friend.'_

"Thank you, Alexander," Daniel said.

The voice went quiet and the Orb's glow faded. Daniel hesitated before the cabin door. He gathered his courage and tried the doorknob. The door opened onto the cold desert night. The air was a relief and steadied his nerves.

Henry and Charles had not left after all. They were sitting by a fire talking. Daniel's confidence withered at the sight of them. He kept Alexander's words in his mind as he forced himself to approach them. They stopped talking and watched as he sat down before them. He felt like a schoolboy coming forward for a whipping. Unconsciously, he let the Orb in his hands show.

"I thought we were rid of the damned thing," Henry scowled. "You shouldn't be holding it so carelessly. Or do you want to transport us to another deserted place to die?"

"We aren't going to die," Daniel said. "I know what to do now. I know how to use it."

"You can't be serious!" Henry exclaimed. "You want to use the Orb again?"

"Calm down, Henry, please," Daniel begged. "Listen to me. The Orb did save us from the storm. I … I made mistakes while using it. I know that and I'm sorry. I really am sorry. But now we have no choice but to use it."

"I'm not letting that thing transport me anywhere else," Charles said. "I'd rather die out here."

"And we _are _going to die out here, Daniel," Henry said. "Your precious Orb transported us miles away from any civilization at all. We have no food, not enough equipment to carry an adequate supply of water. We're stranded."

"There is one place out here, of that I'm certain," Daniel said.

"And where is that?"

"Irem, City of Pillars."

"Perhaps I was wrong," Henry said. "Perhaps you are simply mad after all."

"It's not madness!" Daniel said indignantly. "I know it's here! The Orb's power brought us here because I wanted to find Irem. It will lead us to the city, I just know it."

"So you want us to follow you into the desert like some prophet?" Charles sneered. "You want the two of us to keep dancing to your tune like puppets? I can't believe I ever pitied you."

"Then stay here and die, Charles!" Daniel burst out. "Or make your way on your own! You're the great explorer, aren't you? This should be nothing more than another adventure for you, right?"

Charles's eyes were wide and his mouth actually dropped in shock. Henry laughed incredulously. Where had this strength come from? Daniel had been utterly despondent earlier—had the Orb done something to him? Or was this simply how he acted when he believed he had real power?

"You little bastard!"

Charles went to slap him. There was a flash of green light and he was suddenly pushed back down. The force was not very strong but on a windless night it was unmistakably supernatural. Charles's anger drained along with his color. Even Daniel looked surprised this time.

"What on earth?" Charles gasped. "Did you use that thing to attack me?"

"I'm sorry," Daniel said, awed. "I didn't mean to. You scared me."

Henry was not pleased by this development. He relied on being Daniel's physical superior to keep the young man in line. He would be ruined if Daniel had some magic ability that allowed him to stave him off.

"I don't want to fight anymore," Daniel said wearily. "I know I've disappointed you both. All I'm asking is that you trust me one more time. Like you said, Henry, we'll die out here before we find civilization anyway. What is there to lose?"

"Our sanity, being beholden to you," Charles muttered.

Daniel ignored him and looked at Henry. Despite the display of power, his eyes were still soft and pleading. He was still Daniel, the troubled boy Henry had always adored. Henry had already been feeling guilty about tormenting Daniel to the point of collapse. He decided to give him one more chance.

"All right, I'll go along with it," he agreed. "But if you dare use that Orb against _me_, I'll whip you bloody. Understand?"

"Y-yes."

"Good. Now put that thing away and come here."

Daniel found his satchel among the recovered goods and put the Orb inside. He was slow to return to Henry, unsure of what the man intended. Henry pulled him down to sit on his lap, squeezed him tight. Relieved, Daniel embraced him passionately.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry, Henry."

"I know," Henry sighed. "I know you are. Here, eat and drink something. You look like death. Still sore?"

Daniel nodded as he took one of the stale biscuits and a strip of preserved meat. Henry kissed him and patted his bottom comfortingly. Charles might as well have not been there for all the attention they paid him. He wished he were anywhere else. Had they no shame at all?

"I'm going to sleep," Charles announced. "If your magic stone can find Irem, then it can do it by daylight. I've had it."

He left them snuggling by the fire. He could ignore blasphemous affection, he had seen worse. What really bothered him was the relationship itself.

_For all his carrying on, Bedloe really doesn't care about the lives lost, _Charles thought. _He was punishing Daniel for lying to _him_, for hurting and disobeying _him_. They are both selfishly living in their own world and there's no room for thoughts of anyone else. No, it is _Daniel's _world they both share. Henry doesn't see it but Daniel is the one steering that ship. He may let himself be spanked to appease the brute but in the end he gets everything he wants. Henry's love is hot and possessive, but blind and dumb. Daniel's is warm and needful, but shrewd and manipulative. He could get Henry to do anything for him. In a way he is just like that Alexander figure he spoke of, able to seduce anyone into doing their bidding. I can never trust Daniel again. He's too dangerous. They are both too bloody dangerous._

Charles settled himself in his cabin, leaving the door open. He gazed out into the starry night listlessly. In all his travels around the world, he had never felt so alone. He murmured a prayer to God before going to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**7**

The next morning, the men traveled to the oasis. There were still no living things in sight. They washed up and refilled their canteens. After eating a meager breakfast of provisions, they returned to the wreckage. Anything useful was packed, the rest of the ship was left to its strange desert memorial.

_The bodies of the people who died in that third cabin will never be found, _Daniel reflected. _It looked like a couple with a child. Anyone that cares for them will never have a body to bury, no idea their bones will rest here in the desert forever. More souls lost because of me._

Daniel held the Orb in his hands before setting out. He tried to do what Alexander said and feed it his desires. He focused on Irem, the legendary desert city. But his spirits were dampened by guilt, his will weakened by remorse. The Orb flickered uncertainly. Not wanting to fail in front of Henry and Charles, he set out walking anyway.

The hours passed monotonously. The unflinching sun beat down on the men apathetically. Henry unbuttoned his shirt and Charles stripped to the waist, tying his shirt around his head to absorb sweat. None of them had the energy to speak for many hours.

"Daniel, is there something you're not telling us?" Henry asked at last.

"N-no. Why would there be?"

"Because we are going in circles."

"No we're not!"

"No?" Henry stopped walking. "Then pray tell me what _that _is?"

Henry took Daniel by the shoulders and turned him around. Charles stopped to watch them. They all squinted in the direction Henry pointed. Charles took out his telescope, unfolded it, and peered into the horizon. His mouth tightened into a grimace.

"That is the wreckage we left over three hours ago," he informed Daniel. He folded the telescope back up. "We have traveled in a circle."

"No, it-it can't be!" Daniel protested. "No."

"Yes," Henry said mildly, "it is."

"We may as well go back," Charles said. "We aren't going to find anything out here. Might as well die close to water. I hear starvation is nowhere near as bad as dying of thirst."

"Agreed," Henry said. He grabbed Daniel by the wrist harshly. "Come on! The first thing I'm doing when we get there is burying that damned Orb where you won't ever lay eyes on it again!"

"No, please, it will work! It has to!"

Henry dragged his lover along the way a parent drags a willful child. Charles snorted and shook his head. Daniel tripped and sprawled out on the sand, his wrist slipping from Henry's grasp.

Daniel sat up and looked back to see what had tripped him. Something white was sticking out of the sand. He curiously brushed sand away while Henry urged him on.

"Look, do you see?" Daniel exclaimed. "Look, it's a pillar! I knew it! Irem is here!"

Henry and Charles balefully stared down at the broken base of a pillar. Henry burst into laughter. Charles sat down in exhausted frustration.

"It is here, I'm telling you!" Daniel said, his temper flaring. "Why don't you believe me? Why does no one ever, _ever _believe me? For once, just for once, can't you believe that I know what I'm doing?"

"No," Henry said. "No, because you're a little fool, Daniel. You wouldn't know the City of Pillars if they all fell on you."

"Alexander would believe me!"

"Why do you keep mentioning that damned creature?" Henry asked. "He tried to kill you more than once, even possessed your body. Do you know what? I should have left you to him! If I had, none of this ever would have happened."

"You don't mean that."

"Oh yes, I do." Henry stood. "I mean it. I never could have done it, but I wish I had. I wish to God that I had fallen in love with anyone, anyone at all, rather than you, Daniel. Now stop this foolishness. The very least you can do is have the dignity to accept the doom you've brought down on us all. Give me that damned Orb and let's go back."

Henry grabbed at the Orb and Daniel held it tight. Henry grabbed him by the arm and shook him. They grappled for the Orb, shouting furiously at one another. Finally Henry backhanded him, sending him to the sand. The blow loosened his grip on the Orb and Henry caught it before he fell.

"Blasted thing."

Henry threw the stone at the broken pillar. It hit hard and shattered into myriad pieces. Daniel cried out, one hand clutching his reddened cheek. Henry dusted his hands off on his breeches, pleased with himself.

"Stay here with it, if you want," he said. "You know where we'll be, there is nothing else around here."

"No, you're wrong! You're wrong, you're wrong! YOU'RE WRONG!"

Henry had never seen such anguished rage on Daniel's face before. Not for the first time, he saw murder in those hazel eyes. Daniel picked up one of the fragments and raised it. Henry was reminded of when they had fought as children and Daniel had bashed his head in with a rock; the look on the man's face was exactly the same now. Henry felt a prick of trepidation and sobered. The feeling was far too close to fear. Daniel banged the piece of the Orb against the pillar. The blow caused a peculiar resonating hum to swell around them. The fragments glowed brilliant green. Wordlessly, Daniel picked them up and pieced the sphere back together.

The Orb's cracks healed and the glow brightened. It looked like an explosion. The men all shut their eyes. When they opened them again, everything had changed. Even as they stared dumbfounded, the broken pillar faded into wholeness. The very sand beneath their feet turned to smooth white tile and buildings began to form all around them. Voices whispered past their ears and ghostly shapes breezed by. Trees soared overhead and birdsong clearly broke the silence.

In a few blinks, the three men were in the middle of a tiled path between two long rows of white stone pillars. Palm trees sprung up all around and desert flowers made the air fragrant. There were people bustling to and fro around them, market stalls filled with goods, camels chewing cud. Laughter and voices in a thousand languages babbled. At the end of the tiled pathway and its flanking roads stood a magnificent city. Its fantastic white domes and spires seemed to touch the sky itself. It was surrounded by gargantuan white pillars in place of a wall, each one holding a golden sphere atop. The spheres shone in the sun and cast brilliant rays upon the white city.

"This can't be real," Charles said faintly. "It just can't be."

"I told you," Daniel said. "I _told _you!"

Daniel had the same worn out, happy expression he usually had after intense sex. Henry caught his eye and could not help but share his smile. He patted a hand down atop Daniel's head. The Orb's glow faded and Daniel placed it reverently into his satchel.

"Ah, so the stars have favored new visitors."

A man in a dark red caftan approached them. Gold thread wove intricate patterns at the collar, sleeve ends, and hem. His sandals were rich, oiled black leather. On his fingers shone many jeweled gold rings and he had a long gold earring hanging from one ear. His raven hair was tied from him his face in a tail, gleaming in the sun. His eyes were so dark brown as to be black. He was clean-shaven and his nails and toenails were immaculate. He spoke perfect English with only a slight, melodic accent. They would have taken him for Arabic nobility or royalty, but everyone around them appeared equally rich.

"Welcome to Irem, City of Pillars," the man said affably. "My name is Rasim. I take it from your appearances that you are not here by design?"

"Actually, we were searching for this city," Daniel said. "The journey proved more trying than anticipated."

Henry was impressed at how quickly Daniel had regained his composure. The young man did his best to brush sand off his clothes and straighten them. He stepped in front of Henry and Charles, extending a hand.

"I'm Daniel," he introduced himself. "These are my companions, Henry Bedloe and Charles Ledford."

Henry bristled. Charles outright scoffed. Rasim's ebony eyes darted across all of them as he shook Daniel's hand. It was only for a second but Henry saw Rasim notice the handprint still marking Daniel's cheek. But the man's dark handsome face was a mask of amiability.

"So you sought Irem," Rasim said. "What business do you have here?"

Daniel hesitated, glancing back at Henry and Charles. Henry had to stifle a groan. Were there yet more secrets his lover was keeping?

"I cannot allow you into the city unless I know your business," Rasim said. "Apologies, but you see, it is my job. I am both gatekeeper and guide in this city."

"Gatekeeper?" Charles said. "Only you?"

"Yes—"

Rasim moved so quickly no one's eye caught more than a blur. He appeared behind Charles, a curved dagger caressing Charles's throat. The pleasant expression upon his face had not changed.

"—only me."

Charles held up both hands in surrender. Rasim whirled away from Charles with a fluid motion as he sheathed the blade. _This man is a killer, _Henry thought. _Not a wild murderer or a sadist. Not a maniac. He is a professional, one that thinks no more of taking life than swatting a fly. This dolt Charles better not test him again. We didn't come all this way to die on the road to the city!_

"So I ask again," Rasim addressed Daniel. "What is your business in Irem?"

"I came to deliver a message to and barter with Crispino Heius," Daniel stated. "I come on behalf of Octavio Winslow Paternoster—or, as he said may be more memorable here, Octavius Lurius."

"Ah, I know Octavius!" Rasim said with a flash of straight white teeth. "So, he still lives out there in the mundane world?"

"Yes, he's done quite well for himself," Daniel said. "Mundane world?"

"The world where time still has meaning," chuckled Rasim. "I can see you are curious but courtesy should always take precedence. If you are friends of Octavius, then you are guests of mine. Come, I refuse to let guests stand out here in such abjection. Come, come."

They were led down the tiled road towards legendary Irem. The white pillars grew progressively larger until they towered like monoliths but they were always dwarfed by the pillars encircling the city itself. Passing beneath the two that flanked either side of the entrance, the golden globes atop them could have been mistaken for miniature suns. The bases bore delicate inscriptions in no language the three men had ever seen.

The atmosphere of the city crashed upon them like a living wave. The white buildings were adorned with gem-like stones, gilded metal, and breathtaking frescoes. Greenery spilled out from stone garden boxes everywhere and palms stood proudly alongside the streets. The people were a blend of myriad races and cultures, outfitted in every sort of fashion to have ever graced history. Some people were dressed in strange outfits none of the three had ever seen before. Though there had not been such mixed chatter since the confusion at Babel, the cacophony was oddly pleasant; it spoke the pure universal language of human life. Everyone was clean and cared-for, idling luxuriously or dashing about importantly.

Daniel gave in to childish delight. He gripped Henry's hand and pointed things out to him. Here, a troop of soldiers riding zebras! There, on the massive main road, royalty in an ivory howdah atop an elephant! A woman beautiful enough to make men weep walked a tiger down the streets. In a small square nubile women and men wearing only strands of glass beads danced for a crowd. All was beauty and excess of indulgence. It was as if they were walking through a poet's final fever dream, where death unshackled all the restraints that burdened the living.

Though he had declared himself a guide, Rasim said nothing. Henry intuited that he was allowing the city to speak for itself. No one could possibly be capable of listening to a tour upon their first visit, the optical impact of Irem alone was almost too much to bear.

They eventually made their way onto a less-crowded avenue. A river ran in a channel beside them, little bright fish darting along with the current. On the other side of the river they could see small palaces ensconced behind sprawling gardens. Henry began to lose his sense of space and distance. Irem was larger than a city, it was more akin to a small country! The horizon went on and on, until it terminated in a massive palace he could barely make out through the heat-rippled air. He doubted any cartographer could map this place without losing his mind.

Rasim stopped at ornate iron gates. He made a gesture with his hand and then opened them. They were greeted by a lush green garden bordered by rosebushes. The roses were the exact shade of Rasim's caftan. Incongruously, two panthers came stalking down the pathway towards them. One was white and the other as black and silky as Rasim's hair. Charles's hand flew to his holstered gun but Henry grabbed his wrist. Charles glowered up at him and Henry shook his head sternly. He mouthed the word "dagger" and Charles let his hand drop.

Rasim petted the great cats and greeted them in Arabic. He waved the others on. They followed reluctantly, giving the beasts as wide a berth as they could. Rasim laughed and claimed his pets were "harmless". As Charles neared him, Rasim casually added, "when I wish them to be".

They climbed steps made of the curious stone all the buildings in Irem and its pillars seemed to be constructed of. It resembled pure white marble but had a more porous feel. Despite this, none of the stone was worn down or stained. In fact, nothing in Irem looked dirty. The city was pristine.

Rasim welcomed them to his home. The stark white foyer was overtaken by a massive stairwell. Above the stairwell an incredible painting rose from the stairs to the ceiling. The style of the painting was nonclassifiable but as beautiful as any Renaissance work. It depicted an Irem that was far more believable: an ancient city as one might imagine most desert kingdoms to be. The people were all of Rasim's kind and the animals were left out in the wild. Only their expressions were familiar to this Irem: carefree, intelligent, indulgent faces that could only belong to the truly free. They were seen in varying activities such as shopping in a market, eating in their homes, making love in a garden. The artwork was so vivid that one expected the people to be in motion.

Instead of the heavens overlooking the painted city, the sky rose into darkness. In these purple and red shadows were sneering faces. They looked down at the happy city with impotent contempt. Some of them were also shown going about their daily activities but they remained grim. Somehow the artist had managed to capture their pious hypocrisy and spite, even the glint of jealousy in their eyes.

"This city was once as you see it there," Rasim said of the mural. "But the wise men and the kings of other cities did not like the idea of Irem. Weak men are frightened by the free, for who would they have to control if all were free? What slave would attend their needs? What subordinate would suffer their abuses? What false lover would stoke their egos? Those ones—" He gestured up at the sneering hypocrites. "—decided to destroy Irem. But as I have heard wiser men than they say, ideas cannot be destroyed. So Irem was destroyed but its idea lived on. The idea of Irem blossomed and grew. It is growing even now."

"I don't understand," Daniel said. "This place is more than just an idea, it's real! We are standing within stone walls, speaking with a man of flesh and blood. This has to be more than just an idea."

"Ah, but the idea is what is important," Rasim said. "The rest? Well, of course the rest was magic! How else does a city vanish and reappear? A free wise man will always be more clever than an enslaved one. Our wise men resurrected the city and hid it away until the day comes when the world is ready to accept absolute freedom. We are all the more free now, free of death, free of time, free of restraint. Our beautiful city endures."

"What sort of magic?"

"Now, now, there will be plenty of time for talk later, curious one," Rasim laughed. "The servants have filled the guest baths and laid out clean clothes for you. After that, we shall take a meal together. Hospitality begins and ends at the table. Come with me."

Rasim led them down a hallway until they came to two blue-tiled double doors. The mosaic boasted a fish on either door with pearls for their eyes. They entered a large open space with benches and bars holding plain white robes.

"You may undress in here," Rasim explained. "Your possessions will be taken to your guest rooms. Are any of you particularly attached to your clothing?"

They all answered in the negative.

"Good, I'll have them burned," Rasim said. "They won't even do for rags now. The desert is a cruel companion. Please, by all means, undress. It won't do to have so much sand trailed into the baths."

Rasim turned his back on them politely. Henry shrugged and began to strip. Charles did the same. He seemed to be too dazed by it all to do more than follow along. Daniel reluctantly set his satchel down and undressed. He was self-conscious of his bruises but it did feel good to be rid of the sweaty, dirty clothes.

"Good," Rasim said. "Now."

He opened the door to the baths and motioned them in. As Daniel passed, he noticed the dark purple bruises on his buttocks. Henry cursed himself for beating the man but how could he have known they would end up in such a situation? Furthering Henry's dismay, Rasim put a hand on Daniel's shoulder to stop him.

"Would you like ointment for those bruises?" he offered. "You must be quite sore."

Daniel's face flushed red. He felt small and pathetic before sharp, confident Rasim. Their eyes met as he stood abashed and Daniel realized how exceptionally handsome Rasim was. He was as tall as Henry and had the wiry, lean strength Charles possessed. He smelled of warm musk and exotic spice. His olive skin was smooth as silk, and thick, long lashes framed those piercing ebony eyes. Daniel could not read his eyes but his expression was kind. It had been so long since Daniel had had sympathy from anyone other than Alexander …

Henry wanted to interrupt but did not dare. There was no telling what Rasim was capable of or what might set him off. All he could do was watch while Daniel gazed into Rasim's eyes. Suddenly the beauty of Irem held no joy for Henry. His heart twisted in his chest and he cursed himself over and over. Why had he been so hard on Daniel? No, the man surely deserved his beating, it was the very least of what he deserved! But why should Henry be the one to punish him? Why should he discipline him when he always ended up forgiving him anyway? To satisfy his damned sadism? Would he lose Daniel because of those old urges?

"No, thank you," Daniel finally muttered. "I'm fine."

Rasim accepted the answer and let him pass. Henry caught up to Daniel and took his hand in his own. To his relief, Daniel smiled up at him. Perhaps all was not lost after all. He would have to be kinder to the young man.

The bath was a spacious room taken up by a pool large enough to swim in. Booths on either wall poured forth streams of water from the ceiling that flowed in small rivers to the pool. The pool's water smelled of oils and there were herbs floating along with the bubbly foam puffs on its surface. Incense made the humid air heavy and intoxicating. Harp music was being played somewhere out of sight.

"Your clothing will be brought to the changing room we just came from," Rasim explained. "Do you require anything else?"

"No, this is lovely," Daniel said. "It's incredible, actually."

Rasim bowed genially and then left them to it. Daniel wasted no time wading into the pool from the steps sloping down into it. Henry followed. Charles walked around the rim, eyeing the water skeptically.

"He could boil us alive in here, you know," he said. "God knows what is in this water."

"If he wanted us dead, we would be a meal for those panthers by now," Henry pointed out. "That is not a man that needs subterfuge to kill. Might as well come in. When in Rome and all that."

Charles gave in at last. His tension soon melted away. The water was perfectly warm and thick with oils. There were underwater benches along the edge of the shallow side for them to sit on while soaking. Daniel discovered that the far end of the pool was deep enough to swim in. He was in high spirits and spent a fair amount of time babbling about the great city.

"I knew we could make it," he said. "It was worth it, wasn't it?"

"Not for the people who died on the ship," Charles said sharply.

"Come on, Ledford, what has happened to your sense of adventure?" Henry said. "Leave him alone."

Cowed by Charles's remark, Daniel swam over to Henry. Henry kissed him passionately as Charles turned his face away. He sat Daniel on his lap, an arm around him. Daniel leaned his head on his chest and rested his eyes.

"While we are all here, though, I think you should explain something," Henry said. "Daniel, what you said on the road to Irem. What exactly did Paternoster charge you with?"

"Just what I said," Daniel said. "Honestly, that's all! He sent me to bring a message to his old friend, Crispino Heius."

"You said you were sent to barter with him, too," Charles said. "Barter with what? Our souls? I wouldn't put that past you, you know."

"I'm to barter with the Orb."

Daniel laughed at their shocked expressions.

"I said that I would use it to get us here, I never said that I intended to keep it," he said. "That's why it was so important that I not lose it. Thank God you didn't manage to permanently destroy it, Henry."

"If you had only told me all of this from the beginning," Henry lamented. "I told you that I would allow you to carry out business for the Sol Invictus, didn't I? I would have helped you, Daniel. You had no reason to fear me, not after I promised not to hinder you. I only needed you to tell me."

"I thought you might change your mind about it all," Daniel said. "I thought mentioning an Orb would make you go back on the whole thing."

"I meant what I said about starting over," Henry said. "You didn't even give me the chance to prove that I meant it. Still, I'm … I'm sorry that I beat you."

"No, you don't have to apologize for that," Daniel said. "I deserved it, I know I did. I won't lie to you again, Henry. I promise."

"Thank you, Daniel."

They kissed. Daniel shifted on Henry's lap and came closer to Charles. Charles moved away but not before he got a good glimpse of the man's writhing body. He was stirred to erection. Horrified, he had to sit on the bench beneath the foamy water, lest the other two see. Confusion rippled through him. How could the sight of a man arouse him? He had seen men naked often while traveling rough: bathing in rivers, changing clothes, boys taking whippings. He had never felt sexually attracted to any of them. Why would he feel this way now?

Charles could not stand the sound of skin sliding across skin, the tiny smacks of kisses. He splashed across the pool to leave. Daniel caught him by the arm before he reached the stairs.

"Don't go," he huffed. "Stay."

Charles's mind screamed at him to get out but his body was frozen. The incense smoke was heavier in the air and it was making him lightheaded. Was that a green glint in Daniel's eyes? Charles shook his head to clear it and looked at Henry for help.

"Stay," Henry said mockingly. "Afraid to, Charles?"

None of it made sense. Where was Henry's possessiveness? Where was his outrage? How could the beast of a man only laugh? Something was not right, this was not how it should be. Charles willed his body to move but he could not. Daniel's delicate hand on his arm made his skin tingle and his erection throbbed with need. He sank back down into the water and towards Daniel.

* * *

Daniel did not know how long they remained in the pool. Everything was a smoky blur of pleasure. He regained awareness to find the other two men dozing on the bench beside him. Both of them? Why was Charles so close to him? Why was his hand resting upon his thigh?

"What happened?"

"Nothing so unusual. The taking of pleasure, that is all."

Daniel looked up to find Rasim smiling down at him. He knelt at the edge of the pool, one hand swirling the water. Daniel remembered and he groaned.

"Oh no, Henry will kill me!" he said. "How could Charles do such a thing? He's not attracted to me, he never has been. I can usually tell. How could he?"

"You desired him to," Rasim said, "so he did."

"Are you saying I did this?" Daniel gasped in horror. "That I somehow _made _him desire me? But how? I don't have any special powers. I couldn't. No, I-I wouldn't!"

"How can you say that you are powerless?" Rasim asked. "You are Void-touched, and an Orb wielder besides. Yet you come to this city escorted by these two, beaten and degraded. Why?"

"I know how it must look, but you don't know me," Daniel said. "I'm not a good person. In fact, I'm a monster. Everything I've gotten, I deserve."

"No one is deserving of anything in this world, there are only those who give and those who receive, those who lose and those who take," Rasim said. "You have the power to take, as you've just seen. So why do you fight against it? Do you not want happiness? Do you not want freedom?"

"What about their freedom?"

"What about it?" Rasim said callously. "You are the only sorcerer here. You alone have the power to claim true freedom."

"A sorcerer? Me?"

"Yes," Rasim said patiently. "None but a sorcerer could wield an Orb and survive, not even a weak one. Not only that, but you faced down the power of another Orb. I have spoken to the World Whisperers and they told me much about you. They say that you even defeated the thing calling itself Alexander von Brennenburg."

"You know Alexander?" Daniel asked. "Has he ever been here?"

"I know of him," Rasim said. "He never dared set foot in this city. There are some from his own world here, you see, and he is a wanted outlaw there. Doubtless he would be executed on sight if he met with his people in this city."

"I thought this city was one of freedom?"

"Yes. Everyone is free to do as they please."

"Oh, I see."

"Yes, but do you?" Rasim cocked his head. "I cannot tell if you are playing dumb or not. Surely you cannot be so unaware of your own abilities?"

"I told you, I'm not special," Daniel said. "I've managed to survive all of this but only barely, only by doing horrible things. That's why I need Henry. He keeps me in hand. It's difficult sometimes but it's never anything more than I deserve."

In one undetectable motion, Rasim took Daniel's face in his hand. He looked deep into his eyes for a very long moment. Daniel felt the man was staring directly into his soul but he could not look away. He released him with a small laugh.

"Ah, I understand now," he said. "Of course, it is so simple. Playing the victim _is _a part of your freedom. You derive pleasure from this feigned helplessness of yours and the sympathy it invites. Still you are that little boy locked in a dark cellar, crying out to the world for kindness. No one gave it to you then, so you are addicted to taking it now."

"No," Daniel said uncertainly. "No, that can't be it."

"My sight is never wrong," Rasim said. "Well, go on playing your games if you like. You will not be denied anything by me. Lunch is being served within the hour. We will talk more later, little sorcerer."

With that, Rasim strode from the room. As the door clicked shut, Henry and Charles began to wake. Daniel was worried about Charles but the two men were still dazed. They got out of the pool and rinsed beneath the showers set in the walls. They found a variety of clean clothing in the changing room, all Eastern styles. Daniel chose a white caftan and brown leather sandals. Charles donned black trousers, flat shoes, and an indigo shirt he belted around the waist. Henry chose a big dark green caftan, loose pants to wear beneath, and black sandals. The clothes were cool and comfortable. They groomed at the mirrors and then left.

Rasim awaited them outside. He personally escorted them to the dining hall. On the way, Daniel watched Charles come back to his senses. A deep frown settled on Charles's face and he stared straight ahead. Once or twice he glanced at Daniel, only to look away in disgust. Daniel did not dare speak to him.

Henry was slightly confused but in good spirits. He slung an arm around Daniel for the duration of the walk. Daniel wondered if whatever charm he had worked on the two had not yet worn off of Henry. The idea both worried and thrilled him.

_Could I really have that kind of power over people? Did the Orb grant me some sort of ability? Or is it this city of magic? Whatever it is, what does it mean? What will I do with it? I should do nothing. Every time I try to wield power, something goes terribly wrong. I should hand over the Orb, leave Irem, go home, and be done with all of it. Yes, that's what I'll do. That is exactly what I'll do. In the meantime, though, it can't hurt to learn as much as I can. Knowledge never sullied anyone._

The dining room boasted a table that could easily sit fifty, surrounded by wide padded chairs. The furniture was dark wood and carved with intricate designs. A veritable feast had been laid out despite the smallness of the group. There were dishes from a variety of cultures. Henry filled his plate with a bit of half the meats available. Famished, Daniel chose whatever he could identify. Charles was the only one who was disinterested in the spread. He chose a few kebabs and nibbled at them distractedly.

"I have told you of the city, but not of myself," Rasim said conversationally. "I have lived in Irem since its first inception. Time has no meaning here. The World Whisperers say that over a thousand years have passed in your realm but I care nothing about such things. I came to this city long before it ascended into true freedom, long before it was even built. I was one of the architects of the worldly Irem."

"Over a thousand!" Daniel exclaimed. "So you really are immortal? Is everyone in this city?"

"While one is in the city, they are immortal," Rasim said. "Time does not pass here. The city rarely even touches your realm. There are those that leave Irem and then they age again in your time-shackled world. Sometimes they return. Sometimes they do not. Octavius Lurius, for example, was not satisfied with immortality in a single city. He returned to your realm and made himself semi-immortal there. The best of both worlds, you see?"

"Not really," Daniel said. "How can immortality not be enough?"

"Octavius was a conqueror," Rasim explained. "There is no land to conquer here. The people who serve do so by their own free will. Even those who subject themselves to grueling punishment do so out of deep-rooted desire for it. You understand that, surely?"

Daniel blushed.

"Some people cannot be content in a world they cannot dominate," Rasim continued. "It is the act of suppressing the freedom of others that they crave, the destruction of other egos. The men and women of that kind always leave Irem."

"But there must be subjugation here," Charles spoke up. He pounded the table. "What you're describing is impossible! This is a city of devilry and magic! Can you truly say no one is being hurt or enslaved?"

"You seem to misunderstand desire," Rasim said. "Do you believe desire is merely pleasure? That people are drawn only to what brings them joy, comfort, and happiness?"

"Of course," Charles said. "Why would anyone desire anything else?"

"So you have never stood at the edge of a cliff and desired, only for a moment, to know what falling off of it would feel like?" Rasim asked. "Have you never read one of your sacred texts and imagined the wrath of a deity raining down from the sky? Have you never wished it would happen, simply to see how the experience would feel?"

"Everyone has perverse thoughts," Charles said. "That doesn't mean they truly desire those things."

"Doesn't it?"

"No!" Charles said loudly. "No, it doesn't. Besides, I have never once, never in my life, desired … desired … "

"I speak only of the residents of Irem, of course," Rasim said. "Once one is ready to take up permanent residence here, they know what Irem is and they have accepted true freedom. Guests may not always find the city so favorable. There is, as you say, much power in this place. It amplifies certain energies."

"Magic is stronger here?"

"Yes, it is."

Charles gave Daniel a long, hard stare. He stood from the table.

"I've had enough," he said, obviously not speaking of the food. "Where are my things?"

"In your room, of course," Rasim said. "I will have someone show you to it."

He had just finished speaking when a mummy entered the room. Daniel almost choked on his food. Henry uttered a curse. Even Charles took a step away from it.

"Do not be alarmed, it is merely one of my slaves," Rasim said. "It will show you to your room."

"Your slaves are dead people?" Daniel asked in alarm.

"Only weak men enslave the living," Rasim said. "That thing is no longer human, it is only a reanimated body. It neither thinks nor feels. You have no reason to fear it."

"Lunatics," Charles muttered. "Utter bloody savage madmen."

He followed the mummy out of the dining room, swearing all the way. Rasim shrugged, waved a hand carelessly, and resumed eating.

"So much for the brave adventurer," Henry scoffed. "What in the world is the matter with him? You'd think he'd have preferred to die in the desert!"

"Henry?" Daniel ventured in a whisper. "Don't you remember?"

"Remember what?"

"In the pool," Daniel said. "Don't you remember when we, all three of us, we—"

"I thought I would let you have the pleasure," Henry said. "I've been cruel to you, Daniel. I wanted to make up for it. And that idiot was more than willing at the time."

"So you knew?" Daniel asked. "You had no problem with it?"

"Of course I knew!" Henry laughed. "I admit, I was a bit dizzy from that bath and the incense, but I wasn't unaware. You think I could have ridden you like that if I were half-unconscious?"

"I thought I had done something."

"What could you have possibly done?"

"I-I think … I think that I did something to Charles," Daniel admitted. "I didn't mean to! At that moment, I only wanted him to be my friend again. I wanted him to stay with us. I think I got carried away with those desires."

"So what?" Henry asked. "Charles Ledford is no threat to me. Besides, he did little more than fondle you. No need to be so guilty, Daniel, not over this."

"But I did do something," Daniel said. "It was the Orb, it gave me some sort of power over Charles. I _made him _want me."

"He isn't lying," Rasim interrupted. "It was the Orb's influence that drew your Mr. Ledford to him, because he desired it."

"And how do you know that?" Henry inquired. "Were you watching us?"

"I allow no secrets in my house," Rasim told him. "You three intrigued me, especially your little sorcerer there. I could not tell if he was master or slave."

"Neither can I sometimes," Henry said. "A sorcerer, though? Isn't that an exaggeration?"

"Not at all," Rasim said. "Daniel is quite gifted in the arcane arts, though he lacks confidence. Why do you think he keeps masochistically seeking them out? This is his true calling."

"Masochistically?" Daniel asked. "What does that mean?"

"Oh, has the term not been coined yet in your time?" Rasim thought for a moment. "I have no head for time anymore. The term 'masochist' simply describes someone like you, Daniel; one that is aroused by pain and humiliation. In turn there is 'sadism', which is what you are, Henry; someone who is pleasured by inflicting pain and humiliation on another. You're not a perfect match but you do go well together in that regard."

Daniel wanted the conversation to end but Henry was intrigued.

"So these urges will someday be studied?" he asked Rasim. "Will they ever be cured?"

"Why would anyone want to cure sexual gratification?" Rasim said. "Psychiatry will affix those labels and many, many more. The unwise men will try to subdue them, pray them away, cut them out of the brain itself, electrocute them out of the body, drug them into repression, but all for naught. Desire is desire, only freedom can satisfy it."

"So my work is futile?" Henry murmured. "All my studies will come to nothing?"

"If your aim is to tame human desire, then yes," Rasim said. "But why would you want to do such a thing? You are handsome, strong, and intelligent. Stay in Irem and indulge your pleasures instead of battling them."

"Stay here?" Henry laughed. "No, I'm afraid that would not be possible."

"Why not?" Rasim asked. "What do you have in your realm that is worth denying true freedom for?"

Henry opened his mouth then shut it. He was stricken by his inability to think of a single attachment to the realm where time still moved. Deep down, he had always suspected that his battle against human nature was futile. In this languid realm, he found he could no longer lie to himself about it. What _was _his work, anyway? He spent most of his days listening to men gripe about their mothers or their wives, or prescribing sedatives to women with complaints society would never take seriously. What was the point of it all? To feel that he was somehow better than they were? To take comfort in the fact that he was not the only one to fall victim to his base urges?

Henry stared down at his plate, cutting meat into pieces with his knife. His education and career had anchored him in life, now he had been set adrift. If he was truly honest with himself, he still only wanted the two things he desired as a boy: Daniel and the pleasures he took from Daniel. There was nothing else.

_This is why Daniel always terrified me, _Henry realized. _My very first temptation, the only one that I ever suffered over. He does not need that Orb to have power over me. I am already his. I suppose I should use him, then. Yes, that's right, he can be useful._

"Even if I don't have much reason to return, Daniel cannot stay here," Henry said. "He has a sister just married, his career, his role in the Sol Invictus. And I have no desire to remain in a place where Daniel is not."

Daniel beamed at him and Henry gave him a short smile.

"Ah, I see," Rasim said. "Neither of you are ready yet. To each their own. Irem will always be here, should either of you change your minds."

Talk turned to other subjects. Rasim was a gracious and effusive host. He regaled them with many tales of the city and its people. Once the meal had ended, he suggested that they rest until nightfall. They agreed and he escorted them to the second-floor guestroom they would be sharing. Rasim pointedly noted that he had put Charles up in a separate room down the hallway.

"You should want to have the energy to see Irem at night," he explained. "It is most beautiful in the darkness, I find."

"If time doesn't pass, how is there day and night?" Daniel asked.

"Time passes around Irem, and so we watch as the desert wakes and sleeps," Rasim said. "Irem is still in this world, it simply is no longer _of _it."

"It's all so confusing."

"Only if one over-thinks it," Rasim said. "In Irem, over-thinking can be fatal. I have seen many mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and all kinds of scientists lose their minds in this city over the years; it is as pitiable as it is entertaining."

The guestroom was full of sunlight. Glass doors opened onto a balcony with a sprawling view of the grounds. Daniel leaned over the rails and saw peacocks wandering through the lawn, flowers of many varieties in a patchwork layout, and some mummified slaves tending the gardens.

Since Daniel was busy looking all around, Henry thanked Rasim for his hospitality. Rasim gave his courteous less-than-half-bow and left them. Henry found their things in the closet and piled them closer to the bed. He knew he should be mourning the loss of his work notes but he felt nothing. Ever since he had entered Irem, a feeling of elation had overtaken him. His self-doubts, anger, and insecurities had drifted away into the dreamy haze of the City of Pillars. He had thought that the Sol Invictus Mithras had given him freedom but that was a mere taste of it compared to Irem.

"I love this place."

Daniel stopped trying to figure out how to make use of an incense burner and looked at him. Henry was sitting on the edge of the bed, sandals having fallen off his feet, staring out the windows at the sky. Daniel had never seen such a peaceful look on his face before. He decided to make use of his good mood.

"Henry?" Daniel took his hands in his own. "I know that I've been terrible to you over this trip. Do you think that you could ever forgive me?"

Henry turned to Daniel and stared at him as if seeing him for the first time. He patted Daniel's head, brought his hand down to caress his bruised cheek. His other hand came around and squeezed Daniel's sore bottom. Some guilt lingered but he stopped fighting the gratification. It pleased him to see the young man marked by his passion. It stirred him to watch Daniel flinch.

"I forgive you, Daniel," Henry said. "I probably shouldn't be saying this, but I will always forgive you anything. I love you too much not to. That isn't to say I won't punish you when you deserve it, though. You're maddening sometimes. Absolutely maddening."

Henry took him in his arms and kissed him. Daniel flung his arms around his neck and met his fervor. They fell back on the bed in a tangle of limbs, profiles inseparable. The scent of jasmine wafted in on the breeze.

_There is no reason to hide our affections here, _Daniel thought. _No need to be quiet or hold back. No one to judge us. There's only us, together, in this beautiful place. I never dared dream of heaven, but I doubt any pious fantasy can match this city. _

"We should stay," Henry murmured. "Let that fool Charles go back to London and give Paternoster our regards. We could be happy here. I doubt you would ever run out of things to explore in this place."

"I wish that we could," Daniel said. "But you were right when you said that I can't stay. I must look after Hazel. I know that she's married but she will always need a brother. In fact, it pains me to think she must believe me to be lost at sea. We must conduct our business as quickly as possible and return home."

"Home," sighed Henry. "Home to dirty, presumptuous, tireless London. This city is poison, it has poisoned me against the place I once was so proud to be a part of."

"Mm, me too," Daniel said. "Well. I suppose we could stay a few days, if Rasim is willing to let us. I really would like to see more of this city."

"Yes, I think that would be nice," Henry said. "Just a few days. A few days more … "

In the warmth of the sunlight, they soon fell into a doze.


	8. Chapter 8

**8**

A city like Irem was never meant to sleep. When darkness fell, the city was set ablaze by torches and lanterns. The red glow was dimly reflected by the golden spheres atop the stately white pillars lining the roads and ringing the city. Where the firelight did not reach, a multitude of stars sparkled on the black velvet of the void.

Neither Daniel nor Henry recognized any familiar constellations in those stars. They had little interest in the sky, however. Rasim fell into his role as guide as he led them through the vibrant city. Daniel wondered how long it had taken Rasim to memorize so many complicated, twisting paths lined with such a variety of places. He was dizzy just following along. He supposed that after a thousand years in a place, even the most complicated routes became second nature. Rasim insisted that the original layout he and the other architects had planned for the first Irem were still intact.

"But the city builds on top of itself," he added mysteriously. "And the directions do not always match what they were."

Part of the city was built into and on top of a very high hill. As they climbed, they could see the titanic palaces at the farthest end of Irem's center. Given their distance, they had to be as tall as mountains. Magic must have sculpted such massive wonders, there was no possible way that the hands of man alone could build castles that dwarfed the pyramids.

"That part of the city is best left to those more familiar with arcane knowledge," Rasim said. "Even stalwart Abdul Alhazred was never the same after traveling to Elder Irem."

"Elder Irem?"

"Yes," Rasim said. "That is the heart of this city's power. We have a ways to walk uphill, so I will tell you the story."

Daniel watched the distant section of the city as they climbed uphill. Henry's arm was around his shoulder. They could afford to be so close as Irem never seemed too hot or too cold. Rasim's mellow voice dropped an octave as he related the story of Elder Irem.

"It all begins with time," Rasim said. "Time is not a straight line, as it appears to those caught up in its current. Rather, time is a spiral, throwing creation further and further out into the Void. But progress is very slow for those that live through time linearly. History repeats over and over, with only slight changes to mark progress.

"One historical cycle that oft repeats throughout human history is the destruction of knowledge. Most humans are too frightened to acknowledge the true scope of time and our humble place in it. They cling to fairy tales that life is a linear story with a beginning, middle, and a permanent end. These beliefs bring comfort and so cowardly rulers use them to extinguish the light of truth. I was born just before the start of one such age of ignorance. I had an eye for geometry and proved to be gifted in mathematics. I was fortunate enough to come from a wealthy family that fostered my education and taught me the value of independence. I fell in with a circle of other academics who shared my love of freedom and, I proudly admit, decadence. My youth was a very happy time, a golden time I would not live again until the resurrection of Irem. But I get ahead of myself.

"In my young adulthood, my circle and I witnessed history shifting. As sand falls through an hourglass, the era of enlightenment slipped through our hands. By the time that we realized what was happening, it was far too late to fight the change. The masses mistook education for frivolity, art for indulgence, and blamed all their woes on the very elite that had employed them, entertained them, and made use of their otherwise worthless lives for years. They scorned us and turned to brash, ignorant, artless leaders instead. Like so many before and after them, the people conflated simplicity with purity, dullness with morality. These leaders would work them twice as hard and for no reason other than to sate their own base greed, but the people could not see it then. They cheered these dumb leaders and chased us all out.

"Well, it is perhaps an exaggeration to say we were 'chased' out. We had long grown disenchanted with our slack-jawed citizenry, so when the tide turned we simply gave up on them. We took our knowledge, our art, and our wealth and … left. The plans had already been laid to build a city of our own. We broke ground on the ruins of another lost city, a man-cultivated oasis that we salvaged. Then we began to build.

"It sounds idealistic, but those were dark times. Our supplies ran short quickly and our gold and gems were useless so far from civilization. Many slaves deserted us (they were living slaves, we knew no better at the time). We were robbed by wandering bands of thieves. Some starved, some went mad, some took their own lives. I lost my parents, my darling baby sister, and eight cousins. We began to doubt. What good was knowledge when it died in fever-stricken brains? Why had we left? We should have thrown our wealth out to the peasants in the streets and begged to remain in the city! We even began to discuss returning home or finding another city to take residence in. We were ready to denounce everything we stood for, if we could only return to civilization.

"In our desperation, we turned to faith, just like the peasants of our city had. But ours was a faith rooted in truth, in science. We called upon the Great Old One, Hastur, as we believed the ruins upon which we were building had once been the city bearing his name. We donned our yellow robes and marked the Yellow Sign upon our foreheads at sunrise every morning. We chanted through uncounted rituals, bathed in the blood of many, many sacrifices. Construction halted. We hardly ate, hardly drank, hardly slept. The sky darkened and sandstorms lashed us with sand. Two priests were blinded by the flying sand. Our skin was raw, our mouths dry, our throats choked. This mad agony lasted—I do not remember how long. Time had ceased to exist for us."

Rasim's mirth fled as he recounted his tale. Though his expression was neutral, there was the smallest crease between his eyebrows. His eyes lifted to the stars above.

"Do not ask me to describe what happened at the end of it, for I cannot recall without touching madness," Rasim continued. "The sky was rent and Hastur appeared. I was fortunate enough to look away after a glimpse. Anyone who did not died or never spoke again. We felt the will of the Great Old One permeate our minds and bodies. The universe opened … we … spiraled … through all of eternity in the blink of an eye … The sun was yellow, so very yellow, and the sands … all that yellow … We stood in Irem and in Carcosa, on Earth and in the stars, all was one blur of—yellow!"

Rasim drew a deep breath and shut his eyes. He stopped walking for a second then forged on ahead. His mild smile returned.

"Whatever happened, we had all we needed at the end of it," Rasim said. "The city was built and soon after we raised the first pillars of the original Irem. To this day, there are fragments of … a … material … inside those pillars. Once Irem stood, pilgrims began to flock to it. We declared it a city of truth and freedom, and it shone like a beacon in those obtuse times.

"The land where Elder Irem now lies was our holy square. We built temples to the Great Old Ones and the Elder Gods. The largest temple was dedicated to our savior Hastur. We fled to that temple when the lords of the ignorant masses stormed Irem. They sacked and pillaged and raped and murdered. We had always known they would come eventually. We prayed through our rituals as we had before the city was built, in the temple of Hastur. Then the last of us died in the fire."

"You all _died_?" Daniel ejaculated. "But-but—"

"Hush, Daniel, let the man speak," Henry scolded, giving him a swat on the bottom. "Go on, Rasim."

"Thank you," Rasim smirked. "Yes, we all died, all of us. Great Hastur, the Sallow Star, reconstructed us. In turn, we reconstructed Irem. The wise men among us had grown very powerful by that time. We constructed the ring of pillars you see surrounding the city and those flanking the main roads inside it. Those great spheres atop the pillars, those are something akin to the Orbs that you know."

"Those are also Orbs?" Daniel asked. He stopped and looked down at the nearest one below the hill. "But they're so big! And they look like gold!"

"They were constructed by us and blessed by Hastur," Rasim explained. "They are nowhere near as powerful as a true Orb but they hold enough power to preserve Irem. Ever since we built the pillars and shrouded the city against time, we have remained here. Pilgrims still travel here to seek truth and freedom. Some of those pilgrims are not of Earth. In Elder Irem, those outsiders gather and roam the streets freely. They do not like to mingle with humans, you see. They fly and crawl and slither about in Elder Irem. At the great temples that you see even from here, sometimes the Elder Gods come to rest. When the Grand Temple shines with the light of a thousand suns and the city waxes golden from the light, we know that Hastur has come to visit. It is a fearful thing."

"Why?" Daniel asked. "He did save you, didn't he?"

"Yes, but the gods are arbitrary," Rasim said. "Hastur destroys as often as he builds. The city named for him fell, as did Carcosa and Aldebaran before it. Perhaps all those cities have sat upon this spot, both inside and outside of time. Irem sits here now but someday even Irem will fall by Hastur's hand. When the Yellow Sign marks the chosen and the King in Yellow comes to the city, all will be lost. Then, Great Hastur will simply wait for his next acolytes to construct his next city. So on and so on, for all time."

"You are amazingly calm about that," Daniel observed. "Doesn't that terrify you?"

"Why should it?" Rasim smiled. "Death is a part of life. The spiral would be severed if things truly lasted forever. We have had more time than most. I am only grateful."

Daniel thought all this over as they reached the summit of the hill. He gazed out at Elder Irem, wondering what sort of creatures writhed through its streets. Rasim had mentioned that beings from Alexander's world came to Irem, were some of them even now in the city? There were vague shapes and occasional flashes of lights above Elder Irem but Daniel could not make them out. Despite the shiver that ran down his spine he was sickeningly curious. He promised himself that one day he would walk the streets of Elder Irem.

They came to a tall building topped with lacy spires. The front doors were made of a rich dark brown wood that had streaks of gold running through it, like tiger's eye. Rasim raised one of the gold doorknockers and let it fall. A gong-like tone sounded throughout the house.

Daniel readjusted his new carpet bag on his shoulder. In the bag, the Orb was nestled safely in silk scarves. Daniel had to admit that he was reluctant to let the thing go. He had suffered a little to claim it but the reward of real power had been worth it. He would never forget the looks of consternation and wonder on Charles and Henry's faces when he had showed them Irem. Nor would he forget being able to bend Charles entirely to his will.

_No, that was wrong, _Daniel chided himself. _Henry thinks it's a joke but I don't. Charles really was a friend. He trusted me. Not only did I use his expedition as a means to my own interests, and doomed it, I took his very _will _away! I didn't mean to, not really, but … I can't say that I did not enjoy it. This power can do awful things. If I let it, it will turn me back into the monster I became at Brennenburg. Best to trade it away and be done with it. Yes. It's better this way._

The doors were thrown wide and they were greeted by a man wearing Roman garb. He was not very tall but his body was perfectly formed beneath his loose toga. He was olive-skinned and his black hair was a mess of soft curls. His arched black eyebrows and alert brown eyes gave his face an impish cast. He greeted Rasim with an expansive hug and then shook hands with Daniel and Henry. They were welcomed (in Latin, no less) and ushered inside.

The foyer was a relatively small space, its back doors opened onto a courtyard. Crispino led them outside to a table by a magnificent fountain. There was a small but very rich supper spread out for them, replete with several jugs of wine. The home was built around the square courtyard, a rectangle only two stories high. People went to and fro as they pleased, most wearing Roman fashion. On the other side of the courtyard a group of women dined and talked animatedly. Children were playing with sparklers by a dignified hedge sculpture. The lively scene made Daniel realize that Rasim's mansion had been empty save for their host and his mummified slaves. He made a mental note to inquire about that later.

"So, my old friend Octavius sent you?" Crispino asked. "What did you say he calls himself these days?"

"Octavio Winslow Paternoster."

"Ridiculous!" laughed Crispino. "The man should have been an actor! He stays in the mundane world only to go from one persona to the next. And he tells me that I am stuck in the past! Of course I am! What is wrong with that? Our days in the Empire were glorious."

Crispino had a hard, curt manner of pronouncing consonants. Like Rasim, his English was perfect. Daniel figured that being stuck in a city beyond time for hundreds of years allowed one to learn plenty of languages fluently.

"I have a message for you from Octavio—Octavius? Well, from Mr. Paternoster."

Daniel took the scroll from his bag and handed it over. Crispino took it and broke the wax seal. He leaned back in his chair to read while he drank deeply from his cup of wine. He was laughing again by the time he finished reading. He shook his head and finished his wine in one long gulp. A beautiful female servant appeared out of nowhere and refilled it.

"You are to be congratulated," Crispino told Daniel, raising his cup to him. "From what I hear, a good deal of time has passed since Octavius last had an apprentice."

"What?"

"Octavius writes that if you succeed in reaching Irem, then he plans to make you his apprentice," Crispino said. "Seeing as how you are here, I think you should celebrate! Octavius may be too enamoured with the mundane realm for my taste but he is a wise, talented man. I could never survive in that world of easy death and drudgery! He is very powerful and will make a good master for you."

"I don't know what to say," Daniel said. "Everything is happening so quickly. My head is spinning."

"Drink this and it will spin back into place!"

Daniel took the proffered glass and drank. The wine was exceptionally potent and compellingly sweet. The shock ebbed away but his mind still whirled. An apprentice to Paternoster? What would that entail? Why him? There were scores of men in the Sol Invictus Mithras, more than one hundred in England alone! Out of all of them, why would Paternoster choose Daniel?

_Well, why _not _me? _Daniel told himself. _None of those men have faced anything as frightening or dangerous as the Shadow. None of those men survived Brennenburg and Alexander's schemes. Paternoster expected me to die when he used me to lure Alexander back into being, but I didn't die. Perhaps that was when he took notice of me. As Henry said, I have proven to be difficult to kill. If I sit back and think about it, it is amazing how much I have survived. Not only survived but I still want power. If I'm honest, I still absolutely want to master these dark arts. Nothing else in the world makes me feel so complete, not even archaeology._

"In that case, I look forward to returning to London," Daniel said. "As much as I have enjoyed this city, now I have another reason to go back."

"You are young, you have time to flow with time," Crispino said. "I am quite interested in why Octavius may have chosen you, however. Why don't you tell me about yourself?"

"It's really a long story."

"The night, too, is young."

Daniel drank more of the fortified wine quickly. His mind cleared and he began his tale. For the first time ever, he sanitized the story. He never actually lied but he omitted the details of his personal suffering. He was calm and factual, he even managed to make a few quips. Henry sat back in his chair, listening to him with a bemused smile and his arms crossed. _He didn't even mention how many times I spanked him trying to keep him away from the Sol Invictus, _Henry thought. _All this attention is going to his head._

"What a story!" Crispino said approvingly. "It is impressive that a mundane man, as you were prior to finding the Orb, managed to survive one of the Axrrurzhvar."

"What is that?"

"That is what Alexander von Brennenburg truly was," Rasim chimed in. "There are some in Elder Irem flying around even now, and probably a few in Irem proper in human guise. They are so very proud of their shape-shifting. I had an argument with one once after telling him the human form is not very complicated at all, even a Vhelk'har could do it."

"Alexander couldn't change form, though."

"I expect he was locked into human form as a punishment for his crimes, whatever they were," Rasim said. "These alien beings never think highly of our species."

"They have no sense of aesthetic whatsoever," Crispino scoffed. "Four limbs and a straight torso are far preferable to a multitude of tentacles mounted on a barrel! All slime and orifices, those things."

_Perhaps I won't visit Elder Irem after all, _Daniel thought nervously. _It is one thing to talk of monsters and another to behold them with one's own eyes._

Daniel began to feel insecure about his future as a sorcerer's apprentice. He was drinking steadily now. Henry sensed he was anxious and patted his knee under the table.

"Mr. Heius—"

"Please, call me 'Crispino'. Any friend of Octavius's is a friend of mine."

"Oh, yes. Well, Crispino, did Mr. Paternoster mention the other business I came to handle for him?"

"Yes, he did." Crispino's eyes glinted. "Very thoughtful of him, to send an Orb my way. But he did not say what he wanted in return. I hope the price is not too high. But first, the Orb! Let me see it."

Daniel removed the stone sphere from his bag and unwrapped it. It glowed dimly green against the black paisley scarves. Crispino's face took on a hungry cast. He reached out to touch it then withdrew his fingers.

"I never could understand how the blind idiot god's power could crystallize in such perfect structures," Crispino said. "The whole of creation is a paradox. So, Daniel, what does Octavius want for this?"

"I'll have to whisper it to you."

"Go on."

Daniel wrapped the orb and returned it to his bag. Dizziness hit him as he stood and he had to grasp the table to stay upright. Crispino laughed, informing him he had been drinking the fortified wine all along without noticing it. Daniel made his way around the table to him unsteadily and leaned down to bring his mouth to the man's ear. He whispered what Paternoster had told him to. Crispino's dark eyes widened.

"Ohhh that sly hawk," he groaned. He chuckled. "I should have known."

Daniel returned to his seat with effort. He found a jug of water and poured some. It did nothing to ease his intoxication.

"I will have to think about Octavius's offer," Crispino said. "Why don't you two continue to enjoy the fruits of Irem tonight? We will meet tomorrow, say at the Heretic's Arena? Rasim will show you the way, he loves nothing more than to guide newcomers through all the circles of Irem."

Rasim nodded and it was agreed. Crispino clapped his hands together once.

"Now that business is over, let us join the ladies for pleasure!" he declared. "My wife and I were just going to the theater. There is a new version of 'The King in Yellow' being performed tonight!"

Rasim gave a short incredulous laugh. Henry thought he detected a hint of anxiety in the sound. _So, he fears the downfall of Irem after all, _he thought. _It must strike him as an ill omen to have the city's doom come up twice on the same night._

Henry had to offer Daniel an arm to keep him steady. They crossed the spacious courtyard to where the women were sitting. Crispino introduced his wife, a statuesque woman with a proud smile. They were joined by young adults and a few teenagers. When everyone was ready they left Crispino's home.

"Do you want to pick up companionship at the pleasure houses on the way?" Crispino asked the guests. "Some women? Men?"

"No thanks," Daniel said. "We're, er, together."

"That didn't stop you in the bath," Henry said under his breath. To Crispino, he said, "Not tonight. We're a little overwhelmed by everything still."

"I wish that I were still capable of being overwhelmed!" Crispino laughed. "That is one thing immortality steals from you. I fear that only death is capable of surprising me now."

"How long have you been here?"

"According to the World Whisperers, nearly as long as Rasim."

"Rasim has mentioned these 'World Whisperers' before," Daniel said. "Who or what are they?"

"They are those that have chosen to ascend to a non-corporeal state," Rasim said. "They are free to come and go from the city as they please. Most of these people have chosen this existence because they enjoy watching the two realms. Given their vast knowledge of the realm of time and the realms outside time, we often defer to them to keep track of events outside the city."

"Like about what's popular or new inventions?"

"Well, yes, but we usually have more interest in what wars are being fought, what countries are being resettled, that sort of thing."

"Speak for yourself," Crispino told Rasim. "My only interest is in my bloodline. I have volumes of books detailing the Heius line through all its branches. Sadly, there have been few great men since me, but there are some promising youths I have my eye on in Rome currently. Hopefully one of them makes something grand of himself. Of course, the name has long since been abandoned. A travesty! The mundane world has no pride in history! I often wish to forget about that realm altogether."

"He always says this but then before you know it, he's buying knowledge from the Whisperers again," Claudia Heius, his wife, said. "You cannot help it, Crispino. Just admit it."

"I am a slave to curiosity," Crispino allowed. "It will pay off someday. One of our descendants will make us proud."

Claudia rolled her eyes, kissing his cheek to soften her cynicism. Daniel had expected to climb down the hill back to the city but they continued upwards. He grew dizzy as it inclined sharply and his gaze was enraptured by the strange stars. Henry's grip on his arm tightened to keep him upright. They fell a little ways behind the group.

"To think this city, these people, have been out here all this time," Daniel said. "Before we were born, before our parents were born, these people were still here. Living! My God, archeology is so stupid! Ha ha! What fools we must look to these people, chasing after potsherds and ruined statues! True history has been preserved throughout all these generations, and it is all right here! Isn't that incredible?"

Henry murmured in agreement. Daniel babbled on drunkenly until they came to the theater. It was a stately building at the very top of the hill, a pillar on either side. Actors in unitards greeted the guests, their white porcelain masks smiling or laughing. Great bonfires lit the pathway, the flames unnaturally yellow.

Inside the air was cool. Crispino led the group through the foyer where patrons were buying wine or trinkets. They were seated in a private box on the open second floor of the theater. There was no railing at all, only a clear open view onto the stage below. Instead of chairs, they were seated on velvet cushions on the floor. A tray of hors d'oeuvres was set out in front of the group, as well as bottles of wine. Daniel had had enough to drink so he settled in beside Henry. Most people had brought a partner or three to bundle together with.

"I never cared for the theater," Daniel said, "but I could get used to this."

"So could I," Henry grinned. "I can only imagine how wonderful viewing an erotic drama would be in this theater."

Eventually the lights were dimmed and the audience was transported to lovely, lost Carcosa. Although the language was one unfamiliar to Daniel and Henry, they were able to follow the words through the program pamphlets. At times they felt they did not even need to read the words, the meaning of the play came through clearly. Daniel wondered if there was some enchantment in effect. His questions dissolved as the first song soared through the theater. By its end, both he and Henry were lost.

_Along the shore the cloud waves break,_

_The twin suns sink beneath the lake,_

_The shadows lengthen_

_In Carcosa._

_Strange is the night where black stars rise,_

_And strange moons circle through the skies_

_But stranger still is_

_Lost Carcosa._

_Songs that the Hyades shall sing,_

_Where flap the tatters of the King,_

_Must die unheard in_

_Dim Carcosa._

_Song of my soul, my voice is dead;_

_Die thou, unsung, as tears unshed_

_Shall dry and die in_

_Lost Carcosa._

* * *

The play was so heart-wrenching, so beautiful, and so terrible that it moved Henry nearly to tears. Daniel clung to him tightly during several acts, even burrowed his face in his shirt when the city fell. The play was applauded raucously at the conclusion. Some cast members were still wiping tears from their eyes when they took their final bow.

Henry and Daniel discussed the play with the others throughout the walk back down the hill. They parted ways with Crispino and his people at his door, then continued on to Rasim's manor below the hill. Rasim offered a carriage or any beast they may like to ride, but the play had enlivened the two men. They practically floated through the city, heads filled with dreams of yet another magical place.

To their surprise, Charles had returned to Rasim's property. He was sitting by the gates, head bowed over his knee, dozing. Henry nudged him with his foot until he woke up. Charles stood up unsteadily. His eyes were bleary and his face was slack.

"You could have gone inside," Rasim said. "The gate will open for guests."

"Wasn't 'bout to chance it with those panthers." Charles's voice was slurred. "_I'm _the hunter, I hunt them, they don't, don't hunt me."

Rasim did not bother to respond. He opened the gates and waved them all through. Charles staggered along. He was so drunk that he made Daniel seem sober. His clothes stank of opium.

"Have you been enjoying our city?" Rasim asked.

"No! Yes," Charles said. "S'beautiful, so bloody beautiful it's awful. Shinners paradishe. Ecstasy of thorns. I bloody … hate to love it … "

"That is because you are still fighting against freedom," Rasim said. "If you embrace it honestly, this city will give you everything you desire."

"So will the Devil," Charles said. "Iss that what you are, eh? The Devil in dishguise? Or maybe it's you, Daniel. You led ush here, ahfter all."

Daniel sighed wearily. He tried to ignore him but Charles stumbled around to face him. Rasim also stopped, watching with narrowed eyes. Charles tapped Daniel's chest aggressively.

"You and that goddamned stone!" Charles said. "Pretending to be my friend all these years. Maybe it's you, maybe you're the Devil. Hm? So which ish it, eh? The dirty Arab or the filthy sod?"

Henry pushed him out of the way. Charles ran in front of them again, blocking their path. Henry's fists curled.

"Move," he seethed. "I won't have tonight ruined by you, you witless, spineless dolt."

"Or maybe it's you," Charles said. "Yer more beasht than man, aren't you? All you need is a pair of horns. S'it you, Bedloe? Or ish it all o' you? Every single bloody heathen in this fucking city!"

Rasim grabbed him by the front of his shirt and shook him.

"Irem embraces those that embrace it," he said, "but it is not merciful to those who rejects its gifts. I advise you to reflect upon that before passing judgment here."

"You should've burned ages ago."

"_I did_," Rasim grinned. "So will you if you continue to reject our Irem. Your false god will not save you. There are only the Great Old Ones here and they are everywhere. This city is one of their open eyes and they watch. They are watching now from the stars."

"Queer bloody stars," Charles spat. "They aren't right. Can't e'en … chart by 'em. Even the fucking stars are wrong!"

"Be quiet!" Rasim flung the man to the ground with a flick of the arm. "You are what is wrong. Have a care to leave this place before the city decides to turn you out or worse."

Charles got to his feet with a hand on the gun holstered at his hip. The two panthers melted out of the garden foliage, their eyes flashing in the lantern light. Charles let his hand drop. Rasim turned on his heel and strode into his mansion. Daniel shied away from the white panther as it licked its chops.

"I've died and gone to Hell," Charles muttered. "That's got to be it."

"I assure you, there are no pleasure houses in Hell," Rasim called. "From the smell of you, you haven't exactly been suffering."

They made their way into the mansion, thankfully shutting the panthers outside. Rasim gave them his almost-half-bow and said that he was retiring for the night. If they needed anything, they need only ring the bell cords in their rooms to summon a slave. Daniel and Henry thanked him for his hospitality again and bid him goodnight.

"You're going to get yourself killed, Ledford," Henry said placidly. "You realize that, don't you?"

"I am dead," Charles said. "Dead 'n in Hell."

"Charles, we're leaving in a few days," Daniel told him. "We're not staying here. We'll be back in London before you know it."

"Go back? Go back to what!" Charles shouted. "The expedition was lost! I'm a bloody failure! Do you know how much money goes into every single expedition the British Museum funds? Have you any idea of the trust they put in me? How can I even fucking look them in the eye now? Tell, Daniel, how can I?"

"Mr. Paternoster helped fund the trip," Daniel said. "He will be pleased."

"The Devil take Paternoster along with the rest of you!"

Charles's scream echoed throughout the cavernous foyer. The light did not reach the ceiling where the ignorant faces leered but Daniel was aware of them. He reached out to Charles but his hand was hit away.

"Don't you bloody touch me," Charles hissed. "Not after … Just stay the hell away from me, Daniel."

"Charles, I am sorry," Daniel said. "What else can I do or say? Those Orbs, their power is insidious. I never meant to hurt you."

"I'm not hurt, only disgusted."

Daniel bit his bottom lip, chewing it. Henry stepped before him.

"That's enough, man," he said gravely. "Like it or not, this is a city of freedom, isn't it? So you're free to go on doing whatever you want. Only leave us out of it. Come, Daniel, let's go to bed."

Daniel hesitated to leave his former friend alone in such a state. Henry took him by the shoulders and forced him along. As they climbed the stairs, Daniel took one last look down at Charles. He seemed very small in the middle of the sprawling exotic foyer, unrecognizably insignificant. It was difficult to see the man he had spent years alternately being jealous of and admiring so defeated.

They returned to their shared room and locked the doors shut behind themselves.

"I've really done wrong by him," Daniel said. "If I'm honest, I'm not sure I didn't mean to. You know how jealous of him I've always been. Do you think I've destroyed him on purpose?"

"Who cares?" Henry shrugged. "He is a small-minded little man whose ego was not as robust as he thought. Never mind Charles Ledford. Why waste time on a man like that in a place like this?"

Henry slipped an arm around Daniel's trim waist and pulled him into a smoldering kiss.

"Mm—but—but he was my friend and I—ah—betrayed him."

"Oh for heaven's sake!" Henry laughed. "If you feel that guilty, I'll spank you for it. How about that?"

"Well, I … I am still rather sore."

"Then let it go and take this thing off, damn you!"

Henry yanked the caftan over Daniel's head and tossed it on the floor. Daniel's obligation to his friend receded from his mind as he was thrown over the nearest piece of furniture. Henry stripped his own clothing off and leaned far over Daniel. He murmured quotes from the play into his ear and Daniel shuddered with delight.

"And history is but a mask for the degradation of beauty, so saith the sultan in sallow robes that walked the star-blighted streets of Carcosa."

Henry kissed Daniel full on the mouth and thrust into him. The young man cried out eagerly, gripping his hand in his own. His guilt melted away like dew in the sunlight.


	9. Chapter 9

**9**

The sun rose upon Irem and set the golden orbs atop its pillars ablaze. Some were waking, some were just going to sleep. In a timeless city, day and night were relegated to mere backdrops. Only when certain constellations had to be called to or the sun or moon were needed for ritual did anyone plan their activities by the sky.

Daniel woke up reluctantly. He would have been content to lounge in bed with Henry all day had his stomach not started growling. The two men went to the bath to rinse off in the showers, then found the dining room. They were not surprised to find Rasim already there and the table offering a spread of fruit, pastries, and other light breakfast foods. Despite the grandiose meals of yesterday, Daniel was starving again. He tucked into the meal happily a moment after sitting down.

Halfway through the meal, Charles came to the table and sat down. He was pale and drawn, a little sheepish. When Rasim did not protest his presence, he reluctantly served himself some food.

"I apologize for my behavior last night," Charles told Rasim grudgingly. "I'm not normally one to spit on the customs of others, no matter how … exotic. You've been a gracious host and I am sorry for disrespecting you."

"I accept," Rasim said curtly. "I understand that it can be difficult for some to reconcile themselves to the surfeit of pleasures in Irem."

"Yes," Charles agreed. His gaze turned to Daniel and a spark of his old anger kindled in his golden-brown eyes. "Besides, I don't think that I was in my right mind."

"Let it go, man, he's already apologized," Henry said. "All you did was grope him a bit, anyway."

"And I trust our pleasure houses more than made up for your discomfort about it," Rasim said. "So, with all the unpleasantness behind us, let us all enjoy the day. If we go by foot, we should arrive at the Heretic's Arena in time to meet Crispino there before the games. It would be best if we all went together. I assure you, Mr. Ledford, the games are not to be missed."

Charles muttered something in agreement. They lingered over breakfast for a while making conversation—save for the churlish Charles. Daniel tried to get information about the Heretic's Arena but Rasim insisted it would be better to experience it all at once in person.

The rest of the morning was idled away on their walk to the Arena. They passed through a huge market square where people bartered and traded. Rasim explained that currency in Irem was only used for small trinkets and necessities. Iremian currency was called 'din': plain palm-sized solid gold tokens engraved in the center with Hastur's Temple flanked by two pillars. When purchasing valuable items, the plain side of the din would magically become engraved with symbols representing whatever the purchaser promised the seller, thus becoming a contract. People traded with anything another might find valuable but knowledge was considered the most precious commodity of all in Irem. Free as Irem was, no one was required to share knowledge, and most guarded their secrets dearly. Those in Irem who served were often fulfilling a contract in exchange for knowledge they had bought, commonly knowledge of a spell. The sorcerers in their great estates on the border between Irem and Elder Irem had a constantly rotating staff of those who paid for their arcane knowledge.

"How does one get plain din in the first place?" Daniel asked.

"All gold can be exchanged for din," Rasim said. "If one has power, they can be paid for their services by those who have no magical ability or knowledge. If one has knowledge, they may sell it. Those blessed with the gift of creation sell their art, music, and so forth, though competition is fairly fierce; this city has works from all the masters of history, but we are always seeking new talent, new ways that people express their visions."

"Or fuck," Charles interjected. "No, no, I don't mean any disrespect. But I did see people exchanging din at the pleasure houses."

"How did you afford it, then?" Daniel asked.

"I didn't pay, there was an exchange," Charles said. He rubbed the back of his neck, staring at the ground. "Sex for sex, you know. The special services cost din, that's all. The opium cost nothing, can you imagine it? It was served with the company, like water at a restaurant."

"Sex is the cheapest commodity here," Rasim said. "Who can withhold it? No one, so why bother trying? As for the opium, it is grown in the farming district by nonliving slaves, along with many other beneficial plants. What earthly goods we still have desire for, we manufacture by magic without cost. It was not always this way but eventually systems were worked out, generosity won, and the plants and the alcohol poured into the city. That occasionally attracts the wrong sort of pilgrim to the city, but we know how to deal with opportunists."

They took a path from the bazaar that led into a wide-open field. They could see farms in the distance on either side. Soon the Arena loomed up on the horizon. It resembled a Roman coliseum, which made sense once Rasim explained their first Roman citizens had come up with the idea. Crispino and Octavius had been two of that original group, exiled for the beliefs of the Sol Invictus Mithras.

They met Crispino within the massive walls of the coliseum. He had his wife and a group of others with him. He greeted them all in his usual warm fashion. He wore a gold wreath crown on his head and his toga was crimson edged in gold trim. They talked and ate some kebabs being offered while making their way to the seats.

"This is my offering to Irem, my legacy," Crispino said proudly. "Welcome to the Heretic's Arena, friends!"

"If everyone is free in Irem, how are there heretics?" Daniel asked.

They sat down in a row of seats that gave a full view of the arena below. The pit was filled with fresh white sand. There were heavy gates situated around the open space below.

"That is the continuation of the story of Irem's founding that I began the other day," Rasim said. "We escaped the ignorant hordes through death and rebirth, then Irem was hidden away from the realm of time. But fate is as capricious as the gods. Irem slips in and out of the world of time, and sometimes pilgrims stumble upon it. Many who are blessed this way choose to stay, but not all are able to handle this city's gifts. For one reason or another, some spurn Irem."

Henry noted Rasim's eyes flick briefly to Charles.

"Eventually word reached the unwise men whose fathers still remembered the sacking of the original Irem," Rasim said. "They gathered small armies to come find Irem if it still existed, and occasionally a band would chance upon the city. Of course these people had no chance of defeating our sorcerers and warriors. We let those who would accept our ways stay and dispatched with the rest. In jest, we called those who would not accept our ways 'heretics', as they would call us in their homelands. From then on, it was agreed that all such heretics would be put to death in our city. This is Irem's one universal law, you could say. I see the doubts in your eyes. Do not worry, we have ways of divulging the absolute truth from people. No one is put to death unless we have seen the unwavering need to destroy Irem in their hearts. We cannot allow them to leave, for they would only continue the tradition of poisoning others against us. As it is, there are whole cults and organizations dedicated to the fall of our city. We must set an example."

"But such dull examples Irem would set, before we Romans came here," Crispino cut in. "You academics and sorcerers had grown soft, Rasim."

"We never had much appetite for bloodshed," Rasim pointed out. "That is why we left our homeland instead of fighting our oppressors."

"In any case, I was the one who suggested we make use of those who trespassed against Irem," Crispino said. "Octavius, I, and a few others of our group laid the plans to build this coliseum for the purpose. Since then, Irem's would-be invaders are brought here to face their justice. That is why it is called the Heretic's Arena."

Charles opened his mouth then shut it. He licked his lips and swallowed. He was keenly aware of Rasim's obsidian gaze on him. _This is an execution ground, _he thought. _These are the same Romans that fed Christians to lions. My God … if I hadn't apologized, I might be down there right now. There is no fighting against this place. I have to bear it. I just have to bear it until I can escape this sinner's paradise. I knew that I would pay for my sins someday … Oh, why did I let myself fall to temptation so often? Why did I let barbarian ways and heathen bodies taint me? God, please, please forgive me, forgive me and give me strength._

Daniel was also having doubts about the entertainment. He went to say something but Henry squeezed his hand suddenly. He looked around at Henry and Henry shook his head very slightly. Daniel took his point. It would be the height of rudeness to refuse to witness Crispino's favored event. Daniel did not think it was coincidence that Crispino still had not given him an answer about Paternoster's offered trade.

A podium was set at the front center of the highest tier of seating. The host of the games ascended the steps to it. When he spoke, his voice was magnified enough to fill the entire coliseum. He welcomed and hushed everyone in Latin. When it was quiet, he raised his arms and lowered them.

Clinking metal could be heard faintly as the iron gates encircling the pit opened. The group escorted into the pit were all male. Two were in vestments and the other seven were wearing armor, the breastplates emblazoned with crosses.

"Who would have thought Rome would fall to the Christians," Crispino sneered. He spat on the ground. "To forsake our gods of life, love, and wealth for a simpleton's promise of peace—a travesty! But not here, not in Irem."

"What will happen to them?" Daniel asked.

"Today?" Crispino thought. "Hmm, I believe _damnatio ad bestias _is the scheduled entertainment for this group. Ha! But it will be a thing worse than lions. Although I do have a soft spot for lions. I keep them as pets from time to time."

"Hush," Claudia said. "They are reading the charges. Look how indignant they are! Ha ha ha! I love to see that impotent righteous fury!"

Daniel drew a deep breath. Images of his father flashed through his mind, berating him for his weakness, saying he was a failure in the eyes of God. Daniel never knew why he was such an abomination to his father. In retrospect, he wondered if his father had sensed that he was destined to be a lover of men. His father had been strict even with Hazel, a frail girl, but he had despised Daniel. Their mother was no better, believing her weak son and ill daughter's problems were their own faults; they were born sinners, that was why God had blighted them. The righteous fury Daniel faced back then had never been impotent.

_I don't even remember the prayers I was forced to recite every night, _Daniel thought. _I remember being on my knees with my entire back aching and bleeding, sometimes a bone fractured, being forced to pray over and over. I forgot those prayers after drinking the amnesia mixture … I suppose I never had any need to relearn them. And now no one will ever force me to learn them again. My father is dead. Henry killed him for me. That's right … We're no better than this. We never were, I think. It would be a lie to say we are nothing like these people of Irem, especially me. And Irem hates lies … _

One of the armored men broke from the group. He had untied his bonds and produced a dagger from somewhere. He attacked the guards as the audience laughed. The host of the games made a remark in Latin that Daniel could tell was snide. More laughter. The guard easily brushed the attack off and brought the man to his knees. The host asked the audience a question and responses in varying languages called back.

"Such bravery will be rewarded," Crispino explained drolly. "He'll be armed to fight the beasts! Perhaps his God will save him!"

"There's no God in this place," Charles muttered under his breath.

The confused soldier was lifted to his feet and brushed off. The other guards held him in a ring of spears while he was handed a sword and shield. He looked for an opening in their defense but found none. Daniel could tell he was gathering his courage as he took a firm grip on the sword handle and balanced the shield on his arm. His mouth was moving, doubtless uttering a silent prayer.

The largest iron gates beneath the host's podium clanked open. As a great tarp-covered cage was wheeled on a cart, a ring of shimmering air appeared in the center of the pit. The holy soldier was prodded and pushed past what appeared to be heat shimmer, then the guards backed away. He turned to attack them but he could not pass the rippling air. The crowd laughed as he swung his sword and kicked at the nigh invisible barrier to no avail.

The tarp covering the cage bulged and flapped. A strange piping sound came from it, an off-kilter drone that grated on the nerves. Daniel could tell it was organic, half-sentient, but it sounded like no animal of Earth. The cage was wheeled into the barrier, which wavered momentarily before resealing. The soldier stepped back warily, lifting his sword and shield. From outside the barrier, the guards pulled back the tarp.

"Oh," Daniel gasped. "Oh. Ohhh my … oh my god … "

Daniel clung to Henry's arm. Henry's eyebrows were high on his forehead and he uttered a swear. Daniel was amazed that no one else was as shocked or horrified as he was. The thing in the cage was a monstrosity unlike anything he had ever seen before! Even the shambling things of Brennenburg paled in comparison to the writhing, amorphous thing in the cage. Eyes, mouths, limbs, tentacles, its glutinous black body shifted from one configuration to the next arbitrarily. It slopped around in the cage like a glob of excrement, piping away.

Henry put an arm around Daniel, who buried his face in his shirt. Crispino laughed.

"First time seeing a shoggoth, is it?" he asked. "Even I was surprised my first time."

"Surprised?" Claudia teased. "You fainted!"

"I was a soldier of Rome! I did not faint!"

"He fainted," Claudia said with finality. "Do not look away, young man. The mind will turn the thing into more of a nightmare when you're not looking. Let it seep into your brain and you will be able to accept it. Just glimpses at a time."

Daniel took her advice, doing his best to remember to breathe. It was painful to even glimpse the thing, every look sent a jolt through his brain. Something like this should not exist. If the universe were sane, it _would not _exist. The final doubts Daniel had about the truths Irem and the Sol Invictus Mithras were built upon crumbled. All of creation was the chaotic dream of a blind, idiot god and they had no choice but to dance to Azathoth's tune.

Daniel looked away and noticed Charles. He was sitting stock still, his face a mask, his eyes worryingly empty. He looked like he had been stricken dumb. Daniel was about to shake him out of it when there was a clamor down below.

The guards outside the barrier pulled two ropes and the cage door was hefted open. The soldier inside the enchanted circle raised his sword and shield only to let them fall again. He went through this motion several times, his mouth working soundlessly. An enormous eye formed on the shoggoth's body and swiveled to behold the man. He looked like a toy knight beside the thing. He let his weapons fell to the sand and began screaming. This excited the shoggoth's attention. It lurched out of the cage and slid into the sand, its piping trills growing wilder.

Daniel sank into Henry's side. Rasim held his face by the chin before he could look away.

"No, no, no, little sorcerer," he said. "Watch. Watch everything. Did you think our great freedom came at no cost? This is the cost. You must watch if you are ever to accept Irem enough to return."

In that moment, Daniel was not sure he wanted to return. He nodded and Rasim released his face. Henry hugged him close to his side. Daniel studied his face, wondering if he was also terrified. How could he not be? Henry's brow was furrowed deeply but there was also curiosity on his face. Daniel thought he might be studying the accursed thing.

The shoggoth gave a cry that echoed like a fog horn. Even the hardened audience cringed, some covering their ears. It loped towards the soldier on newly-formed tentacles, disturbingly human-like arms reaching out towards the man. He was hysterical now, his cries nearly as shrill as the shoggoth's. The shoggoth's eyes, opening and closing, forming and reforming, studied him. Then it began to mimic the pitch and cadence of his screams in its own fluting 'voice'. The mockery sent a chill down Daniel's spine. The shoggoth was just sentient enough to be cruel.

A tentacle encircled the soldier's waist and he was lifted off the ground. The shoggoth brought him up to its largest eye and turned him around. A mouth formed and—ate—one of his legs. The soldier screamed, blood gushing from him to stain the white sand. Daniel trembled uncontrollably from the effort not to turn away.

_I remember screams like that. I remember so well. I wish I didn't. I wish I couldn't. But I do. I made men … scream like that. Women, too. I … Oh, god, I remember._

Daniel felt his fragile tether to sanity fraying dangerously. The shoggoth swayed and lurched on the sand. Its piping mimicked every note of the scream. Beneath the screams and the wild cheers of the audience, Daniel realized Rasim was speaking into his ear. His smooth, cultured voice was as hypnotic and seductive as a prayer.

"You will not be lied to here the way you were at Brennenburg," he said. "These men truly do deserve their fate. They have slaughtered innocents in the name of the cross without a thought, raped and tortured, maimed and enslaved. What do you think such upright men would do to you and your lover?"

"B-but Alexander said the same … he said the same … "

"He lied, but I never lie," Rasim said. "I built this city. I starved and prayed and burned for this city. That is why I was chosen to guide newcomers, I believe, because I know what this city is. I know its true heart and I don't shy from it. I see much potential in you, little sorcerer. Don't you shy away from Irem, not now."

The shoggoth tore into the soldier's other leg. A tentacle wrapped around him like a snake, squeezing him tight enough to break bones. The cries were beginning to weaken.

"Those would be your screams, if this were anywhere but Irem," Rasim went on. "To them, you are less than human, no better than that shoggoth. You are heretics to them, as we are heretics, as all who value themselves and their freedom and their truths are heretics. But so-called abominations thrive here. We will always win. They will always die."

Henry was holding Daniel's right hand, now Rasim gripped his left.

"Your lover executed your father for your sake," Rasim said. "Did you pity him? Mourn him?"

"No."

"How did you feel?"

"I felt—I felt elated."

"Try to remember that, because those men down there are the kinds of sons your father would have been proud to have."

The words echoed in Daniel's mind, distracting him from his fear. More memories chased out by suppression or the amnesia drink darted through his mind. The boys he saw every Sunday at church acting reverent, now chasing him through the streets taunting him, harassing him, egging Henry on when he beat him, egging him on when he beat Henry. The early private prayers for an end to pain that were never answered. The realization, locked in the dark cellar, that God's light would never save him.

_I remember … _

_Yes, I knew it then. How could I have forgotten? I knew just then that I would always be locked away in the darkness by the world. I still did not know why but I just knew it. I spent the rest of the my life fighting against it until the Orb set me free. _

_I remember … _

Daniel pictured his father down there being ripped apart by the shoggoth. He was unaware of it but his lips had curled into a faint smile. As his horror faded, he noticed that Henry's embrace was tighter. His hand stroked Daniel's arm. Through the light caftan, Daniel could plainly see his erection.

_So I'm not the only one, then, _Daniel thought. _That's right, he told me once that his mother was also religiously judgmental. His father was, well, the way we are. She condemned him for a sodomite before he even knew that he was one. It's petty and vicious but … this small bit of vengeance on the whole organization, it … it does feel … good. It's awful and we're awful … but … No, I feel it now. Gratification. The same thing I felt in Brennenburg, when I thought I was torturing criminals._

"Swear it."

Rasim raised an eyebrow at Daniel. Daniel parted from Henry to take Rasim's hands in his own. Henry was so enraptured by the spectacle that he hardly noticed.

"Swear to me," Daniel pleaded. "Swear to me that those men have done all you said. Swear to me that you're not lying. I can't be lied to again that way. Please, I need you to swear that you are being honest about them."

Rasim smiled warmly. He reached into the pouch tied on his belt and held up a din. He spoke some words and the plain side was engraved with symbols. He put it in Daniel's palm.

"There, have that, little sorcerer," he said. "That is my debt of truth to you, a binding contract I cannot break. Ask anyone in Irem to translate it for you if you do not trust me. Even Octavius knows how to read those symbols, you ask him when you get back to London. That is my oath."

Daniel searched Rasim's black eyes. There was no reason for someone beyond desire and vulnerability to lie. Despite his great love for Irem, Rasim did not hide its darker side from them. Daniel decided he could trust him.

"Thank you."

Down below, the screams were strangled. Daniel looked down just in time to see the soldier bitten in half, then fully devoured by the shoggoth. The mass shivered as it digested him in whatever passed for organs in that amorphous mess. Daniel shuddered.

"It's still grisly business, though," he said. "I don't think I can get used to it just yet."

Rasim laughed. Daniel managed a small chuckle. _This is crazy. I feel like I'm still drunk. No. No, I can't excuse it away as out of character. This _**_is _**_my character. I've spent my life splitting myself in two: the wholesome archaeologist and the butcher I became at Brennenburg. I was so unwilling to face my darkest nature that I blasted away all my memories! But I remember everything now. Both those men are me. _

_But what do I do with this knowledge? Would that I could remain in Irem and learn more from Rasim, he's so wise. I trust him more than I trust Paternoster. If only we could stay … But I have an obligation to Charles, and I could never leave Hazel for so long. _

_Hazel, oh, if Hazel knew what kind of a man I am … But I am only half a monster, aren't I? Surely a full monster would never be capable of the pure love I feel for my dear sister. I am the butcher of Brennenburg, but I am also the same Daniel I have always been. It's difficult to hold two conflicting sides of myself together, no wonder I've gone mad at times! But I will do it. Knowing the truth will make it possible. It must._

Down below, the rest of the crusaders were led into the barricaded ring. The shoggoth's myriad eyes rolled in temporary sockets to watch them. They begged and pleaded with the apathetic guards and their inattentive God. Mercy never came for them, as it never came for those they had branded heretics. Irem was not righteous, but its citizens were pleased by the bloodshed all the same.

"I'm going to be sick."

Daniel remembered Charles and looked over at him. He had a hand clapped over his mouth, his golden brown eyes two huge orbs above his fingers. His other arm was tightly wound across his stomach.

"I just can't," he said. "I have to … I'm ill. I just can't!"

He got to his feet and ran down from the seats. Daniel gazed listlessly back at the carnage below. He knew that he should be equally nauseated but the feeling would not come. Incense was being burned to mask the scent of gore. Even if it had not been, he would not be ill. He had grown too accustomed to those odors at Brennenburg.

_What am I? _Who_ am I, that I wonder more about myself than about those men dying down there … _

Daniel searched himself but he found no sympathy. Here in this place of no pretenses, he could not even muster the ability to lie to himself about it. He felt only mild grief for himself, for his old naive self, his old guise of innocence. At the same time, he was relieved. He would not go out of his way to do harm, he promised himself, but nor would he suffer over the cruelties of the world. Perhaps someday he would even accept the cruelties of Irem. Not today, but someday …

Someday, perhaps, he would come here to live in free, ancient, terrible, beautiful Irem.

* * *

"May I see the thing?"

"Oh, Henry, _no_!"

Crispino laughed. Daniel blushed, cursing himself. He had sounded like his old childish self, but he couldn't help it. His mind was still reeling and he was a confusion of nerves and adrenaline. Throwing off his old personality was going to be more difficult than he had expected. Henry read his miserable expression and patted a hand down atop his head, ruffling his hair a little.

"You don't have to come," Henry said. "That is, if it is at all possible. I've never dreamed of such an awful organism. The potential is has, though. Surely, it has been studied?"

"The race that created the things is long since extinct, by the hand—or whatever—of the shoggoths themselves," Rasim explained. "Their creation remains a mystery. No one has been able to do more than harness the weaker specimens, such as the one we just saw."

"Weaker?" Daniel squeaked. "That was a _weaker _specimen?"

"But I can show you the menagerie," Crispino told Henry. "This is my arena, after all. You seem a man of great mental fortitude, I admire that. Come."

"Meanwhile, I can show you more of the city," Rasim offered Daniel.

"Well, yes, all right."

Henry gave Daniel a quick kiss and went off with Crispino. Daniel was anxiously moving the din Rasim had given him from palm to palm. He had not left Henry's side since coming to Irem. He trusted Rasim well enough but he felt vulnerable without his partner. Nonetheless, he followed Rasim out of the arena when he clapped his shoulder. The fresh air of the fields surrounding the place cleared the incense smoke and trace of gore from his nostrils. Rasim took his arm in a friendly manner and Daniel decided to allow it.

"It feels so strange," Daniel said. "To go about kissing and touching other men so freely, I mean. I keep expecting someone to come arrest Henry and I."

"But does it feel wrong?"

Daniel thought for a long moment, gazing up at the blue sky. Some strange thing darted across the sun, giving a hawk-like cry. He lowered his gaze and watched the people milling about them. There were all sorts of people in all sorts of groupings. Already, he had stopped gawking at every unusual sight. Already, he was becoming used to the endless diversity of the crowds. The ebb and flow of people was so natural, so organic, that they all melded together into one wave of simple humanity.

"No, it doesn't," Daniel finally answered. "Everything I've been taught makes me think that it _should_, but it doesn't. I like it here. Even after seeing—what did you call it? The 'cost of freedom', in the Heretic's Arena? Even still, I like it here. I can't stay, not yet, it's all too overwhelming. But I would like to return, someday."

"This is very good," Rasim said. "It is always wonderful to find newcomers that are able to appreciate my city and its gifts."

Daniel thought of how quickly Rasim had held his dagger to Charles's throat. He did not dare ask what happened to those that displeased Irem's guide. Rasim was as ardently protective of Irem as the most zealous patriots were of their homelands. It made sense. After all, this was Rasim's true homeland, the place he had built with his own hands and blood and faith. He had spent more than a thousand years in this place. The man looked no more than thirty, yet he was so ancient that he had practically transcended humanity.

"Is there something on my face?"

"What?"

"You're staring."

"S-sorry," Daniel said, averting his eyes. "I was thinking about how old you are. I don't mean to be rude, but it's astonishing!"

"Time is nothing to be impressed by," Rasim shrugged. "I never think about it anymore."

"Speaking of time, I noticed something," Daniel said. "There were no children at the Heretic's Arena. Most of the ones I've seen have been with parents or at their homes. How does it work? Do they age? Can babies be born here in Irem? And if people are free to do anything, well, what if a child wanted to do something harmful? To themselves or another?"

"Babies are born, children grow until they are the adult age they wish to be," Rasim said. "Children are not free to do as they please, of course. They are too young to consent to anything, they know nothing of what they truly desire and are easily influenced. So, it is up to their parents to raise them as they see fit. When they turn eighteen, chronologically, they are free to do as they wish. That is the one way that time must be marked here, in the growing of children."

"Is that why you don't have any? Because you hate to mark time?"

Rasim glanced at him and said nothing. For the first time, Daniel saw pain flicker in his black eyes. They came to a building with crimson-painted double doors and Rasim ushered him inside. The noise of the street was shut out behind them. The soft sounds of a sitar and other exotic instruments came from somewhere in the building. Daniel recognized the heady scent of opium in the air. He hesitated, thinking of Henry's aversion to his usage of the drug. Would he still mind here in Irem? He had been a changed man lately but Daniel didn't want to push him.

Nevertheless, Daniel did not want to end up sounding prudish. He followed Rasim to a large room where people lounged with their pipes sitting on pillows. Decorative screens offered some privacy and the musicians played from a dais at the back of the room. He and Rasim sat side by side on cushions in a single booth. A beautiful young person of uncertain gender prepared pipes for them.

"Just a little to settle your nerves," Rasim suggested. "You've not stopped fidgeting with that din since the Heretic's Arena."

Daniel pocketed the coin guiltily. He took up the elegant stem of his pipe and sucked down the smoke. The mellow sensation spread through his body warmly and at last his nerves stopped jumping. He settled into the plush cushions and sighed.

"Time has stopped for you, so do not worry about your health," Rasim said. "None of these things can damage you in Irem."

"I only hope Henry doesn't damage me for it."

"But you enjoy it, no?" Rasim pointed out. "Playing the child, taking your punishments. That endless cycle you've found yourself repeating with your Henry, it absolves you of your guilt."

"I still have guilt," Daniel said. "But you're right, it helps. Is that very strange?"

"No stranger than anything else." Rasim took a drag on his pipe. "I have played such games, hurting and being hurt. They can be entertaining if one is in a certain mood. There was a time when I myself needed such distractions, though I daresay my games were quite more extreme than yours."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Which brings me back to your question about my not having children." Rasim shut his eyes, taking a long pull of smoke. He exhaled it through his nostrils and gazed at the ceiling. "I had a family once. What was left of them when Irem burned was reborn with me here, by the grace of Hastur. But eternity is long for those who cannot stop marking time. Not all are able to adapt to an existence not rooted in time. My wife grew to hate Irem. She poisoned our children against it. This was before the Romans came, there was no Heretic's Arena, but I worried for them. Their talk became blasphemous. Their hostility became destructive. I prayed much and sacrificed much to Hastur to beg mercy for them. Thank the gods, I was able to save their lives, but they were banished from Irem. I suppose that was a blessing for them. They returned to the realm of time and lived ordinary lives, took up the faith of our old homeland. I followed them through the World Whisperers for a time but eventually their memories slipped from my mind. I suppose I may have descendants out there somewhere, or not. It no longer matters to me. They were dead to me when they turned their backs on Irem."

"Oh. I didn't know. I'm sorry."

"I felt guilt then for a time," Rasim said. "It's funny, I had forgotten those days but you reminded me of them. I was once young and lost and guilty, too. The shackles forged by the realm of time do not break easily or all at once, they must be worn down first. My journey is all but complete, the only way I can go farther is through death. So I enjoy watching the lives of others that I guide through the city. I am vicariously excited through you, you could say. Your journey has only just begun."

"I feel like I've lived an age since last year," Daniel sighed. "In moments like these, it all feels surreal. The memories are there but they recede, melt away like nightmares in the morning. Then I feel guilty for that. I don't feel I deserve to forget. That's part of why I keep going and chasing the darkness, I suppose."

"And the other part?"

"I don't know," Daniel said. "It touched me so long ago … in the cellar after my father locked me in down there. When the fear got to be too much, when my mind could not take anymore, I accepted what could be lurking in the shadows. I knew it was Death and I wanted him to take me. I was almost in ecstasy anticipating his touch, if that makes any sense. For just a moment, I did not fear the thing everyone else did. In that extremism of cowardice, I felt brave. That was also part of why I felt so good at Brennenburg. It was the same feeling when I was fighting against the Shadow that I created through the Orb: bravery from cowardice. To think so many people died because I couldn't handle the Orb. _I _recreated the things that haunted me in the cellar. _I _wanted to relive that nightmare. All my fantasies are perverse."

Daniel lay on his back on the cushions. He was in the most lucid stage of opium use, able to see himself as if from a great distance. The emotions his realizations brought touched him lightly as butterfly wings.

"Someday, I will master an Orb," Daniel said. "I will do that by being brave without fear pushing me to be so. I will never desire to create another Shadow. I will never let an Orb terrorize me again."

"Easier said than done, little sorcerer."

"I know," Daniel said gravely. "But I will do it. That is why I have to return to the world of time, as you call it. I have to face all my worldly demons there and beat them. Then perhaps someday, after that, I will return here. I might like to live here, someday, when I'm ready to be truly free."

"You would be welcome, my friend."

"I will never forget this place," Daniel murmured, his eyes sweeping shut. "It was hell to get here. A lot was sacrificed. People died. But I can't regret it. Are all sorcerers so selfish?"

"Nihilism is a necessary tool for unshackling oneself, regardless of occupation," Rasim said. "Most users of any form of the arcane arts only achieve success once they unburden themselves of their chains. Chains set upon them by society, by family, by religion, by time, all must go if a person is to gain any real power. Once the false self is totally destroyed, one is able to reconstruct their _true _self; the self that was born into the world and shackled the moment it left the womb. That is the nature of what the mundane world calls 'magic'."

Sleepiness was beginning to overtake Daniel. He could not lift his eyelids.

"How can one tell?" he asked softly. "How can you tell what your true self wants and what your false self was made to want?"

"Rest now, little sorcerer."

"But—"

"Ah, curious Daniel," chuckled Rasim. "Take a moment to step back from yourself now and then. See yourself as you do now, remotely, and listen to your instincts. And of course, substances like this do aid the process."

"Oh … but Henry … doesn't … "

The thought escaped Daniel and he fell into a doze. Rasim continued smoking, a hand rested on the young man's forehead. There were so many conflicting thoughts in there. Rasim was glad that the tumult of youth was far, far behind him now. Passion was a forgotten flame but pleasure was a constant companion; it was a fair trade.

Henry eventually found them. His brow furrowed slightly at the sight of Daniel but he accepted Rasim's invitation to sit with them. He rested Daniel's head on his lap, stroking his hair. Daniel stirred, muttered something, and resumed snoring softly.

"Have a smoke," Rasim said. "It will do you no bodily harm here and addiction will not follow you back to the mundane world."

"I would rather not," Henry said. "I still don't trust myself with drugs. I don't like the dark visions my mind conjures up. And after all I have seen today … "

"I understand."

"Do you?" Henry asked bluntly. "I always feel that we're being tested in some way here."

"You are quite perceptive," Rasim said. "It is true, Irem watches through my eyes. But the city is forgiving. No one is punished unless they mean this place harm, and I know you appreciate it too well for that."

"That I do," Henry agreed. "I do. I feel that I am whole here. There are still many things that I'm confused about, but I feel like freedom is something in my grasp. I don't know how I'll return to the normal world after this. The very idea of it frightens me."

"Tell me."

"Well, for example, when I heard that Daniel had come in here, it all came back to me," Henry explained. "He disobeyed me, so I was outraged. Opium takes him away from me, endangers him, so I was frightened. I wanted to come here and punish him. I almost forgot myself, forgot Irem, all of it."

"But you remembered," Rasim pointed out. "That is important. You are already changed enough to control yourself."

"But that won't hold in the real world," Henry said. "Daniel _can _be hurt in the real world, and in turn he can hurt me. This love I feel for him, it terrifies me. I can't lose him. When I think he's going to be lost, I want to hurt him. I want to control him, lock him away, hit him until he can't move. It's ugly. It's the ugly, stupid beast that led me to bully him when we were children. I've tried so hard to destroy it but I can't manage to."

"What about Daniel's freedom?" Rasim asked. "Can you at least respect that?"

"It stops mattering when I think of losing him."

"You would still control him?"

"I know that must offend you," Henry said. "I can't help it. But you know, I do believe he wants me to protect him. He's said as much."

"From some things, yes, I know that he does," Rasim said. "He would rather rely upon your strength than his own, and he needs your punishments to assuage that guilt he clings to."

"Yes, he does," Henry agreed fervently. "He likes to be a boy for me. He was never allowed to be much of a boy in his actual childhood, I think that's why."

"True." Rasim paused, took a drag on the opium pipe. "However, that doesn't mean he wants to be controlled when it matters. He is a sorcerer and I see much potential in him. The greater the power, the greater the risk, and he will want to, _need to_, take those risks. He cannot help it, it is simply who he is."

"I know," Henry muttered. "I've beaten him raw and he's still defied me when it matters most. You speak of freedom, but how can either of us be free in a situation like that? It comes down to my being free to protect my love and Daniel being free to pursue his magic. There is no middle ground."

"There is always a compromise to be made," Rasim said. "Freedom must be bartered sometimes for the sake of civility in the mundane world. You must allow Daniel to _be_. Not even love is a good enough reason to let someone stop you from _being_. Your boy here will realize that sooner or later."

"And you think I will lose him when he does?"

"It depends entirely upon you."

Henry shook his head and looked down at Daniel. They had reunited less than a year ago yet it felt like a lifetime. He could scarcely remember his life before Daniel came back into it. The lad had wrecked everything: his carefully constructed facade, his self-control, his work with the Sol Invictus Mithras. Even before Irem had shattered his hopes to totally control his brutal psyche, Henry had been floundering. He did not really know what he wanted anymore, except for Daniel. How could he risk losing what had become his life's single passion?

Henry gave in and took some puffs from Daniel's discarded opium pipe. He calmed, although it did not give him enough insight to come to a solution. He supposed that he would have to deal with real life in the realm of time when they returned. He did not know how he would feel after this sojourn to Irem.

Daniel stirred awake and stretched lazily. His dreamy smile faded when he saw Henry. Henry was both pleased and guilty as Daniel tried to flinch away. He took him by the shoulder and held him in place. _That look, _Henry thought, _it hasn't changed since he was a schoolboy. His lips press together and his shoulders hunch, but there's still defiance in his eyes. If I scold him, he'll probably blame Irem or Rasim, anything to exonerate himself. Still such a boy._

"It won't do any harm," Daniel said, as if on cue. "Rasim explained that here, it won't—"

"I know," Henry cut him off. "I know. I'm not angry, don't worry. I've had a little myself."

"Really!"

Daniel opened his mouth to say something else but Henry's sharp look stopped him. Henry ruffled his hair and helped him to his feet. Daniel was still yawning widely, rubbing feeling into his rubbery limbs. Despite his half-lidded eyes, Rasim was on his feet and alert again in one lithe motion. _He moves just like his panthers, _Henry noted. _No matter what he says, I'll always be wary of him. I'm surprised Daniel is not. Then again, Daniel is always drawn to the most dangerous of men._

"Crispino has invited us all to a late lunch at his home," Henry said. "He is ready to give you an answer to Paternoster's offer, Daniel, so we should pick the Orb up from our room on the way."

Daniel yawned and rested his head on Henry's shoulder.

"I think that it is time we traveled by carriage," Rasim said sagely.

It was agreed and they left the serenity of the opium den. Henry envied the dreamers left behind a little. He wondered what reflections were rippling through their minds. _Ordinary minds will seem so small and uninteresting when I return home, _he thought. _Imagine what these people ponder, some of whom have seen both the dawn and end of their civilizations! Yet Rasim seems to not ponder anything at all, he is so peaceful. Is it a farce? Someday I should like to return here and speak more freely with him. No one here needs a psychiatrist but I could learn much of the human mind. All the answers to the mysteries of the soul must lie in the brains of these immortal denizens. To think that everything I ever needed was all the way out here in the desert all along … The world is far better for its strangeness._

Rasim seemed to be able to summon anything he needed from the city with a wave of his hand. In this fashion, he flagged a carriage pulled by zebras. The interior was spacious and, like everything in Irem, decadently comfortable. Daniel was still fairly out of it, settling on Henry's lap and kissing his neck. Henry had to disentangle his arms from around him when they arrived at Rasim's home. Daniel went in to fetch the Orb alone, grumbling and rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"He is so very young," Rasim chuckled.

"So very annoying, sometimes," Henry said lightly. He smoothed his hair back and straightened his clothes. "What of you, Rasim? Do you truly live alone?"

"More often than not, yes," Rasim said. "I may as well tell you what I told Daniel. When Irem was reborn, I was reborn with it, and so was my family. I had a wife and children that I loved very much. However, they could not acclimate to this city, so they were banished. They returned to the realm of time, took up the false religions, and lived mundane lives. They were happy with that and I am happy with Irem. You see, giving up time also means giving up the concept of permanence: I realized that when my family left. So I entertained myself with temporary dalliances through the ages. These days, I value my solitude. I prefer to watch my city and its people. I watch, I guide, and I keep my faith to Hastur. The flame of passion withers to a flicker of peace eventually, but that is no great loss. Passion was always … confusing and painful to me. My one remaining passion is for Irem. My one true love is simply—Irem!"

"You're happy that way?" Henry asked dubiously. "I can't imagine myself living without Daniel, not ever."

"Yet you could do so, if you had to," Rasim said. "You are both so very young. You are no sorcerer but I know that you are aware of the powers of Vitae. If Daniel pursues semi-immortality through it, won't you follow the same path?"

Henry's brow furrowed. He had never considered the implications of devoting themselves fully to the Sol Invictus Mithras. Of course, if Daniel was serious about earning arcane power, he would naturally follow in Paternoster's footsteps. Paternoster had kept himself immortal in the realm of time through magic and usage of Vitae. Henry liked the idea of Daniel remaining as young and beautiful as he was right now, and himself remaining strong for all time by his side. Yet the idea of a true forever was daunting.

"Time is a spiral, cycling through similar but ever-evolving patterns," Rasim said. "There is no evolution without change. I know how difficult it is for the young to dwell upon such matters but it is a reality you and Daniel must face. I advise you to consider it carefully once you return to the realm of time."

"I certainly will."

Rasim nodded and smiled. Henry noted a hint of sadness in that smile, but was it for them or himself? Henry wondered if the enigmatic man was being totally honest when he said he was happy. The biggest lie of all was hope but humans withered without it. Without self-delusions and the hope of forever, the hope of love, could a person be truly satisfied? Henry did not think that he could be. He wondered if that was why Rasim's wife had ultimately left him. When the lie of eternal love had been doused by the freedom of Irem, had she been too hurt to stay? Henry felt sympathy for the long-dead woman of the ancient East. He could only hope, foolishly hope, that he and Daniel would not part in such a tragic way.

_And so I continue to lie to myself, _Henry thought. He watched as Daniel meandered back towards the carriage, giving the panthers in the front garden cautious looks. _I will continue to believe that Daniel and I can be happy together for as long as we live. What else can we do? We are definitely not ready for the truth of Irem. They say truth is a light, but the light can also burn._


	10. Chapter 10

**10**

Daniel, Henry, and Rasim joined Crispino and his family for a large late lunch. They ate in the central pavilion again but this time men and women dined together. There was talk of all kinds and lots of laughter. Crispino and Henry fell into a deep discussion about the otherworldly monsters of the Heretic's Arena. Daniel continued questioning Rasim concerning just about everything in Irem, and Rasim patiently answered his questions. Time was forgotten entirely, even after twilight fell.

In the evening, Crispino took Daniel to his private office. He exchanged the Orb for the items that Paternoster had requested. Daniel was sorry to see the Orb go and Crispino sympathized. He opened a small locked cabinet drawer and withdrew something. He held it out on his palm to Daniel and Daniel leaned down to look at it. A chain of gold held a small ivory charm of very peculiar design: a naked man's figure entwined by a snake, the snake's head resting upon the man's lion-shaped one. The lion-headed man held up his hands, a key in each and a scepter held by his right arm. The lion-headed man was framed by four wings upon his back. Though small, the detail of the charm was exquisite. The yellowed patina of the ivory gave Daniel the impression that it was very old.

"Here, take this as a token of friendship," Crispino said. "Rasim is not the only one who enjoys investing in potential talents. Go on, take it."

Daniel took the charm into his hand. It had a nice weight for such a small, delicate-looking piece. The ivory felt smooth and pleasant in his hand. Despite the intimidating open-mouthed lion head, Daniel found the strange figure comforting.

"You were born under what they call the sign of Leo, weren't you?" Crispino asked. "In early August?"

"Hm? Oh, yes, actually. Yes, I was."

"Then you should be watched over by the god Arimanius, one of the Sol Invictus Mithras group's oldest deities," Crispino said. "He represents balance and time: see how the snake spirals around him yet he remains constant, holding the keys to the two opposing paths of life? The scepter is to guide the initiate, the wings represent freedom to fly through all spheres. You shall learn more of him as you progress with the Sol Invictus Mithras, I'm sure."

"Thank you," Daniel said, fastening the chain around his neck.

"The charm itself is capable of holding very strong enchantments without breaking, so it is also useful," Crispino said. "Just take care not to lose it, that would bring very bad luck."

Daniel promised not to and thanked him again. They went to join the others in a room Crispino called the "social atrium". Like the atrium that admitted guests, this was a large open space. However this room was deeper in the domicile and isolated from the busy hallways and doors to the outside. This atrium was also furnished lavishly with plenty of seating around a sunken fountain pool. The guests were lounging with wine and victuals servants brought in on silver trays. Daniel found Henry and sat beside him, showing him the charm.

"I suppose this concludes our business in Irem," Daniel remarked. "I do wish we had more time here."

"An irony, isn't it?" Henry laughed. "Wishing for time in a timeless city. But you are right, Daniel. I would love to stay longer but we should be leaving soon."

Rasim was suddenly beside Daniel, nibbling a kebob.

"Irem is always obliging," he said. "The city shall open itself to your realm again tomorrow morning. You may leave then."

"One more night," sighed Daniel. "Only one more night."

"We shall have to make the most of it, then," Henry murmured into his ear. He kissed his cheek then drew him into a deeper kiss.

A commotion on the opposite side of the room parted them. They saw Crispino talked animatedly with two of his guards. The humor left his face and he lifted his head imperiously. He gave them an order and then returned to the sitting area. He stayed on his feet and the guests quieted beneath his severe frown.

"There has been an incident involving our third new guest," Crispino announced. "Daniel, Henry, Rasim, please join me in the guest atrium."

He swept out of the room without waiting for a reply. Daniel groaned Charles's name as Henry helped him to his feet. Rasim stayed by their side as they left the comfort of the social atrium. They were silent as they followed the long sparse halls to the front of the home. They found Crispino centered in the atrium, flanked by his two guards. Before the door was a group of four frighteningly tall, slender figures dressed from head to toe in black. There was not a glimpse of skin or feature to tell whether these figures were male or female, black or white, or even human at all. They all wore cloth masks covering their faces like a curtain reaching their collarbones (if they had collarbones), each mask embellished with a symbol resembling the Eye of Horus centered in a spiral, in gold thread. Two of the figures stood at the forefront and held Charles between them.

_I had completely forgotten about him after the Heretic's Arena, _Daniel thought guiltily. _Now what has he done? I should feel sorry for him but he's ruining everything._

"What has happened?" Rasim asked Crispino.

"This man has been accused of attacking another citizen unprovoked!" Crispino exclaimed.

"Citizen? That was a bloody monster!" Charles snarled. "Disgusting lizard thing! Was I supposed to just let it walk by? One of those damned things nearly killed me at the British Museum!"

"I don't care about your mundane life!" Crispino shouted at him. "Do you have any idea what you've done? Bringing such humiliation to my door? You are my guests! This reflects directly upon me!"

Crispino's voice boomed around the large atrium. All trace of joviality was gone. Daniel could well imagine him leading a Roman army to battle now. He prayed Charles would be reasonable but Charles sneered at the shorter man derisively.

"I never asked to be your guest," he sneered. "Why should I care about some damned Roman who should be dead by all rights?"

Crispino struck him across the face heavily. Charles spit blood and glared at him. He tried to fight back but the black-clad guards held him back without budging an inch.

"The Iremian Watchers, in my _domus_!" Crispino raged. He punched Charles in the gut. "You ungrateful fool!"

Crispino went on cursing in Latin, pacing in front of Charles. Rasim approached him and put a hand on his shoulder. They spoke in Latin for a few moments. The bright red in Crispino's cheeks cooled.

"A host is responsible for their guests, which is why he was brought here," Rasim explained to Daniel. "I am your host but your business is with Crispino, so we are both culpable in this matter. That is why the Watchers have brought your friend to us."

"We will be fined for this," Crispino said furiously. "And a laughing stock!"

"It is also up to us how this man will be punished," Rasim said. "I will pay the fine, Crispino. But the man must still be dealt with."

"Please, this is my fault," Daniel entreated. "I brought Henry and Charles here. I was responsible for them. If anyone is to blame, it's me. I started all this without even telling either of them. If someone has to be punished, it should be me."

"For God's sake, Daniel, that's too much," Henry scolded. "This isn't one of your masochist games! Charles is a grown man and he had free reign here in Irem, we all did. He could have just stayed in his room, couldn't he? But you were drawn to the so-called sins of Irem, weren't you, Ledford? You fucking hypocrite! I won't let Daniel suffer over your stupid choices."

"I agree," Rasim said. "Daniel, you are not at fault here."

"But I brought him here," Daniel insisted. "It wouldn't be fair if he was killed here because of me. I … I've done this all wrong. Please! Please don't send him to the Heretic's Arena. It wouldn't be right."

"No one was killed," Rasim said. "I think the Arena would be too strong a penalty."

"I disagree," Crispino said. "He is the very soul of a heretic against this city! Let him be torn apart and let's be done with it. You are better off not keeping such company, Daniel."

"Please," Daniel begged Rasim. "I know it's a lot to ask and I'm sorry. God, I'm … I'm so sorry. But please, don't kill him."

Rasim gave Crispino a look. Crispino tried to look away but he was drawn back to his ebony black eyes. They seemed to communicate without speaking. Finally, Crispino threw up his hands in disgust, swearing in Latin.

"Then do what you will, Rasim!" he said. "But you owe me, old one. Do not forget it!"

Rasim tossed him a din, engravings appearing on it as it flew through the air. Crispino caught it, read the script, and was appeased. He crossed his arms and waited for the matter to be settled.

"He shall not die," Rasim told Daniel. "But there must be punishment. I shall take him to the Temple of Hastur and pray. He shall be judged by the Great Old Ones."

Crispino muttered something in Latin. Daniel's rough knowledge of the language thought he might have said "that may be worse" but he couldn't be sure. Daniel licked his dry lips and looked at Charles. Charles scowled and bowed his head.

"Will he be all right?"

"It will be in Hastur's hands," Rasim said simply. "But he will live."

"There's nothing else I can say, is there?" Daniel asked. "Nothing I can do?"

"He made his choice," Rasim said. "I am sorry, Daniel, but you know the ways of our city."

"I know. Charles, I—"

"Shut up," Charles growled. "I don't want to hear anything from you, you damned little monster."

Daniel swallowed a lump in his throat and nodded. Rasim ordered the Iremian Watchers to take Charles to the Temple of Hastur. He bid them take his carriage to his home and said he would meet them in the morning for their departure. Then he left after the Watchers and Charles. Crispino, Daniel, and Henry stood in the doorway watching them vanish into the city. The Watchers garnered many startled glances and people went out of their way to avoid them.

"It is a foolish man indeed that turns his back on Irem's gifts," Crispino said. "Do not let him ruin the night. Such men are not worth fretting over."

"I can't help it," Daniel said. "It's my fault. I'm sorry, Crispino, but I think I need to rest now. Thank you for being so gracious and I apologize for Charles."

"I hold no blame against you, Daniel," Crispino said. "I do hope that you and Henry visit Irem again. Henry, there is much and more I wish to show you at the Arena. You are an admirable man that would do well here. That black hair of yours, your strength, I bet there is some Roman in you somewhere."

"Thank you, Crispino. I've enjoyed our time together immensely. I do wish to return here someday."

"Excellent!" Crispino said. "Ah, it is always fun to welcome _worthy _guests. All I ask is that you never bring a man like that fool to my door again!"

"Never," Daniel promised.

Crispino laughed and shook their hands in turn. He bid them farewell and saw them to the street. Without his company, a forlorn quiet descended upon the two men. Henry clapped Daniel's shoulder and brought him along to the carriage. Daniel sat apart from him, staring out the carriage window at the stars.

"It is _not _your fault," Henry tried to console him. "Charles was responsible for himself. He was looking to clash with this city and he got what he wanted."

"He hated this city because he hated _me_," Daniel said. "I lied to him, betrayed him, ruined his expedition, used him, and then used him again by the Orb's power. Don't you see? If I had only been honest with him, with you, with myself, I could have mitigated all this damage. It is my fault, Henry."

"Daniel … "

"Why have you changed so drastically?" Daniel asked. "I know that you love Irem and that I brought you here, but is that enough to just forgive me everything?"

"What would you have me do, Daniel?"

"Yell at me! Beat me! I don't know!" Daniel exclaimed. "I don't know. But you were so furious in the desert … I deserve that. That's what I deserve."

"But I already punished you for lying to us," Henry pointed out. "Isn't that what we do? You go off and disobey me, I punish you, then it's done. It's done, Daniel."

Daniel's hazel eyes stared intently at Henry. He sighed and rubbed his temples. Henry crossed over to sit beside him.

"You don't care because the one I hurt this time wasn't you," Daniel realized. "You never liked Charles, anyway. You won't punish me on his behalf."

"I sure as hell will not."

Daniel held his head in his hands. He was quiet the rest of the way to Rasim's property. Henry kept an arm around him as they made their way to their room. He hated Charles for spoiling their last night in Irem. Despite Daniel's guilt, a part of him wished Crispino had had his way and Charles would be fed to the shoggoth.

In their room, Daniel went to the dry bar and poured himself wine. Henry joined him, trying to lift his spirits. No amount of kisses or gulps of wine could cure his moroseness. Once the decanter was empty, he curled up in bed, hugging his knees to his chest. Henry sat beside him caressing his back.

"You'll learn from these mistakes, Daniel," he said. "The next time you decide to drag anyone into a dangerous mystical adventure, you'll be more responsible, won't you?"

"Henry, it's not funny."

"Not for Charles, maybe," chuckled Henry. "But Daniel, what's done is done. Tormenting yourself over it won't change whatever is going to happen to Charles."

"I can't help how I feel, Henry. I was always jealous of Charles, that's why I thought nothing of using him," Daniel said. "I kept forgetting about him while we were enjoying Irem. I could have asked Rasim to have him followed. I could have watched him myself, with you. I did nothing for him. I used him, betrayed him, and left him at the mercy of this city. It was wrong, Henry. Another in a long, long list of sins. I've caused so much suffering. How can a single man's existence ruin so many lives? I wish I could say that it was over, but I … I honestly don't know. I don't know what I'll do in the future. I know what I'm capable of, but I don't know what I'll do. It frightens me, Henry. Here in Irem, I forgot about the consequences of my actions. Everything is eternal and pristine here. I thought I had found the perfect escape and Charles is the one to pay for that indulgence. It isn't right. It isn't fair."

"Life is not fair," Henry said. "We both know that."

"The worst part is that if I had to do it all again, I would," Daniel said. "I would not trade everything I've learned and gained in Irem for Charles. I wouldn't."

Henry sat Daniel up and held him in his arms. He kissed his forehead, brushed his hair from his face. His lank brown hair was always falling out of place, as if betraying his inner dishevelment. Henry tipped the young man's face up to his own by the chin.

"What can I do for you, Daniel, hm?" Henry asked. "This is Irem, city of freedom, of truth. So tell me, what do you want me to do?"

Daniel licked his lips again, meeting Henry's steady blue gaze. He put his arms around Henry's neck and kissed him sweetly. His skin was so hot he felt feverish in Henry's arms. He nestled his face into the man's neck, softly whispering, "Punish me. Not for Charles's sake but for my own. Make it hurt."

Henry had expected this and could not say he was disappointed. He hugged the young man close to him for a moment more, savoring the echo of those words in his ear. Never mind the powerful sorcerer everyone in Irem seemed to think Daniel was capable of becoming: Henry would always prefer him softened by shame. He traced their shared history all the way back to the first time he had taken notice of the nervous, slender boy in their classroom. He could clearly see the younger Daniel's upset little face, hear him desperately trying to talk his way out of his punishment. He remembered the exasperated pucker of their teacher's pinched face, how white his knuckles got clutching the birch rod in his hand. Daniel's whining voice had been annoying yet it had amused Henry greatly. At first he was merely amused when the teacher hoisted the boy over his knee, pulled down his breeches, and began to flog him. But something about the curve of the boy's naked bottom had stirred Henry's interest, made him pay particular attention to this beating. Was it the way the lad had kicked, giving Henry glimpses between his legs? Was it the stricken yet defiant look on his face when he looked over his shoulder, biting his bottom lip with tears in his eyes? Henry's pulse had pounded with every crack of the rod. The thin red lines marking the boy's bottom, even the droplets of blood from the scratches that came later, had aroused Henry agonizingly. He had wanted to feel those bruises with his own hands, squeeze them, perhaps lay more upon the other lad. When the irate teacher finally set the shaking boy down, Daniel was wiping tears from his eyes. His breath hitched and he sheepishly pulled his breeches up with a wince. That was when Henry wanted to hold him, comfort him, kiss him—the way he was right now.

This time, it was all backwards, Henry mused. He was done comforting Daniel, now it was time to punish him. He released him and climbed down from the bed.

"Strip," he ordered. "I'll return in a moment."

"Where—"

"Don't question me, Daniel."

Daniel swallowed and nodded. As he pulled off his clothes, he watched Henry pull the cord to ring for a servant. Daniel hoped Henry didn't want one of those mummies to hold him down, he hated dead things. Once he was fully naked, he lay face-down on the bed, arms beneath his chin. The breeze blowing in through the windows did nothing to cool his flushed skin.

Henry returned to him and sat on the bed beside him. He ran his hand down the length of Daniel's back, over his buttocks, to his thighs. He squeezed one cheek, then the other.

"Those bruises from your last punishment have faded already," he observed. "People must heal differently in Irem. Well, let's give you some more, shall we?"

Biting his lip again, a small nod. Henry ruffled his hair and slapped his hand down on Daniel's bottom. He was smiling, not taking it very seriously, and the smacks were quite light. As the pink handprints deepened to red, Henry would pause and stroke the youth's buttocks lovingly. Daniel watched him, equal parts curious and aroused. When his bottom was warmed, Henry kissed him deeply. Then he gave him a harder smack and told him to sit up. Daniel obeyed, a little wary. He knew Henry would never let him off so easily, even if Henry wasn't punishing him out of anger.

Henry stacked the plump pillows up high before Daniel and told him to lay over them. The cushions propped Daniel's equally plump buttocks up nicely. Henry rested his free hand on the small of Daniel's back possessively. Daniel clung to one silken pillow tightly as he watched Henry raise a hand over his clear round target. The next series of spanks were sharp, hard, and loud as gunshots in the quiet room. Daniel buried his face in the pillow as stinging heat spread across his bare skin. Henry had nothing to scold him for but every crack seemed to chasten him. It hurt, but he was gratified. _I deserve it, it's the least of what I deserve. I deserve it. I deserve it._

_So why can't I cry?_

Daniel lifted his scarlet face when Henry stopped. Henry soothed his palm over his upturned buttocks, gave him a smile.

"Thank you," Daniel said tritely. "I do feel better now."

He went to get up but Henry pushed him back down. He tilted further over the pillows, his bottom stuck up horribly high. A fresh flush of humiliation swept over him and his stomach fluttered.

"Oh, I'm not finished," Henry informed him. "You told me to make it hurt, didn't you? Yet you're still dry-eyed as ever."

"Oh Henry."

"Don't 'oh Henry' me," he laughed. "And don't sulk. You asked for this spanking and you'll take all of it. Understand?"

"Y-yes."

"Yes _what_?"

"Yes sir."

Daniel took up the pillow he'd been clutching again. Henry lifted a case from the floor and put it on the nightstand. He opened it and nodded in approval.

"I asked one of the servants to bring me some disciplinary instruments," Henry explained. "There's just about everything here. Exquisite quality. Ha, I'll have to return to Irem with something to barter and buy a set like this someday. Just lovely."

"Please don't use a paddle," Daniel begged. "I don't think I could bear that again so soon."

"You'll take what I give you and thank me for it, lad."

"Oh—Yes. Sir."

But Henry's tone was mild and he kissed the top of Daniel's head. His fingers drummed across his lover's behind as he considered the implements before him. Despite Daniel's grumbling, Henry saw him positioning himself just right for him. His face was all anxiety but he presented his backside eagerly. _That's how he finds freedom from all those pesky responsibilities, _Henry thought, _by being completely submissive. So let's go on playing this little game of absolution he so craves._

"Here, I think I will use the martinet," Henry said. "Did you know this is used to discipline children in France? That is what you want tonight, isn't it? To be a child?"

"Henry, please."

Henry took the wooden handle of the martinet firmly in hand. He leaned down and lifted Daniel's face to his own. Daniel's mortified expression delighted him.

"Go on, say it," Henry demanded. "I want to hear the truth from you instead of all that whining. One last moment of truth here in Irem. Tell me."

Daniel hugged the pillow more tightly. Henry kissed him. When he still did not speak, Henry gave his bottom a tap with the handle of the martinet.

"Yes. Yes, all right, fine, I'll say it." Daniel drew a breath. "_Yes_, I want to be a child for you. I want to be a boy again, told what to do, punished when I do something bad. Only, you always forgive me, don't you? I was never really forgiven as a boy. I couldn't let myself cry or yell, I had to just take it all like a man. Well, sometimes I tire of being a man. I want to forget the kind of man that I am. So yes, Henry. Yes, I want to be a child tonight."

"Good lad."

Henry kissed him and stood. Daniel resettled into position. Henry teased him briefly, stroking his bottom and then letting the leather thongs caress him. Daniel was right at the point of arousal when the thongs whistled through the air and slapped across his buttocks. Daniel yelped at the smart sting.

Perhaps it was the abject humiliation of confessing, or the very idea of regressing to childhood. Perhaps certain miserable memories had been dredged up from the shadowy corners of his mind. Perhaps it was Henry's stringent, rapid blows and the burn they brought. The tears sprang to Daniel's eyes before long and he let them fall.

_Good, that'll be good for him, _Henry thought. The distance the long-handled martinet gave allowed him a good view of Daniel's frame, trembling and bent over docilely. He could see every flinch, from the youth's toes curling to his leaning heavily into the stack of pillows. The urge to comfort him was also negated by their separation, allowing Henry to focus solely on the punishment. The martinet was a lighter implement that required a high number of strokes for a proper whipping. Henry kept count in his mind, numbering each bright red weal he laid down. Around seventy, Daniel's cries began to turn more towards genuine discomfort than emotional distress. Finally he reached back, a hand clutching his bottom. Henry swatted it away with the martinet.

"Ah, ah, hold your position, Daniel," he scolded. "I was just going to give you a short break but now … "

Henry snapped the martinet's leather fingers across Daniel's buttocks with full force.

"Owww, Henry, it burns!" the man wailed. "God, it _stings_! Henry!"

Henry gave him ten hard whacks. Daniel squirmed and his buttocks clenched and un-clenched, but he held his position. Henry rewarded him with a reprieve. He held the martinet under his arm and came over to the sobbing young man. He ran his palm up and down the raised welts striping Daniel's bottom and upper thighs. Daniel swiped his arm across his damp face, looking up at him pitifully.

"Not too much more, Daniel," Henry assured him. "There, there. We'll burn all that guilt away soon. You'll see."

Sniffling, Daniel nodded. Henry rubbed his tender skin a few moments longer, then took the martinet in hand again. Daniel wilted over the pillows, burying his face in the sheets now. He resigned himself to the rest of the whipping with his eyes screwed shut. The martinet stung him again, then again. The fiery layers of welts burned until he was howling into the bed. The guilt was burned away by the pain, degradation, and an underlying current of eroticism. Reduced to nothing more than a child, he could be no more responsible than one; he was utterly lost in the roleplay.

"Is this enough for you, Daniel?" Henry asked. "Hm?"

"Y-you decide."

"No, you requested it," Henry said. "Honesty, remember? Tell me, have you had enough? Or do you want more?"

"Mmmph. Henry, don't make me say it."

"Go on, say it, lad."

"M-more. A bit more." Daniel hissed in pain at the following stroke. "Just a little bit!"

"You could be more polite about it, you know."

"Gah! A little more, s-sir! Please! Sir! Aaaow!"

"Very good," Henry rumbled. "I should have done this before. It's nice to hear you beg for it. Especially after all this 'sorcerer' talk. Don't you ever forget that you belong to me, Daniel. Whatever else you become, you will always be mine."

Daniel broke position slightly to look back at Henry. Henry wished that he still had his old beard to hide the smile threatening his lips. _How very like him, to look at me with curiosity in his eyes even now. I told him to stay in position but he never can help asking whatever question comes to mind. A curious cat. Good thing he's proven to have at least nine lives._

"Is that why you really agreed to this?" Daniel asked. "You don't want me to have any power?"

"I said I wouldn't interfere with your weird studies, and I won't," Henry said. He snapped the martinet's thongs across Daniel's buttocks crisply. "But with all this attention you've been getting, yes, I believe being taken down a few pegs will do you good. Now get back down."

"Oh, Henry, you know I'll always submit to you. You needn't worry about that."

"Then why are you still up?"

"S-sorry."

Henry gave Daniel more than Daniel would count as 'just a little bit'. Daniel took it dutifully. _Is he jealous of my abilities? No, if he were he would simply throw himself into occult studies. Henry takes power when he wants it, that's why I'm here like this now. Is he insecure? Does he think I'll outgrow him, become so powerful that I won't need him anymore? That must be it._

"I'll always need you, Henry."

Henry paused, lowering the martinet. He had worked up a sweat and his arm was tired. He set the martinet back in the case and sat down on the bed beside Daniel. Daniel crawled off the pillows, rubbing his bottom and wiping his eyes. Despite the tears, he smiled and embraced Henry in a rush.

"You don't understand at all," Daniel said. He actually laughed. "The more power I get, the worse it is. I never handle it right, I always do more harm than good, to myself and others. I need you by my side to guide me, or at least to punish me when I go wrong. I love you, I need you, and I always, _always _will."

Henry's heart twisted at the words. He felt the promise of hope, that old necessary lie, come to excite him again. Perhaps Rasim's dire predictions were wrong. He had outgrown his family but surely that would never happen to them. Even having tasted arcane power, Daniel was so very emotionally delicate. He was fragile and when he inevitably shattered, he needed Henry there to pick up the pieces. How could that change?

Henry kissed Daniel until he was breathless. Daniel held onto him tightly, fresh tears falling. Henry pulled himself fully onto the bed, cradling Daniel in his arms. He hushed him, humming some tune he had heard in Irem to him.

"Thank you, Henry," Daniel sniffled. "You want me to be honest tonight, don't you? I'm grateful to you. Even when it's been difficult to accept your discipline, I've always appreciated it, even if I cry a bit."

"A bit?" Henry guffawed. "You yowl like a drowning cat. But don't be sorry, I quite enjoy it. You never did as a boy. In school when you were beaten, that time I saw your father beat you in the street, even when I fought with you, you never cried out. It's a relief to finally hear you holler."

"You're a strange man."

"Says the man who begs to be spanked."

Daniel chuckled sheepishly. Henry wiped the last of his tears away with his own sleeve, kissed him. Daniel met the kiss fervently, slender body pressing close. His lips were still red and his mouth tasted of wine. Henry laid him down and sat over him. Even after their time in the desert sun, Daniel's skin was smooth and fair in the moonlight. His hazel eyes were dark and round as orbs as they looked up at Henry expectantly. _That need and desire won't ever fade, _Henry told himself. He traced the lines of Daniel's fine face with his fingers, then his mouth. _I never dared hope to see Daniel again after boyhood but life brought us back together. The truth doesn't always need to be painful. This love is the truth. We're free to be bound to one another._

Daniel was pliant and eager in Henry's arms. He let himself be turned over and propped up on his knees again. Henry kissed the bright welts on his bottom, the small of his back, his thighs, as Daniel shivered in pleasure. He was gentle parting the young man's battered cheeks, easing into him slowly. Daniel gave a small gasp, of pleasure or pain or both. Henry felt him buck into him so he pushed harder, made him yell. Their thoughts, good and bad, melted away in the heat of pure carnal lust.

Ironically, Charles Ledford was once again totally forgotten.

* * *

The Temple of Hastur was monumental. The very sight of the enormous temple and those neighboring it was enough to make Charles want to quit this horrendous world immediately. He wished Daniel had let them kill him. He hated the world, hated it with all his heart for allowing such atrocities to exist. He had seen the ugly face of man, from cannibalism to dumb, brutal murder, but he had never doubted that good ultimately conquered evil. He had grown up in an age where the true God and his own Empire were spreading to civilize ever more exotic lands. Science was leading them to new stages of enlightenment and industry continued to propel them forward. Evil, savagery, ignorance, all those sins would soon be things of the past—or so he had believed.

Laying eyes upon the gargantuan temples built to celebrate the very worst of the pagan gods shattered the very last of Charles's faith. As he was led up the steps, he felt no more than an ant trying to climb a mountain. He wondered how Rasim could walk so proudly, so confidently, when he too resembled little more than an insect in the shadow of the temple. Was he not afraid of these things he worshiped? Mad, he had to be as mad as Abdul Alhazred. Everyone in this city was mad.

The moonlight turned yellow as they at last neared the top of the stairs. The stars were too close, he could see heavenly bodies whirling with his naked eyes. He had to look down at the stairs to keep from losing himself in the dizzying Void above. How could this be the truth of Creation? How could Creation be so sinister? Did his God even exist? He could not lose faith now, and yet …

"Enough," groaned Charles. "That's enough. Rasim, just take that dagger of yours and slit my throat. I don't want any more of this."

"I promised Daniel that I would not, and I am a man of my word," Rasim said. "I will not lie to you, it will be bad. You should try to clear your mind of all your prejudices first. Try to embrace this city one last time, for your own sake."

"I can't accept this hell," Charles said bitterly. "As God is my witness, I never will."

"Your god does not exist," Rasim said. "Isn't that obvious by now? Fighting the truth will only hurt you more. Would you stare at the sun while denying its existence? The truth is here all around you. Accept it."

"No."

Rasim sighed and shook his head. They reached the top of the steps and stood before a colossal door of pure yellow gold. It was flanked by the largest pillars Charles had seen so far, each topped with a golden orb. There were engravings in unknown languages and hieroglyphs whose depicted creatures made Charles shudder. Everything was lit by a golden glow that emanated from no source Charles could determine. It was all so damned yellow!

The titanic door did not open. The pilgrims entered through a comparatively tiny door on the left side of the big door, and exited through a similar door on the right. The Watchers pulled Charles along behind Rasim, into the temple.

Even the human passageways were spacious and forbidding. Tapestries depicting all sorts of oddities or designed with strange geometric patterns adorned the walls. Between the tapestries were black flags with yellow border and what Charles had been told was the Yellow Sign embroidered in the center: Hastur's sign. Charles felt that he was inside both an ancient pyramid and a medieval castle at once. There was also something scientific about the geometric patterns, futuristic even. The overall effect was beyond foreign, it was _alien_.

The walk through the hushed cavernous hall was very long. Charles did his best not to look at the inhuman pilgrims that passed. Even some of the humans were difficult to behold, tattooed or pierced or outright mutilated for whatever ritual purposes.

"Is it all so strange?" Rasim asked, reading his face (or his mind). "Your people worship carrion on a cross."

"Fuck you," Charles said wearily. "Jesus is the true son of the true God. All of this is just a test, just another one of the Devil's temptations. I won't give in, not this time, not anymore. If I have to die, then I will."

"I already said you will not die," Rasim said impatiently. "As for your 'true' god, they're all the true god, until they're not. Our gods answer us. Our gods are real."

"Your gods are not gods," Charles said. "These things may exist but they were born in the blackest reaches of Creation from sin. They're nothing more than clever monsters. You believe yourself to be wise, but you're just a fool, Rasim."

"A tangible monster is still better to worship than a figment," Rasim said. "But then that is what your kind of people want: an intangible figment to bend to their needs, their wills, their ideals. Your gods are all nothing more than chains forged by the powerful to bind the weak. They will never answer you. They will never love you. You die and you return to the spiral of life and you live out the same blind cycle over and over and over again. I am not the fool here, Charles Ledford."

"Aren't you?" Charles asked. "All of you, what are you here in Irem? You're nothing more than an ant colony. Any of your so-called gods could destroy all of this on a mere whim."

"Yes, but so be it," Rasim said. "We still have lived more, enjoyed more, loved more than you falsely faithful ever will. We have been the instruments of miracles and witnessed our prayers being answered before our eyes. I could ask for no more from a god and would expect no less."

Before Charles could retort, he found himself facing Rasim's god. They passed through a massive archway into a room resembling a throne room. Flames of pure yellow burned from sconces set in the walls, reflected by the mirrors behind them. What had started as a dull hum in the hallway rose to a steady, droning chant. People in yellow robes with white stone masks stood in a circle, arms raised, perpetually chanting. Above a high dais leered a magnificent statue depicting Hastur.

Charles did not know what he was expecting, but he had not been expecting this. The thing was a tentacled nightmare in gleaming gold but the geometric angles of some of its parts seemed almost mechanical. Somewhere in the senseless tangle of features there was what seemed to be a single eye. That strange orb lit with an unnatural electric glow. Charles _felt _the gaze piercing him: his mind, his body, even his very soul. Terror jolted through his body like shock of electricity, making him go rigid. His muscles and nerves wound so tightly it hurt. He wanted to look away but his eyes were fixated on that electric eye. Meanwhile his brain throbbed with each new feature he made out in the statue. The chanting was not very loud but as its meaning took form in his mind, his ears began to bleed. Reality _cracked_, it literally broke apart before his eyes as the vision of Hastur filled them. Overlaid upon the statue was the writhing, whirling image of the god itself.

Rasim was at the foot of the dais prostrate, praying fervently in an otherworldly language. He did not like this man but he did like Daniel. He would be disappointed if he had to bring the little sorcerer back only the dead body of his former friend. He begged Hastur not to make a liar of him, not to frighten the newcomers from Irem so soon. With enough supplication, he may be able to save Ledford. He had not expected the mere sight of Hastur's idol to break the man. Or was it Hastur himself? The statue was a conduit to the whims of Irem's founding Great Old One, and as Charles said, Hastur could destroy any or all of them on a whim. Was Charles so unfortunate to have provoked Hastur's ire? How could that be? He was only another close-minded newcomer—or was he?

_I sensed all along that there was something different about those three newcomers, _Rasim thought as he prayed. _Daniel and Henry fit with this place, so I understand why I was drawn to them. But this man, Charles Ledford? Why would he be so important as to be noticed by Hastur? What purpose would destroying him serve? I do not question Hastur's will but it baffles me. Was I meant to bring him here? I normally would have had him taken to the Heretic's Arena or simply whipped, tortured. Was I called to bring him here? Oh Great Hastur, why? What role does this simple man have to play in all this? What will those three bring to Irem? _

_What have I invited in to Irem?_


	11. Chapter 11

**11**

Daniel and Henry woke early to enjoy one last trip to the great baths together. They lingered in the warm waters until hunger drove them were surprised to find the dining room empty of both food and Rasim. An ominous mood settled over the morning. They could think of no harmless reason that Rasim would fail his duties as a host.

"What shall we do?" Daniel asked Henry. "Do you think he's still at the Temple of Hastur?"

"I don't know." Henry thought for a moment, gazing around the coldly empty room. "Well, we can't starve, and we're expected to leave this morning. I'll ring a servant to bring us some food."

"Do you think those mummies actually cook it?" Daniel pondered. "That's a little disturbing. Although the food has been splendid and I haven't been ill from it."

They were served a small meal in short order. Despite his musings, Daniel ate as heartily as ever. Henry followed suit but only from necessity; he was too anxious to have much appetite. What in the world could keep Rasim from keeping them company? Had something gone wrong? He would not be sorry to see Charles dead but he worried for Daniel.

The doors to the dining room burst open just as they were debating whether to go to the Temple of Hastur or not. At first the sight of Rasim was a relief. Then they noticed his expression. The man's olive skin had paled a shade in the face and he was frowning severely. Worse still was the naked confusion and fear written upon his features. Daniel stood and rounded the table.

"Rasim?" he ventured. "Rasim, is it Charles? Is he dead?"

Rasim looked through Daniel, his black eyes faraway. Then he shook himself and blinked. The worry did not leave him but he was able to focus on Daniel.

"Little sorcerer," he murmured pensively. He inhaled through his nose and exhaled slowly. "No, your friend is not dead. But I must apologize. Hastur willed a much harsher punishment than I anticipated. Come, I will bring you to him. You should follow, Henry. The preparations for your departure should be completed by now. Come, come."

Daniel wondered if Rasim was anxious to be rid of them. He hoped that the ordeal with Charles had not spoiled their reception in Irem. Of course, he hoped Charles was all right, too.

Charles was standing in the foyer. At first he seemed to be completely fine, just staring at the mural above the staircase. Daniel ran to him, calling his name. Daniel's hope faded when he stood before the man.

"Oh. _Ohhh_."

Charles was not staring at the mural, he was not staring at anything. His golden brown eyes gazed nowhere, seeing but blind to the world. Daniel waved a hand before him but got no reaction. His face was slack, drool gathered at the corner of his mouth. Daniel shook him, squeezed his hand, but there was nothing. Charles's mind had fled to an unreachable place.

"What happened?" Daniel asked Rasim. "You said he would live, but this … this isn't living."

"I am sorry, little sorcerer," Rasim said. "It was Hastur's will. I do not know why. The gods are capricious, I told you this. Or it may be for a purpose we have yet to understand. I do not know. I prayed for him all night, I made offerings, I begged forgiveness for him. But whatever Hastur showed him, it cannot be unseen or forgotten. His mind was shut tight and then Hastur blasted it open. It was too much."

"I'm so sorry, Charles," Daniel said tearfully. "God, I'm so, so sorry. I hope you can hear me. I'm sorry."

Daniel hugged Charles and then fell to his knees. He hid his eyes behind a hand, hair falling to cover the rest of his face. Henry saw his shoulders shaking and knelt down beside him. He rubbed the man's back until he collected himself and stood again.

"I am sorry," Rasim repeated distantly. "I do not know why Hastur was so severe. I do not know why … "

"I do not blame you, Rasim," Daniel said. "You warned us all about the ways of this city. Charles didn't respect them and I was too busy spoiling myself to pay him any mind. The blame is solely ours. I should apologize to you for the trouble, and please, let Crispino know how sorry I am. I know he was quite upset last night."

"He's most likely forgotten it by now," Rasim said. "It all is what it is. Hastur's will. I am sure that eventually we will understand all these things more clearly. I only hope this unpleasantness does not drive you away from Irem forever. I believe that the two of you have great futures here."

"We will return," Daniel said. "I'm certain of it."

"So am I," Henry agreed. "Thank you, Rasim, for your generosity. You've been more than gracious."

"I'm glad," Rasim smiled. "Ah, I suppose this will be farewell for now. The conditions in your world are almost right for Irem to cross its threshold once more. We should hurry to the city's limits."

Daniel and Henry fetched their things from the guestroom. Rasim gifted them with a carpet bag each, clothing of their time period and in English fashion, and provisions in case they needed to walk a ways to civilization. Henry carried his own and Charles's bag. Daniel led the stunted man with them by the arm. They left the mansion and walked through the gardens. Daniel took one last glance at the two panthers, one black and one white, lurking among the roses.

Rasim was contemplatively quiet during the carriage ride. Daniel and Henry mournfully took in the sights of Irem one last time. Daniel regretted not asking more about the city.

"Where will we be?" he asked. "When we leave Irem, I mean? Will we be in the same spot where we came in?"

"No, no, of course not," Rasim laughed. "You shan't be abandoned in the middle of nowhere! Irem never appears in view of civilization but you should be near help. The city favors you, it will not leave you abandoned."

"How will we know where to go?" Daniel asked. "Charles was the only one of us that could navigate by the stars. I'm not very good at it."

"You will know," Rasim said simply. "The knowledge will be Irem's parting gift for you."

"All right."

"I know it may be hard to trust the city after—" Rasim gestured at Charles. "But you've done Irem no harm, it will not harm you."

"I believe you."

"Good. That is good."

The carriage exited the pillars marking the city's entrance. The zebra's hooves clopped down the road of pillars and stopped at the end. They exited reluctantly and stood at the edge of the city. The air shimmered around Irem as if from heat. Rasim shielded his eyes and looked up at the sun.

"Soon," he said. "Soon now. I bid you both goodbye. Never forget Irem, City of Pillars."

"I don't think that would be possible," Daniel said. "Thank you, Rasim. You've been more than a host, you've been a friend."

"Give Crispino my regards," Henry said. "Tell him that the next time we come, I should like to see a new beast in that menagerie."

Rasim laughed and agreed to tell him. The sky suddenly shifted, the sun changing position. Or had the city itself moved? The air lost its shimmer and the sounds of the city began to fade. Even as he turned to him, Rasim was losing his presence. For a wild moment, Daniel fancied they had dreamed up all of it. They would still be wandering the desert deliriously.

"Have faith," Rasim said. He reached into Daniel's pocket and placed the din he had given him in Daniel's palm. "Do not forget the truth of Irem."

The weight of the din reassured Daniel. He traced the inscription with a finger and clutched it tightly in his hand.

"I won't."

A hot wind whipped up the sand around them, forcing them to shield their eyes. Henry was gracious enough to hold a hand over Charles's staring blank eyes. When the wind died down and the sand settled, the City of Pillars was nowhere to be seen. Daniel opened his shaking hand and only breathed when he saw the din. He pocketed it and touched the idol of Arimanius on its chain around his neck. Irem had been no mirage.

True to Rasim's promise, Daniel instantly knew which direction to take in the desert. Their sense of time was still skewed but the sun was not too much lower when they spotted tents in the distance.


	12. Chapter 12

**12**

As it turned out, the tents belonged to a camp of British explorers. Daniel tried to reach Charles with the news but Charles remained catatonic. The explorers were shocked to see three strange white men so far out in the desert. They lauded their survival and welcomed them with water and biscuits. After the gastronomical wonders of Irem, Daniel had to feign his gratitude. He had spent a lifetime wanting nothing more than to be on one of these expeditions but now the little party seemed pathetic, ignorant, and, well, _mundane_.

"NO!"

The expedition's leader, one Professor Gedney, blurted the syllable out when told their names. He almost dropped his teacup on his lap and his hand shook as he set it down. He rubbed his face and his eyes, looking them all over closely.

"My God," he breathed. "My God, it _is _Charles Ledford. Who could forget the face of the dashing young explorer, eh? But I can't believe it. How did you all survive for so long? Where did you come from? How did you get out here?"

"Our ship crashed on the coast," Henry said carefully. He knew too many details would only cause the man to ask more questions. "We've been traveling. We were in a strange city but the people were very kind to us. They cared for us until we were recovered enough to travel again. Only, Charles went funny in the desert. Heatstroke left him like this, poor man."

"But where on the coast?" Gedney persisted. "Why have you been gone so long? You were all given up for dead!"

"Surely it hasn't been that long," Daniel interjected. "Why, we've barely been missing! We were only, er, shipwrecked a few days ago."

Gedney gave him a strange look. Daniel's heart skipped a beat.

"What? What is it?"

"He's gone a bit funny, too, hasn't he?" Gedney asked Henry. "No wonder, all that time in this strange land."

"Yes," Henry said slowly. "I'm afraid that we've lost track of time, what with traveling and our setbacks and fevers. Just how long have we been gone?"

"Since August of 1840, man!"

"Oh, I hope I haven't missed my birthday," Daniel remarked lightly. He bit his tongue when Gedney gave him another pitying, perturbed glance.

"And what day is today, if you'd be so kind?" Henry asked. "Er, foreigners, you know. The calendar is different out here."

"Good God, man," Professor Gedney chuckled. "How long do you _think _it's been? Today is August 14, 1842!"

Henry and Daniel were momentarily stricken as dumb as Charles. Henry quickly hid his alarm by taking a long sip of tea. Daniel gaped at the elder man.

"Eight … Eighteen … "

"Eighteen-forty-two," Professor Gedney said firmly. "I think you've missed that birthday by a long mark, young man."

"No. No, actually, today is my birthday." Daniel cracked a crazed smile. "It's my … my twenty-seventh birthday, actually. Ha … ha ha ha! My twenty-seventh birthday!"

Daniel's hysterical laughed almost made Henry choke on his tea. Gedney discreetly moved his chair away from the young man. Daniel's laughter cut off with a choked sound and he gripped his head in both hands. He rocked on his chair, moaning and hyperventilating. Henry came to his side immediately. He was about to take him in his arms when he remembered that they were not in Irem. He could not coddle Daniel like a lover in public anymore. Swallowing his frustration, he settled for patting Daniel's back.

"Eighteen-forty-two," Daniel muttered. "Eighteen-forty-two, eighteen … it's eighteen-forty-two. Forty-two, forty-two."

"I'm sorry, he's having one of his fits," Henry explained. "If you would be so kind, could you spare a tent for us? All we need is one, I need to be close at hand to care for my friend—er, friends."

Henry was acutely aware of how many lies were needed to live in the "realm of time", as Rasim called it. It was going to be difficult readjusting himself to living through a facade. Professor Gedney deemed him sane and agreed to help him. Before long, they were settled into a spare tent. Charles let himself be sat down on a sleeping bag. Daniel paced around, hugging himself.

"Do you need anything?" Gedney asked.

"Do you have any laudanum?"

When they were all left alone, Henry forced Daniel to drink a good dose of laudanum. He eased him down onto a sleeping bag and brushed his mussed hair down with his hand.

"Daniel." Henry took his face in both hands. "Daniel, look at me. Focus, Daniel!"

Daniel met his eyes and some sanity returned. He hugged his knees to his chest. Henry put an arm around him, praying no one disturbed them. He loathed being forced to limit their physical contact.

"How can it be, Henry?" Daniel asked. "How can it be eighteen-forty-two? We were only in Irem for two days!"

"You know time doesn't work right in Irem," Henry said. "I suppose it affects how we come into and out of time, as well. We would have to ask Rasim."

"I doubt he would know or care," Daniel said with a sad smile. "I suspect he's never even left Irem. He's given up time completely, it isn't even a thought for him. We should have asked him or Crispino. I just never thought this would be possible. How can it be possible?"

"I don't know, Daniel."

"Oh my God!" Daniel exclaimed. "Hazel! Oh God! Do you think she's all right? She was happy when I last saw her, wasn't she? She must be well, don't you think? Oh no, no, no, no. Hazel. I left her again, I abandoned her. I'm always leaving her."

"Don't panic, Daniel," Henry said sternly. "Listen to me. There is nothing we can do about it now. What is done is done. We must concentrate on getting home."

"But Hazel!"

"She will be waiting for you, I'm sure," Henry said gently. The lie of hope. "Shh, Daniel, hush. Stop shouting or you'll bring Professor Gedney back in here. We will soon be home, think of that instead, all right? We will be home again soon."

"Home. Yes, we'll be home," Daniel echoed. "Right. You really think Hazel will be fine?"

"I'm certain of it." _I hope to God or Hastur or any damn thing that I'm right. _"Rest now, Daniel. We have a long voyage ahead of us but we will be home soon."

Daniel lay down, exhausted from the unexpected mental shock. The laudanum lulled him into a deep sleep before long. Henry watched him slumber listlessly. He rubbed his own temples, feeling a headache encroaching. Since the only person he cared about had been by his side, Henry had little concern about losing two years in the mundane realm. He doubted Daniel would have cared either, if it were not for Hazel.

It was true that Hazel was a physically fragile girl. In fact, she was as delicate physically as Daniel was mentally: the pair had been born under different but similarly unlucky stars. The last time that they had seen her, she had been doing well. She had settled into married life with Xavier Mandus and her high spirits had seemed to defeat her low health. But Henry knew that married life was not always what it appeared. Had Xavier changed by now or was he still a gentleman? Was she wasting away pining for her lost brother? Had the shock of hearing that Daniel was lost at sea killed the poor girl?

"Whatever gods are listening, whatever might chance upon this prayer and care to answer it, please, let her be well," Henry muttered. "Please, please let her be well."

Henry hated to think of what Daniel would do if he lost Hazel. The two children had always cared for each other since no one else in their family or the world had cared for them. Henry had often seen them walking the streets together, to and from school, hand in hand. He was ashamed to admit that he had considered bullying Hazel to get to Daniel a few times, but her frailty and gender had stopped him. If he ever ran across the pair together, Daniel would always step in front of her like a chivalrous knight. Henry had never hit him in front of the girl, for which he was immensely grateful.

_I did kill her father, though. _Henry reflected on the risk he had taken. At the time, his longtime hatred of Daniel's father had been all he could concentrate on. Even Daniel had neglected to ever realize that the death might have upset Hazel into a fatal attack. Fortunately the girl had felt nothing for their abusive pater. In fact, his death and their mother's subsequent withdrawal from society had given Hazel the freedom to marry Xavier Mandus unhindered. A shred of Daniel's coldness was in the girl, despite her sex. Henry admired that and hoped her practicality had seen her through these past two years. They would never be friends but they both respected the role the other played in Daniel's life. _We both love Daniel with all our hearts. I hope she's kept faith in him. I hope her love for her brother hasn't allowed her to mourn him. A girl like that couldn't stand such mourning, I feel. Poor girl … No, poor woman. She is a married woman, no matter how young. By now she would be only nineteen. No, she _**_will _**_be nineteen. She _**_is _**_nineteen. Xavier will have taken care of her. He is rich and he seemed to love her well. She will be fine._

Henry scrubbed a hand over his face and stood. He was too restless to stay still. Daniel was fast asleep and Charles was vacant. Henry left them to walk around the expedition's camp. He watched as men toiled to uncover a past whose people were somewhere beyond time, living fantastic lives. Now Henry understood why Rasim was so averse to time itself. Time shrank the world, dividing reality. The people of Irem came from all times yet they were still _people_. They were not gods or barbarians. Humanity itself was timeless, colorless, without culture or gender as society defined those things. Given enough time, the mind began to see this truth, then accept it, and finally appreciate it. In only two days, Henry and Daniel had become immersed in the bazaar of humanity that was Irem. These archaeologists would never feel that freedom, they could only scratch the very surface of history. Henry pitied them.

_If Hazel is dead and Daniel breaks, I shall bring him back to Irem, _he decided. _If I have to gag and tie him, I will. He will be able to heal there. He told me just last night that he will always need me. I will always be there for him. I will pick up the pieces no matter how many times he shatters. In all but the law, he is my husband. I will protect him and when I cannot, I will fix him. I promised him that. I will keep my word._

_No matter the cost._


	13. Chapter 13

**13**

October 13, 1842

The journey back to England was excruciating. Charles had to be led to do even the most basic of things and Daniel was insensate from laudanum. It fell to Henry to guide Charles to eat, bathe, even use the privy when he needed to. If there were any gods bored enough to guide the fate of men, they certainly had a taste for irony.

Henry worried about Daniel's heavy reliance on laudanum now that they were outside timeless Irem. When he tried to limit Daniel's intake of the medicine, Daniel flew into wild rages or hysterical fits, however. He let the boy have as much as he needed, unable to care for Charles and keep Daniel's madness in check. Daniel caught fever during the final leg of the voyage home, vomiting constantly and hardly able to eat. The weight he had only put on that year (two years ago for the world, but only that same year for them) melted off. By the time they arrived in England, Daniel was as thin and harrowed as he had been upon returning from Brennenburg. It tore Henry's heart apart to see him so wrecked.

Daniel insisted upon going to the Mandus Estate the moment they set foot on English soil. He would not hear of stopping for food or rest. Someone, likely Professor Gedney, must have written on ahead because Charles Ledford's friends and relatives were waiting at the docks for him. Henry only had a moment to glimpse their bittersweet tears before Daniel tugged his arm impatiently. They flagged down a hansom and were off.

Daniel's hands were shaking. He kept shouting out the window for the driver to go faster. He shook Henry off every time he tried to touch him. Henry could not even muster any anger, he was too depressed. If there was any feeling he hated, it was helplessness. He had tried to get Daniel to write ahead to Mandus but Daniel had not. Henry suspected he had not dared read the truth from a lifeless piece of paper.

Daniel was bouncing with manic energy as the carriage clattered up to the Mandus mansion. He jumped out before it had even stopped and ran to the doors. Henry told the driver to leave their luggage on the steps. Daniel was shouting and pounding on the doors incessantly. It was a rainy autumn day, the air smelling of rot, damp, and death. Henry trudged up the mansion's steps, his heart thumping heavily in his chest.

Daniel pushed aside the servant that opened the door and burst into the mansion. Henry followed, apologizing and helping the poor woman to her feet. Daniel ran through the foyer and into one hallway, then the next, screaming for Mandus. Henry knew Daniel was too frightened to call for his sister directly.

"MANDUUUSS! Where are you?!" he cried. "MANDUS!"

Xavier Mandus came running from one of the hallways and met them in the dining room. Daniel turned on him with such burning intensity that Xavier took a step back from him. A deathly silence fell on the room as Daniel stood, fists clenched, torn between the need to know and the fear of knowledge. Whatever Xavier said would define him. With a word, Xavier could break the young man's mind once and for all. Henry's mouth was dry and he could not move.

"Daniel?" Xavier breathed. "I had word from the Ledfords but I can scarcely believe it. You're alive? My God, you are alive!"

"Ha—Hazel," was all Daniel could manage.

"Why, let me go fetch her!" Xavier beamed. "I cannot believe it! She actually knew it! She never wavered, not a single moment. She knew you were alive, no matter what anyone said. She wouldn't hear of a funeral, not even after they held one for poor Charles. Oh, she will be so pleased!"

The unsuspecting Xavier Mandus hurried from the dining room. They were left with only the patter of the rain and the ticking of a grandfather clock for company. Then Daniel gave a choked cry between a gasp and an exhalation. He put his hand over his mouth, shaking violently. Henry exhaled slowly, trying to ease the tension from his body. Impatient, Daniel ran from the dining room, Henry at his heels.

They met Hazel just as she was being helped down the stairs by Xavier. Daniel threw his arms around her the moment she reached the bottom, embracing her so tightly Henry feared she would break. But the girl only laughed and hugged him back. Tears spilled from the siblings as they kissed each other on the cheek, held onto the warm reality of their shared survival. Henry had to dab moisture from the corners of his own eyes. For the first time since Irem, the mundane world felt normal again.

"I never lost faith in you, dear brother," Hazel told him. "I prayed every day. I prayed and I prayed, but I never lost faith. Just like last time, Daniel. You came back to me, just like last time. My darling, darling brother!"

"I was worried sick!" Daniel cried. "I'll never leave you again, Hazel! I promise you that! I will never leave your side again! I'm so sorry! God, I'm so, so sorry!"

"Oh my dear, you look unwell," Hazel fretted. "Come to the parlor. Xavier, have us brought some tea, please."

"I think brandy may be in order, as well," Xavier said. "Do go on and help yourselves. I can't imagine what you've been through."

Daniel released Hazel. As he stepped back and finally got a look at her, his expression wavered. She was wearing a dress that was not cinched at the waist yet the formerly petite woman filled it out. At first Daniel thought she had put on weight and he was pleased she was so much healthier. But as she turned to lead them to the parlor, a hand protectively flew to her belly. Daniel's smile trembled and he swallowed the knot in his throat.

Henry stifled a groan. He took Hazel's arm politely to get a better look at her. The pearly luster of her skin, her shining hair, the soft look in her eyes, and the large bulge of her midsection left no doubt: she was with child.

"It would appear that you greet us with even happier news, madame," Henry said. He hoped to make light of the situation before Daniel imploded with emotion. "Should I congratulate you and Mr. Mandus?"

"Oh, yes," Hazel beamed. She turned to her brother. "Daniel, you're to be an uncle! I knew you would return to see the child born! God has answered all my prayers this day!"

Daniel was drying his face with his handkerchief. He hid his mouth with it for a moment, only his eyes were visible above it, staring roundly at his sister. Whatever he was feeling, he had plastered on a smile by the time he lowered the handkerchief.

"I am happy for you, dear sister," he said softly. "I must—Er, excuse me. I think I'll ask Xavier to have us brought some … something to eat. I'm famished."

Daniel rushed from them. Henry walked Hazel to the parlor. The woman sat herself down with a delicate sigh, resting her hand atop her belly.

"You should go after him," she told Henry. "I can see that you want to."

"Thank you. Excuse me, madame."

Henry went after his lover at a swift pace. He found Daniel confronting Mandus in the foyer. He arrived just in time to watch Daniel slam the taller man against the wall. Xavier was stunned and baffled. He struggled but could not break Daniel's hold on him.

"How _dare _you!" Daniel hissed. Despite his rage, he kept his voice low to keep Hazel from hearing. "You know! You know how fragile my sister's health is! We spoke about this! You promised that you would never risk her health! And now you've sentenced her to childbirth?"

"D-Daniel, I—It isn't your business, I never said I wouldn't—Ah!"

Xavier gasped as Daniel pulled a knife from his jacket and held it to his neck. Henry aborted his attempt to drag Daniel off Mandus. Where the hell had he gotten that dagger from? Had he been planning to kill Mandus if Hazel were dead? Had that been his plan all along? Henry scowled in anger. Daniel had only pretended to be empty-headed. Even with all the laudanum, he was shrewd enough to prepare for this.

"I could kill you," Daniel said, matter-of-fact. "Do you know that? I've killed so many men. _So _many. I should kill you, Mandus. I should cut your throat right here."

"Daniel!" Henry snapped. "Don't be a fool. Think of your sister. Like it or not, this is the father of her child."

"The child that could kill her!" Daniel pressed the knife harder and smelled blood. "Mandus, you bastard. I trusted you! I trusted you with her health! How could you?"

"Daniel, on my life, I swear that I … I did not mean for this to happen," Xavier whispered. "God forgive me, but if you must know, I _tried _to avoid this. It was only one night that I, that we—It was an accident, I was drunk—Don't make me speak so vulgarly of my wife, damn you."

Daniel did not relinquish the knife. A thin red line trickled blood from Xavier's neck. He looked at Henry for help but Henry did not dare intervene. He knew Daniel too well to doubt he would cut the man's throat at the slightest provocation.

"I've been gentle with her," Xavier whispered. "You must believe that. If you must know, damn it, I never finished within her. I did all that I could to prevent it, no matter how much she pleaded with me to give her a child. But I was drunk one night. She knew what she was doing, I swear to you, she must have. She said it was all right. She let me … It was only that one night, I swear. She wanted this. She pined miserably for a child. Even when you disappeared, she kept saying that you would return to be its uncle. She never let go of that dream. And now you repay her good faith with this?! Get off me, man!"

Xavier thrust Daniel off, getting a deeper gash in his neck for the effort. Henry took the opportunity to snatch the knife from Daniel's hand. Daniel shot him a look of betrayal which was promptly slapped off by Xavier. Xavier straightened his jacket and shirt. He took a handkerchief from his pocket and held it to his bleeding neck.

"Get ahold of yourself, Daniel," Xavier said harshly. "I will not stand for this in my own home, not with my wife in such a delicate state. I am sorry for you and sorry for what you've suffered. But you are not the only one frightened to death for Hazel. **_I _**have been the one by her side these two years. **_I _**have been the man to comfort her when she cried for you, to pray with her for your safety. **_I _**have been the one to see her through carrying this child. I never wanted anything more than her. I should die if harm comes to her from bearing it. I blame myself, yes, believe me, no one blames me more than I blame myself. But I have swallowed all my fears and all my doubts to make her happy, and if you cannot do the same then you can leave my house at once!"

Henry raised his eyebrows. He would not have expected the bookish poet Xavier to be capable of administering such a tongue-lashing. Daniel was still angry, holding his cheek sullenly, but he was at least mildly chastened.

"I will not leave my sister," Daniel sulked. "I've only just gotten her back. I won't go."

"Then you will conduct yourself properly," Xavier said. "You are her brother but I am her husband. It is my sworn duty to protect her and I **_will_** protect her, even from you if necessary. If you need me to be sorry, well there is no one sorrier than I. But Hazel is happy so we will all of us be happy with her, be happy for her. Is that clear?"

Henry nodded. Daniel continued glaring at Mandus. Henry eschewed all decency and gave his bottom a hefty slap. Defeated, Daniel threw up his hands.

"_Fine_!" Daniel exclaimed. "Fine. I shan't kill you, not while Hazel still lives. I won't upset her. You should know that I would never say anything to hurt her."

"To be blunt, I do not think you are capable of restraining yourself currently," Xavier said. "But you must, if you wish to spend time with her. I warn you, be nothing but happy for her. I refuse to see her shed any more tears over you."

"I won't make her cry," Daniel said. "I would never make her cry."

"Oh but you have," Xavier said. "You certainly have, these past two years. But enough. What is done, is done. I will speak no more of past things. I must go clean up now thanks to you. Mr. Bedloe, I leave Daniel in your charge."

"Now you're treating me as a child too?" scoffed Daniel. "Damn you, Mandus."

"I'll keep him in hand," Henry promised.

"See that you do."

Xavier stormed off. Daniel crossed his arms, fuming.

"Why would you take his side?" he asked. "You must understand why I'm so worried! Why would you betray me like that?"

"I stopped you from making your precious sister a widow," Henry said calmly. "Do you really think she would survive that? Being a pregnant widow?"

Daniel shook his head. Henry kissed him and held him in his arms. Daniel withered without his fury, burying his face in Henry's shirt. When he pulled away, his expression was abashed.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I was about to ruin everything again, wasn't I?"

"You were."

"Thank you for stopping me," Daniel said. "This is not how I wanted to return. Perhaps I _should _leave here now. I'm poison, I … I spoil everything I touch."

"You are feverish and still half-mad from losing two years in two days," Henry told him. "But you are in control of yourself now, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Then let us rejoin your sister."

Daniel nodded. They returned to the parlor. Daniel was flushed from exertion so Hazel did not notice the faint red spot on his cheek. He excused his color as a symptom of fever, and his sister had the servants ply him with tea when it came. Hearing his sister speak so joyously soothed him. Even when Xavier joined them, his neck hidden by a fresh ascot, Daniel's temper did not return.

Still, Henry recognized Daniel's expression. It was the same look of resignation when he was accepting a particularly painful spanking. Every time he noticed Hazel's belly his eyes lit with fear and sorrow.

_Poor Daniel, _Henry thought sincerely. _How change frightens him, how he clings to the familiar. He belongs in timeless Irem. I should like to take all of us back to that eternal city, protect all our love forever. But this is the life we were born to. I cannot see Hazel nor Mandus living in that city, they are pure, plain-hearted people. They are happy with their lives in this realm of time. I suppose paying the debt of time is worth it to them. For now, we must also pay that toll, Daniel and I._

* * *

They were offered a guestroom for the night but declined. They took a carriage to Henry's apartments. Daniel had been humbled by Hazel's gushing over motherhood. He sat contritely, hands folded on one knee. The rain had done him no good, he was sniffling and sneezing throughout the ride. Henry kept an arm around him, murmuring nothing words of comfort and kissing his head.

Given their long absence, Henry was worried that his apartments had been claimed or sold off. He was relieved when they were shown in by his old butler. The aged man explained that Winslow Paternoster had ensured the apartments remained intact. Henry hated Paternoster but for this he was thankful. Daniel was ready to collapse.

Henry helped Daniel undress and get into bed. He sat by his side while Daniel drank a bowl of soup and plenty of water. The feverish warmth had given way to chills. After emptying his bladder, Daniel returned to bed. He curled up in a fetal position, his eyes haunted. Henry undressed and joined him.

"She is happy," Henry reassured Daniel. "Your sister has lived two years being loved and cared for by her husband. Now she will fulfill her dream of motherhood. I know the time you lost by her side pains you, but she has been happy. She had faith that you would return and she had the hope of being a mother. She had Mandus, who I have no doubt loves her very much."

"I know," Daniel said. "I know all that and it is a comfort. But I should have been here for those two years. We don't know how much time she has left, not with this pregnancy. That time was stolen from me and I will never get it back!"

"Stolen?" Henry asked. "You chose to go on the journey, Daniel."

"Yes, but I didn't know it would cost me _two years_!" Daniel rolled over. "No one told me the ship would be destroyed, that Charles would return mindless, that I would lose two entire years of my sister's life!"

Daniel sat up, agitated. He coughed and Henry patted his back.

"I don't blame Irem or Rasim, none of them," Daniel said. "They've forgotten this realm, forgotten time itself. It was up to me to ask them about it but it never crossed my mind, either. There is only one person who must have known of that possibility and what it would mean for us."

"Paternoster."

"Yes, Winslow Octavio Paternoster—Octavius Lurius of Ancient Rome," Daniel said darkly. "You heard Crispino, he lived there. He has gone in and out of Irem, he has to know that time doesn't always wait for people to come back. He knew, I'm sure of it. He knew and he told me nothing. He used me. He _fucking _used me!"

Daniel pounded a fist on the mattress. He coughed again. Henry tried to get him to lie back down but Daniel was too excited.

"You were right all along," Daniel said hoarsely. "You should have stripped the skin off my back and locked me up in here instead of letting me join the Sol Invictus Mithras."

"I happen to like the skin _on _your back."

"I'm not blaming you, it's my fault for being so damned stubborn," Daniel said. "I should have listened to you. You warned me that Paternoster would only use me the same way Alexander did. You told me not to join the group. I should have listened."

"What will you do now?" Henry asked. "Leave the group?"

"I … I don't know." Daniel rubbed his forehead. "I don't know! How horrible is that? But if I do leave, everything I've lost, everything I've sacrificed, all of it will have been for nothing! I can't accept that. I won't."

"Then?"

"I'll carry on for now," Daniel said. "I'll give Paternoster what he bartered for. I will be his apprentice. I'll learn all that I can from him and that damned group. But I won't forget what he did to me. I will never trust him again, and I will never forgive him."

"Just be careful, Daniel," Henry warned. "Be careful and please, for God's sake, don't keep any more secrets from me. You said that you wanted me to guide you, so _let me _guide you. Please."

"Yes. Yes, I will," Daniel said. "I promise."

Henry kissed him. Daniel broke it off with a cough that turned into a fit. Henry forcefully lay him down and did not allow him to speak again. He wrapped Daniel in blankets and held him until he fell asleep. Too distracted to sleep, Henry went to his desk and lit a candle. He took out his journal and opened it to the last entry. To see the year 1840 scrawled at the top gave him pause. He first dated his new entry 1840, then scratched it out and replaced it with 1842.

_Time is not precious, _Henry wrote. _Time is nothing more than a slave driver herding us all towards death. I never thought that I would feel so constricted by time until I was freed from it. Now the yolk of the past and the burden of the future are crushing us both. I've been so unlike myself since Irem … If Daniel still had that Orb, I would think he was controlling me. But it isn't him, it's me. I found myself in Irem. But now that I know who I am … I don't know what to do with myself._

_Worse of all, I no longer know how to handle Daniel. His mind is a fractured mess that will never be pieced back together, I see that now. I could smooth the rough spots, glaze over the cracks, with time I could love him back to peace. But this world continues to rupture his psyche. I know that he is not blameless. Perhaps he deserves all he gets. I do not care. I love him and I want him to be happy. I want him to at least be sane! I spent my life studying how to heal the mind but I am at a loss to heal Daniel. I do not even know where or how to begin. I wasted so much time trying to tame my bestial urges, trying to reshape myself in the image of all these gentlemen around me. Why? To have their power? Their respect? So much effort spent for such worthless ambitions. But what else did I have? That was all before I found true love._

_Psychiatry has failed me. It is too soon for Daniel to return to Irem, I suspect. I must put aside my regrets. I must forget my disappointments. The future may be difficult but I must face it. We must face it, Daniel and I, together. I will shelter him from whatever storms may come. I only hope that he lets me. Time will tell. Accursed time alone will tell._

Henry set his pen down and went to his luggage. The caftan he had kept from Irem still smelled of sand and incense. Wrapped in its sleeve was an old Roman coin, a token of Crispino's friendship. He had given it to him at the Heretic's Arena while they discussed beasts from beyond time and space. Henry returned to his journal and placed the coin beside it. He took up his pen again and ended the entry with the coin's inscription:

_Tempus Edax Rerum_

Time, Devourer of All Things

**The End**


End file.
